Old, Not Older

November 22, 2009

Some blogs are meant to be read, while some others are meant to serve as mere personal records of what happened, like a diary your friends can read.

***

I suppose I need to write something here now since I am back to being single.

Again, I have that almost physical sensation of not being able to walk properly. As if I was actually crippled. Like walking with one leg. I have seen this coming, that's true. I've been in this state before. And knowing that didn't make a difference to this feeling of lameness.

On looking back, I haven't been really single for long since I graduated college. Not being in a relationship is a bit of a new experience for my adult life. I don't really know how to get by without someone in my heart, especially since I am deciding to stop looking for a relationship for a while. And with that I mean at least until the sem ends, depending on how I deal with the loneliness. Maybe even years.

This breakup was the gentlest I've had and that is saying something because as one of my ex-flames put it, I'm not really a stranger when it comes to breakups.

It was gentle, yet it was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made in my love life. Fitting that it all happened while I was in the bus. I really did feel that I was in transit. And I have to be thankful to the other passengers because if they weren't there, I might have cried.

I am strong enough to admit that I am feeling the first pangs of regret. I am honest enough to admit that that got-til-it's-gone saying always holds true, even if you decide to enumerate your justified reasons down on paper. It's a force beyond what you can anticipate. You can't avoid it.

***

Imagine you are walking lost along the streets and you found this really cute kitty who approached you and began to follow you. Kitty kept you company, and you instantly fell in love with it. Then you entered a dark alley, and you began to be annoyed at it because it kept tripping you. It wanted you to walk a bit to the right when you want to be on the left side. When you felt you were closer to home, you kicked Kitty and threw stones at it because you know you cannot take care of it. You were too irresponsible and too wild but Kitty deserves care. You hit Kitty squarely in the chest and it walks away. You keep walking, knowing that what you did was the right thing. But your conscience says otherwise.


***

I felt so loved over the past couple of days. Last Friday - old students coming to visit and giving me presents, new students giving me birthday cards, everyone in the Institute heartily greeting me, and colleagues getting drunk with me on my birthday party. Saturday, I went to Technohub and saw that complete rainbow in the sky before I went to Eastwood to party at the Manor Penthouse without paying to get in. Staying in the VIP section, I danced like mad, and stayed sober enough not to make too much of a fool of myself.

Now, Sunday. And freedom. And starting all over again...

I am beginning to understand why people need to get married. And also why old people feel so old.