I do not know what got into me then but I was attempting to read it cover to cover, although I had to skip Psalms because it was just too long and repetitive, and at that young age I wasn't really into poetry (songs) very much. And the New Testament bored me so I skipped it too except for Revelations. Who would dare skip the sheer awesomeness of Revelations anyway? And the maps! Oh how I loved the maps of Canaan, and how the twelve (or was it thirteen since Joseph's was split into Ephraim and Manasseh?) tribes distributed themselves on the land. I actually made my own Canaan maps and tried to imitate how the tribes will move to a different part of the map with time. Such a weirdo I was back then.
Ecclesiastes has been one of the most distinctive chapters I've read. In my grandfather's Bible, Ecclesiastes was represented as an old man wearing long robes and with a long beard who had his head on his hands as if he was thinking. I remember he had a frown too. I can't recall everything about that chapter, but it left me the impression that gaining too much knowledge will only bring you misery in the end. Up to this day, that notion has stuck with me and whenever I feel burdened about "knowing too much too soon", I can't help but recall that wise but troubled philosopher in Ecclesiastes. And I suppose I've never been as close to what Ecclesiastes (was it even a name?) felt then as these past few months.
I just heard yesterday that the results of my comprehensive exams are already out, and I have this impression (based from hearsay) that I actually failed and that I am not going to get my masters degree after all. There is the slimmest chance that I might be given another chance but I am not going to hold on that hope. I am going to unabashedly lay my cards on the table - I am not going to get my graduate degree. And yes, I did feel terrible at first (I walked all the way from IC to Sikatuna to air out my negative thoughts) but what actually surprised me is that I am really okay with that fact. I expected myself to be devastated, and my drama-hungry side is actually rather disappointed with me that I am not. It seems that when I said I didn't really care whether I get my MS degree or not, I meant exactly that.
Now the trouble is, there is a part of me which tells me that I should be worried that I am not worried about this. I mean, it is to my advantage that I know that I am not going to fall apart because I have prepared myself enough for this, but you know... I think it's actually kinda scary that I can't make myself care. It really does seem that I have completely different priorities than the world! For example, just this morning I saw this video of Jessica Soho interviewing UP's valedictorian and I just wasn't impressed with the man. Academic excellence has totally lost its appeal to me.
And what is more troubling is that I am actually excited to fail! That it's like the proof I was waiting for all this time. The proof that I just wasn't meant to become a scientist. The proof that I was meant for more exciting things. That when I fail, I have proven something to the world. I mean, I've always had this vision of myself starting from scratch. I want to work my way up again because I really hadn't appreciated being on top. Like some of you, I really didn't exert much effort at all to be on top of my game. It just happened. And I think that's the major reason why I do not appreciate it and that was why I allowed myself to let go of my academic standing which others value so much. And I don't have the thirst to prove myself in that aspect either. I think I've already done enough. I've already proven to myself the extent of the things I can accomplish. It's time for me to prove to the world that I will not be dictated at.
I do am thankful that these things are clear to me. That I am aware that early on, I have to find a new profession if I really do not like what I am being trained to be for the rest of my life. However, the trouble with being wiser than my years (I believe I have earned the right to claim that description) is that the rest of the world just doesn't work to accommodate "advanced" people like you. As I've said in a previous entry, it would have been more convenient if I got to finish my degree first, secured a high-paying job, before I got to thinking about life and existence and all that. I know a lot of older people (my parents, for instance) who hasn't even thought about those things. Such thoughts should have been tucked away inside my mind so I could have focused on more mundane things like acads. But I failed in controlling that urge for relevant knowledge.
For instance, instead of studying for my compre, I actually spent more time reading on philosophical arguments for and against the existence of god. I was just so engrossed with the thing, and even if the exam was only days away, I asked myself "What can be more important than this fundamental question?" so I spent hours and more hours reading about these things that I often found myself staying up until morning (I continue to do that if you haven't noticed). It is true that I could have done that extra reading some other time, but yeah, I have no excuse. I was just too immersed in enlightening myself and vainly attempting the same to the people around me (with lackluster response, I don't need to add. And please don't snigger, because it actually counts against you if you do.)
So there goes... my Ecclesiastes-ish dilemma.
And no, if you got the idea that I am going to agree with the Bible that searching for knowledge will only lead you to misery, you are sadly mistaken. The thing is, this trouble arose because of the outside and not from within. I am at peace with myself. And even if I don't have rock-solid plans on what I plan to do next, at least for the present, my thoughts are clear about these things.
Why I said the problem is with the world is because the truth is, ideals count for nothing in the real world. You can say that I am more "right" than others in the sense that I prioritize my inclination to the job rather than my need to take it, but the real world expects me to finish this now so I can climb up the social ladder faster. The real world cares for nothing but your status, and that will make it a bit more difficult for me. Just imagine me in an interview for a new job, and when I am asked why I did not get my MS degree, I can't just say "Because during those years, I realized that there are more important things than that..." The fact is it is I, not them, who needs to do the conforming. I may have the better ideals, but sadly, the world doesn't work that way.
I suppose one of my consolations is that I don't really care about what others think of me. Degrees aren't my measure of self-worth. It is the memories you left behind which matter more, I think. The number of people whose lives you have touched, how much knowledge you've imparted to others, how many friends you've had... Those things I value, and those things are the ones I focused on.
I am going to close this entry with something which came to my head days ago, when I was at my parents' house. I was feeling particularly worried about my compre results at that time, when it came to me that no matter what the results may be, no one can say that I've wasted the past six years of my life. Those six years I devoted to my students and to myself. Those six years I devoted to gaining knowledge which cannot be graded, and no matter how many pitying looks I receive from the "other"-minded people who surround me, that is one thing they cannot deny I earned.
I find it surprising that despite this potentially life-destroying news, I still find reasons to be happy. Hehehe. Oh I don't know... I must be getting older.
:)
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