I've found out that HE has a multiply account. It's Orlando Bloom's fault entirely. I shouldnt've watched At World's End with my baby. Will Turner made me remember. He made me live it all over again.
So later, I was checking my multiply account because I had to reply to some messages my students sent me. And suddenly, I had this thought of searching multiply for his account. I keyed in his email (I cannot erase it from my memory), and voila, there he is! I browsed through his page, saw his pictures (very vain but with good cause, I have to admit), and read his blog. And I was in pain. His entries were dated last year, around his birthday. He isn't a regular blogger like me. Just four entries on his vague trials, on his birthday (I clearly remember Milenyo wrecking Manila on that date... how coincidental), and on this special person! Fuck it!
Hell I was mad. I illogically felt hurt. I have no call on his feelings. No call at all. I was thinking, hoping that he was too engrossed with his studies - that he will have no time for love. It's one of those small things busted people like me hope for. That they'll remain single. That they'll be looking at no one else.
I was hoping. Hoping that he was gay, or bisexual like me. I had good cause. Uber good-looking people like him cannot stay single for long. He will be snatched up by girls and gays... So I was thinking, why is he isn't in a relationship? Maybe he's gay, I thought, with an evil grin.
But my hopes of that delusion aren't really squashed yet. He has this special someone, but he didn't say (or at least, I can't remember) that the person was a girl. And they aren't in a relationship. I have yet to see him holding hands with a girl. But still, that isn't enough. He could be bisexual.
Foolish. I should stop hoping. It's just that, in this world, I only get attracted to very few people. It would seem illogical, I know, because I'm not attractive myself. Quite the opposite. But it has something to do with their attitude. With who they are and what they look like that I'm attracted to. That fatal combination which will make me fall head over heels. And so far, I've found only three. And he's the best among them.
It's with my ego perhaps. I cannot let him go because I cannot face failure. He was the first I lost. The first I failed to get. Maybe. Maybe that. Or maybe I just cannot find someone else like him. Maybe no one will ever make me feel like he did.
In the movie, before the credits came up [spoiler alert!], there was this scene with Will and Elizabeth on the beach. Another weird thing - I've always thought of myself as an island (the friendster blog title, my yearbook description, my juvenile journals). I imagined he was Will and I was Elizabeth. I had no choice! I don't want to be a girl though. And he looks so much like Orlando Bloom (except perhaps for the guy I had sex with once, though I didn't enjoy that). And Will had his heart in this chest, which he asked Elizabeth to keep. And Will was about to go to the Flying Dutchman, leaving Elizabeth for 10 years, and Will told her, "Keep your eye on the horizon."
How it all fits. It was like he himself telling me to keep my eye on my boyfriend (his album, if you can remember is called "On the Horizon"). The setting, the sun about to set (Dusk at Red Island), Elizabeth left on the beach and Will Turner gone... It all fits.
***
I should be happy with everything I have now. But I learned that I can't just put out the light of my inner fires entirely. Until someone comes along to douse it. Until someone comes along which can match what he has done for me... Maybe then, when the time comes when I'll completely feel that I'm worthy of the person. When I get my confidence back... Maybe then I can figure things out.
So later, I was checking my multiply account because I had to reply to some messages my students sent me. And suddenly, I had this thought of searching multiply for his account. I keyed in his email (I cannot erase it from my memory), and voila, there he is! I browsed through his page, saw his pictures (very vain but with good cause, I have to admit), and read his blog. And I was in pain. His entries were dated last year, around his birthday. He isn't a regular blogger like me. Just four entries on his vague trials, on his birthday (I clearly remember Milenyo wrecking Manila on that date... how coincidental), and on this special person! Fuck it!
Hell I was mad. I illogically felt hurt. I have no call on his feelings. No call at all. I was thinking, hoping that he was too engrossed with his studies - that he will have no time for love. It's one of those small things busted people like me hope for. That they'll remain single. That they'll be looking at no one else.
I was hoping. Hoping that he was gay, or bisexual like me. I had good cause. Uber good-looking people like him cannot stay single for long. He will be snatched up by girls and gays... So I was thinking, why is he isn't in a relationship? Maybe he's gay, I thought, with an evil grin.
But my hopes of that delusion aren't really squashed yet. He has this special someone, but he didn't say (or at least, I can't remember) that the person was a girl. And they aren't in a relationship. I have yet to see him holding hands with a girl. But still, that isn't enough. He could be bisexual.
Foolish. I should stop hoping. It's just that, in this world, I only get attracted to very few people. It would seem illogical, I know, because I'm not attractive myself. Quite the opposite. But it has something to do with their attitude. With who they are and what they look like that I'm attracted to. That fatal combination which will make me fall head over heels. And so far, I've found only three. And he's the best among them.
It's with my ego perhaps. I cannot let him go because I cannot face failure. He was the first I lost. The first I failed to get. Maybe. Maybe that. Or maybe I just cannot find someone else like him. Maybe no one will ever make me feel like he did.
In the movie, before the credits came up [spoiler alert!], there was this scene with Will and Elizabeth on the beach. Another weird thing - I've always thought of myself as an island (the friendster blog title, my yearbook description, my juvenile journals). I imagined he was Will and I was Elizabeth. I had no choice! I don't want to be a girl though. And he looks so much like Orlando Bloom (except perhaps for the guy I had sex with once, though I didn't enjoy that). And Will had his heart in this chest, which he asked Elizabeth to keep. And Will was about to go to the Flying Dutchman, leaving Elizabeth for 10 years, and Will told her, "Keep your eye on the horizon."
How it all fits. It was like he himself telling me to keep my eye on my boyfriend (his album, if you can remember is called "On the Horizon"). The setting, the sun about to set (Dusk at Red Island), Elizabeth left on the beach and Will Turner gone... It all fits.
***
I should be happy with everything I have now. But I learned that I can't just put out the light of my inner fires entirely. Until someone comes along to douse it. Until someone comes along which can match what he has done for me... Maybe then, when the time comes when I'll completely feel that I'm worthy of the person. When I get my confidence back... Maybe then I can figure things out.
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