Reflections in Distractions

November 8, 2009

I was innocently reading Sophie Kinsella's "Can You Keep A Secret?" when suddenly, I felt that I just had to put it down for a bit. It was silly as silly can be, but the love plot just kept hitting too close to home. It was one of the most unhelpful things I've received at this time. So I got out of bed, went out of the dorm despite looking disheveled and decided to take a walk. It was already 5 in the morning when I reached Mini Stop. I hung around for a while and I felt satisfaction as I smoked and sipped at my Chuckie. It was the sort of spontaneous and unexpected thing I'd do. I'd be sleepy later enlisting students at work, I know, but I don't need to be right all the time. I watched my surroundings begin to stir a the sun slowly crept upward. I smiled and felt content - doing the things I love to do whenever I want to.

***

I couldn't help but hug the new Wheel of Time book as I finally discovered one in Bestsellers. I've been to three bookstores and it was always out of stock. It cost Php1300 but I've been waiting for it for four years! Surely, spending for it is justified. I felt supremely happy, still clutching the book protectively, as I walked toward the cashier. I felt free to spend my own money. I deserve this. I felt happy that no one can control me, and I heartily thanked the cashier even as she thanked me. I walked out of the bookstore, proudly swinging the bag containing my new book.

***

My ex and I used to like Trinoma for the ambiance. And by ambiance we not only mean the structures or the shops but also the people, especially the guys. That afternoon was an especially fruitful one, since while I was walking I found that almost every other third guy strolling around the mall passed my taste. Of course, I was automatically skipping those who are not of my age group (I still consider teenagers part of it). Those who I found attractive, I unconsciously give a discreet second look. And it was exciting whenever I catch them looking at me too. That moment when your eyes lock for a second before he walks out of your field of vision. When I'm on my own, I never think to look back at those yummy strangers and get a third look. I'm not ashamed of them catching me. The idea just doesn't occur to me because I know I'll never make the first move. My tastes are often too high that I know I'll never be able to give a fair bargain.

***

I sat down on one of those free-for-all benches in Trinoma. It will still be at least an hour before Bart can escape from her Phychem workshop and I thought it best to occupy myself with some good ol' reading. I was into the third page of a new chapter when somebody sat in front of me. It was a guy of course, otherwise I wouldn't have noticed at all. I ignored him (some habits from my "straight" days are hard to break) and went on with my book until I accidentally caught a glimpse of his face while attempting to rest my eyes. I looked again. And again. And again, because he looked like someone I know. He was... Well, wow! And my eyes just drank him in. Then, realizing that I might have looked at him too avidly like a starstruck fool, I broke off my gaze and focused on the book. It would have been okay because he didn't catch me even if he was looking in my general direction, but then, I felt my face growing hot. Blushes. Ever my traitors.

I think it took me ten minutes or more to completely restore myself to normal coloring. Thinking that I was blushing made me blush even more. Stupid reflexes. More minutes passed yet there he was, still sitting quietly and looking in my direction. I dared not look at him again. Somehow, it got into my head that maybe I was gaining his interest. Was he interested in my book? My... my shirt? Or maybe... me?

Just when I was summoning my courage to steal another look (just to check), a beautiful girl sat next to him, bringing him food. They were obviously an item and I hurriedly lowered my head more into the book to dispel suspicion (or amusement) if there was any. The girl just glanced at me and dismissed me. I shook my head inwardly for allowing myself to... To what exactly?

I was still reading my book yet a part of my mind noted this evidence in front of me - that a beautiful straight guy will almost always have a beautiful girlfriend. Screw those who believe in the purity of love! We all have sex in our heads and the sad truth is, for almost all people, looks precede character. I frowned at this because I know this to be unfair yet that is how the world works. I've learned that too many times to deny it.

***

I sat back at Technohub's Coffee Bean, masturbating my senses. I was reading my new book, listening to music, and alternately smoking and drinking my Malibu Dream all at the same time. Every now and then, I just had to look up to take in the view. Such a night! Such a high concentration of good looking men in a small area. Even so, I found my book more interesting than the view. I'm not always in that mood you know. Then, an old lady, a girl, and this guy in green walked in front of me and my jaw dropped.

It was him!

Him! Hunter of four years past!

It was a silly reaction but the awareness that it was unfounded didn't stop my heart from feeling like something is twisting inside it. I suppose some of you would know exactly how that feels by now. I couldn't take my eyes off him and I didn't care whether he catches me visually devouring every single line of his body. Eventually, he did glance my way and I automatically jerked my head down to my book (despite my initial resolve). I turned my head up again and watched him until he was out of my sight. I promptly forgot about him minutes later and that proved (in my opinion) that I've let him go. I reacted that way simply because he was just too breathtakingly beautiful to be allowed. I wondered how it would feel to do whatever I like to a body like that.

To my right, the hot Coffee Bean barista was clearing tables. After being absent for months, he reappears without warning. The last time I saw him was last June. Such... timing!

Some men just make me lose my head. When I went in to order that night, he was the one behind the cash register. He greeted me by name (I spend too much time there) and gave me a smile. I said hello without looking him in the eye and I was composed enough not to blush too much. I placed my bag on the counter in front of him to fish out my discount card (and to gain more time to gather my wits) when I noticed that there was a "Next Counter Please" sign on the register. Another barista was waiting for me on the other working cash register. Fool me, tricked by a handsome face. I must have looked silly.

As usual, he served my drink himself even if there were four of them behind the counter. I don't appreciate his hairstyle, his smiles, or his knowing looks, or his hands... Especially his perfect perfect hands as he was readying to give me my drink. They shook a bit as he handed me the straw, I remember that vividly.

Minutes later, I already forgot about him. I was content sitting outside with my music, my book, my drink, my smoke, and the occasional good looking guy. It was strange, but those things represent the things which matter most to me at this point in my life. But stranger still is the realization that I was content being alone.

For now at least.

***