Earlier, I was in Technohub, just having a smoke and sipping hot chocolate. I wanted a hot drink because I felt cold inside. It must have been caused by something I ate, but I interpreted the sensation as an emotional one. And why shoudn't I? It was Friday night. And I was alone.
Funny that lately I've been bragging about how I overcame my overwhelming need for love and yet at this moment, I am still feeling lonely. Knowing that you can live without a partner is one thing. I am proud of myself for that, but it doesn't mean that I will not be happier with someone in my life.
So as I was sitting there at Starbucks, I was observing the people around me just to keep myself from accumulating too many dismal thoughts. There's this group of 20ish friends laughing over their frapps. There's an older group of people at Mikedee's clinking their bottles of beer. There's this workaholic lady sipping coffee while perusing sheaves of paper. A family spending the night together, taking pictures in front of the colored globes which dot the open area. There are the children from rich families gliding on their ripsticks. A sophisticated woman, walking her dog. And there's this gay couple having a late dinner at Flapjacks.
I felt a pang of nostalgia as I was observing the gay couple. I used to be that guy, I thought. For years, I've always had someone in my life and it's only now that I realize that I never really fully appreciated that fact. And as my eyes scanned the different establishments there at Technohub, with every store stirring up an almost forgotten memory, I began to think it was a bad idea to go there for comfort when I'm feeling lonely.
In this Persian restaurant, I had dinner with Jarth. It was the night I was to introduce him to my parents at Las Pinas. We didn't have much money between us, so we were emptying our pockets trying to see if we can afford to eat there. Near the water fountains, there's this bench where he first held my hand. There's the videoke booth in Timezone where I was surprised to hear that he had a really awesome singing voice which made me giddy. And there's Ministop where I used to buy him the chocolate sundaes which he loved so much.
The last I saw Dan was in this posh restaurant. It was there that I tried to dredge up the old feelings I had for him, only to find out that there was no love left for him in me. He treated me to this Japanese restaurant, and it was one of the tastiest meals I've ever had. He used to help me check papers in this other restaurant, with him encoding grades in Excel while I was sorting out my students' data sheets. And there's the Drummania game in Timezone where I showed off my skills, only that it didn't quite impress him even though he "died" when it was his turn.
And here, in Coffee Bean, was where I used to sip chai tea latte with Darwin. I used to pull ot my Walkman fone, hand him one earpiece, and we'll be listening to my favorite songs. Then I'll smoke, and he'll be reading the complemetary newspaper. And when we got tired of listening to music, we'll chat about issues both heavy and light. From ANTM to religion. Lady Gaga to politics. I'd call him "baby", and I didn't care whether the other patrons overheard me. We'll just talk, keep ourselves amused and then we spend the rest of the night together.
It was all too much for me so I went home, not finishing my hot chocolate drink. And as I was walking beside Commonwealth Ave, I asked myself if I am ready to date again. Can I add more Technohub memories to what I already have?
Lost in thought and repressed emotions, I turned my head to look up at the streetlights and shed dry tears.
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