It is a measure of my own confusion about these things that I am writing this without a thought on how this note will end. All I know is that I should write about it somehow, and I am hoping that maybe, word will spread around and that this will eventually reach you. Maybe I can use my recent "popularity" for that. Maybe that will help. Don't worry though. I will try to write this as vaguely as I can so that only you can fully understand what I'm talking about. I'm betting you won't even know for certain that it is you I am talking to.
Rarely have I felt something as strongly as what I have been feeling lately. It has been several months now since this idea, or rather, feeling, first descended upon me. It never really went away, no matter what I may have claimed earlier. Always have I had this awareness of your presence. I have tried fighting it but it always comes back. And many times you were the reason why I smile lately. Why I giggle even. Although I must say you've also given me ample cause for frustration. They are short lived though and they disappear the next time I get to see you.
This afternoon I woke up still groggy because of last night's alcohol. My thoughts were slow, and several times I tried to go back to sleep not really to get more rest (because I felt I had enough of that already) but because I had been dreaming of you. All morning.
That confused me even more. I wasn't really thinking of you before I eventually drifted to sleep. I had several dreams I remember, and you were on all of them.
Oh, my dreams of you aren't the sexual sort. My attraction to you is not of that kind. They were sweet dreams, all of them. They were dreams of holding your hand, of you leaning your head on my shoulder. They were dreams of meaningful looks and sly smiles. They were dreams of me making you happy and content. They were innocent dreams, all of them, and even I am surprised that with my varied experience, I still get to have dreams of that sort.
I do not know how you are reacting to all of this ruckus I am making about you. I am afraid to learn actually, since I have a feeling they will only bring me down. I may be blind in most things concerning you, but I am not that stupid to believe that there really is a chance of my dreams coming true. Those of my friends who know about this have advised me to drop it because of how things have been progressing. I only wish I can follow them to spare myself some pain but I suppose you are worth that risk.
I wonder if you see the little things that give me away. I wonder if you notice how I avoid looking at you, or that I seldom talk to you directly. I wonder if you notice my awkwardness, or my tension whenever you're around. I wonder if you notice how I deliberately turn my back on you sometimes, or give you less attention, lest you get it in your head that I've become a witless looby for you. I know I've put you into this sticky situation so it is my responsibility not to rile you up too much. I like you very much and it will be very inconvenient for both of us (to say the least) to have a falling out so I'm being extra careful to the point that it looks like I am doing nothing.
I do remember it all, you know. Every little contact that we have. And I will never forget that one *sweet* moment. I don't even know if you can remember it since I am quite certain that it was accidental on your part (but you have to admit I did nothing to make it happen either) but I know that no matter how this turns out, that will always be one moment I will always be fond of reliving. Even if it only lasted for a couple of seconds.
They say that I should keep some of these things to myself - that I should project an "air of mystery". Well, I am doing that. Because all these revelations? They're nothing but faint glimmers of what goes in within me. They're nothing but poor sketches of the extent of my affection for you and in a way, I can afford to let you know about these dribbles because I have got a vast store of them in my heart. These are nothing compared to the real thing.
There is no need for me to hide anymore. There are no deadlines, and I do not want to be an annoyance. I have presented my case and that is that. It is a passionate thing yet at the same time, it is quiet in its course. If this is true, it will endure.
I don't need you to make me happy. But it does make me happy whenever I make you feel happy, even in the small and rather indirect ways that I can. Your smile, your laughter - these are enough for me. I don't know why but that is how it is.
Rarely have I felt something as strongly as what I have been feeling lately. It has been several months now since this idea, or rather, feeling, first descended upon me. It never really went away, no matter what I may have claimed earlier. Always have I had this awareness of your presence. I have tried fighting it but it always comes back. And many times you were the reason why I smile lately. Why I giggle even. Although I must say you've also given me ample cause for frustration. They are short lived though and they disappear the next time I get to see you.
This afternoon I woke up still groggy because of last night's alcohol. My thoughts were slow, and several times I tried to go back to sleep not really to get more rest (because I felt I had enough of that already) but because I had been dreaming of you. All morning.
That confused me even more. I wasn't really thinking of you before I eventually drifted to sleep. I had several dreams I remember, and you were on all of them.
Oh, my dreams of you aren't the sexual sort. My attraction to you is not of that kind. They were sweet dreams, all of them. They were dreams of holding your hand, of you leaning your head on my shoulder. They were dreams of meaningful looks and sly smiles. They were dreams of me making you happy and content. They were innocent dreams, all of them, and even I am surprised that with my varied experience, I still get to have dreams of that sort.
I do not know how you are reacting to all of this ruckus I am making about you. I am afraid to learn actually, since I have a feeling they will only bring me down. I may be blind in most things concerning you, but I am not that stupid to believe that there really is a chance of my dreams coming true. Those of my friends who know about this have advised me to drop it because of how things have been progressing. I only wish I can follow them to spare myself some pain but I suppose you are worth that risk.
I wonder if you see the little things that give me away. I wonder if you notice how I avoid looking at you, or that I seldom talk to you directly. I wonder if you notice my awkwardness, or my tension whenever you're around. I wonder if you notice how I deliberately turn my back on you sometimes, or give you less attention, lest you get it in your head that I've become a witless looby for you. I know I've put you into this sticky situation so it is my responsibility not to rile you up too much. I like you very much and it will be very inconvenient for both of us (to say the least) to have a falling out so I'm being extra careful to the point that it looks like I am doing nothing.
I do remember it all, you know. Every little contact that we have. And I will never forget that one *sweet* moment. I don't even know if you can remember it since I am quite certain that it was accidental on your part (but you have to admit I did nothing to make it happen either) but I know that no matter how this turns out, that will always be one moment I will always be fond of reliving. Even if it only lasted for a couple of seconds.
They say that I should keep some of these things to myself - that I should project an "air of mystery". Well, I am doing that. Because all these revelations? They're nothing but faint glimmers of what goes in within me. They're nothing but poor sketches of the extent of my affection for you and in a way, I can afford to let you know about these dribbles because I have got a vast store of them in my heart. These are nothing compared to the real thing.
There is no need for me to hide anymore. There are no deadlines, and I do not want to be an annoyance. I have presented my case and that is that. It is a passionate thing yet at the same time, it is quiet in its course. If this is true, it will endure.
I don't need you to make me happy. But it does make me happy whenever I make you feel happy, even in the small and rather indirect ways that I can. Your smile, your laughter - these are enough for me. I don't know why but that is how it is.
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