Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Goodbye, First Guy

July 5, 2007

Sometimes it's stupid. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes, it's embarrassing. Other times, it's alright.
Goodbye, first guy. Just thought about everything being over now.
And I thought about everything starting to be really okay with my baby.
I know that, sometimes, we just have to leave everything behind. That sometimes, we can't fix things. That we have to leave things broken. That I'll never ever see you again, and if I do, it will not be as I want it to be.
This is how it is meant to be - you and I. And it's sad. But I have to accept it.
This will be my last entry for you. This will be the last time I'll ever write about you. From now on, I won't think of you. I won't talk about you with my friends.
I had my one last cry. On the bus home. I didn't mind the other passengers. I cried, and I wasn't able to stop it. I thought of what I've done for you without getting anything back.
But I won't dwell on you anymore. I'd love to, you know I do, I love pain. But my baby needs me, and I need him. He's the one I'll be with for the rest of my life. Not you. Though I used to think it was you.
Goodbye. You don't fucking know what you've missed in me. But I don't care anymore. You can fuck other people and I won't ever give a damn anymore, even if you do it to my face.
I'm throwing away your picture. And I know that when I tear it, I'm tearing my own heart. And when I burn it, I'm burning away your memories.
Sometimes, things just end up bad. And that's that. No amount of crying will ever change that.
Goodbye to the first guy I ever loved.
Nothing more... No more.
I did my best.
No more.
Goodbye.
***
I'm listening to this song...
Put away the pictures
Put away the memories
I put over and over
Through my tears
I've held them till I'm blind
They kept my hope alive
As if somehow that I'd keep you here
Once you believed in a love forever more?
How do you leave it in a drawer?

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning,
Learning the art of letting go.

Try to say it's over
Say the word goodbye.
But each time it catches in my throat
You're still here in me
And I can't set you free
So I hold on to what I wanted most
Maybe someday we'll be friend's forever more
Wish I could open up that door

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning,
Learning the art of letting go

Watching us fade
What can I do?
But try to make it through
the pain of one more day
Without you

Where do I start, to live my life alone?
I guess I'm learning, only learning,
Learning the art of letting go.

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