Everytime I release these so-called "albums" of mine, I share a part of myself to whoever gets to listen to them. I get to make my audience catch a glimpse of what goes on within me and I keep on hoping... *hoping*... that maybe one day someone will come to me and pat me at the back and say "Hey, I feel you man. I get you!"
I go to all lengths planning my albums - spending most of my free time thinking of how to make my listeners see the picture I am trying to paint with music. And yet, most of my listeners will not be able to fully comprehend what I really wanted to say. They'll listen to it and maybe they'll like it but the results will always be far from my expectations. I suppose they think it's a ridiculous waste of effort on my part.
What they don't understand is that for me, sharing is a need. I've thought about why that was so countless times and I've come to the conclusion that I am living in my own world and that I am desperately lonely and that I desperately need company. It's like I have this grand house where no one comes to visit. I feel like all of those are being wasted - all that beauty, all that creativity bottled up within - when no one experiences them with me. It's the same philosophy that governs why every now and then I need to write here and express myself where people can see.
What puzzles me though is why no one I know does the same things I do. Why do they, you, not feel that need? And that led me to another conclusion that perhaps I am just too different from the rest.
Just now, it struck me that for most of my life, I have been trying to fit in with the others. It was the major reason why I changed my lifestyle - from the school geek to the party animal. I just want to blend in and fade with the rest but I still feel that I keep standing out because I am just too uncomfortably weird.
What makes it worse is that I keep on expecting that there will be someone who will come along who will finally finally be in sync with me. That has always been a major source of my depression. I have really good friends, true, but somehow they cannot completely see through my soul. I want someone... I need someone who will be completely mine.
And so I'm left with making albums, with blogging, as my means of trying to emit my wavelength in the hopes that maybe I will reach someone who is of a similar wavelength and we'll resonate.
Oh, I cannot wait to find you, whoever you are! I have so many things to share! Together, we'll do things no other couple has! Together we'll explore the depths of the mind, the height of the heavens. Together, we'll make art and maybe science too. Together, we'll write a book! Together, we'll reach the limits of what we can achieve and break them.
Oh, I cannot wait to meet you, whoever you are! I will hold your hand and I will show you my house and of course, you'll take me to yours and then we'll build our own house!
You have no idea what we can achieve together. If I can achieve this much just by myself, what more when I finally found you?
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