The Aftermath

April 21, 2008

Morning found me tired and wan. Got off my bed and looked at my puffy eyes in the mirror.

Went to the shower and looked down on myself, thinking whether it will be needed. Whether it will be enough.

Went through my clothes and settled on red. For rebellion. For blood and attention. Red, the first color of the rainbow. A new beginning.

Board shorts for summer. For the heat and for having fun. For wading through waters unknown. For drowning myself in the blue water of dreams and wishes, hoping to be saved before I touch bottom.

To school and to work. To the photocopying machine. To my transparencies and to the lesson. Thinking. Preparing.

To the front of the class. To hoping what I feel wouldn't show. For decorum. For professionalism.

Then, a stray look. Unguarded eye movements. Uncontrolled blushing and smiles. Mortified yet excited. Still as calm water.

Then I knew

That he knew

And a voice in my head echoed...

FOUL!
Closer to the night. To the appointed hour when what should have happened didn't happen.

To finding myself on my bed, alone and weeping. To crying out to God, surprisingly, asking why I've been denied of this simple wish for so long. To telling myself what had happened will happen again and again to my life. I knew all along. Yet I wanted to feel the rush of the wind against my face one more time.

Forever dreaming. Forever trying. Forever denied.

Realizing that no matter how big I believe myself to be, I will never be big enough to have what I really want. Dreams don't come true. The songs tell me not to give up on my dreams, and I was faithful to them. I held on, believing that that is the right attitude.

But they lied.

And instead of being close to him, I was lying on my bed defeated and humiliated. Stripped off of the dreams which have kept me going all these years. I have never really given up on them despite the pain. All these years. And with their loss, I felt my soul transform into something darker and more forbidding. A darker knight.

And then I knew that I will never be the same again.

And then I knew, lying on my bed, my pillow wet with tears... I knew that I can never go back. That some things die within you. The rainbow, my supposedly magical summer, swallowed by the blackness of what is real. My dreams... Lost. The magic I've hoped for all these years... leaking out of my eyes.

The world... is harsh.

Night found me tired and wan. Got off my bed and looked at my puffy eyes in the mirror.

Nothing, really, has changed.

Danger Zone

April 20, 2008

I am sad that I'm going to "cheat" on my baby tomorrow night. I am sad and I feel guilty... But there's no other way for me to improve myself. Summer always makes me feel reckless... and finally here's someone I like who will spend time with me. I just want to know how it feels like... To be with someone you really like even if you're not going to do romantic things.

I have to know now. I'm getting older and with age will come limited possibilities. I just want to know how it feels like. I just want to feel how it is to fall again. I just want that excitement again. That magical feeling... I want to make my dream come true. Is there anything wrong with that? Is there anything wrong in trying to feel what I've never felt before?

Yes. Because I'm going to hurt my baby. But as I've said, I don't think we'd really be doing anything which can be considered as cheating. It's all in my head and for poor poor foolish people like me, that is enough motivation to go through with it.

But will I really stop there? Will I continue to pursue what my heart has longed for for ages? Will I still hope for what I've never had from hunter and alpha? The first cut is the deepest. Hasn't my baby healed those scars already?

I want a hero, reader. I'm tired of taking the lead. For once I want to feel how it is to be taken away to heaven and to the stars. All these years I've been on my feet, taking that girl/guy in my arms and taking him/her away... I want to be the one swept away this time. Even just once

I sense another healthy serving of fresh and raw heartaches for my stupid heart.

Oh blog... I don't know what to do. I know my heart and it will never change. If I don't do it now, it will just happen again to someone else.

I know that this is wrong but I can hardly control how I feel. I can hardly control my brain from plotting how to get him and be with him. I can't force myself not to think of him. I cannot stop myself from being happy. I have no control over my heart and I know that whether I do it or not, our relationship will suffer all the same. Better to get it over with and learn while it's still early.

Oh blog... I just cannot pretend. Even through text messages, I can't press that smiley letter U if I really don't feel it. And so my baby knows that I'm not the same.

Is it just me? Why does this happen if I'm getting my due from my baby?

Stability.

Didn't think that word would trigger me to run away from him like this.

Oh reader... I don't know what to do.

I should be sad, putting our relationship at stake. I should be. But the greater part of me is excited on what might happen tomorrow. I'm about to do something which may lead me to my own ruination (or to nirvana). I don't want to hurt people anymore... It doesn't feel good but I am who I am. When karma comes, I just have to pay for all of this...

Oh my baby, I don't know what has happened to me...

Somebody... My hero... Please save me

Why am I... like this?

Beta

April 17, 2008

Hay sir bry, isa kang malaking tanga. Hindi ka natututo. Sa mga nangyari na sa iyo dapat alam mo nang walang patutunguhan ang ganito. Pero tuloy ka pa din. Wala kang pag-asa.

Wala ka nang dahilan. Hindi ka single. Wala kang karapatang tumingin sa iba. Wala kang karapatang umasa. Sino ka ba nga naman sa kanya? Wala. Wala ka sa kanya. Ang tanga tanga mo. Bobo.

Ano na lang ang sasabihin ng mga tao sa iyo? Mahina ka. Wala kang backbone. Hindi mo kayang mag-commit. Puro ka da moves. Walang patutunguhan iyan tangina mo tumigil ka na. Gago. Isa kang napakalaking gago.

Ano na lang ang sasabihin niya sa iyo? Wala kang kuwenta, sir bry. Walang magtatagal sa iyo kung ganyan ka. Huwag ka nang umasa na magugustuhan ka din niya. Gago! Hindi mo kasi ginagamit ang isip mo. Puro ka mata. Puro ka puso. Walang utak. Walang memory.

Ilang beses na ba naulit ito? Dalawa! At sa dalawang beses na iyon may napala ka ba? Wala! Nasaktan ka lang at alam mong kasalanan mo din naman. Tapos heto ka na naman. Titser ka lang gago. Hanggang dun ka lang. Nasaan na ba kasi ang utak mo?

Oo. Meron siyang mga bagay na wala sa baby mo. Meron siyang mga bagay na wala sa iyo. Oo totoo yun. Pero hindi lahat ng gusto mo makukuha mo. Hindi mo pa rin natutunan iyon hanggang ngayon. Dakdak ka lang nang dakdak sa klase pero ikaw mismo nakakalimutan din ang mga pinagsasabi mo. Paulit-ulit ka lang. Ikaw ang bagsak sa "life". Ikaw ang singko.

Ganyan talaga, sir bry. Ganyan talaga ang relasyon. Minsan masaya minsan hindi. Hindi ka makakahanap ng perpekto para sa iyo. Wala ka. Olats ka. Loser ka. Sinong magkakagusto sa iyo? Wala! At siya pa ang gusto mo? Gago. Magising ka nga sir bry. Itigil mo na yang iniisip mo.

Ano nga iyon ang sasabihin sa iyo ng baby mo kapag nalaman niya ito? Ano na lang sir bry? Sa lahat ng ginawa niya para sa iyo! Puro na lang kakulangan ang nakikita mo! Hindi dahilan ang paghahanap ng experience! Ganun talaga. May mga bagay na hindi mo na pwedeng gawin gago ka. Huwag kang magmagaling kasi hindi ka magaling. Titser ka lang gago. Hanggang blackboard ka lang para sa kanya.

Ano. iiyak ka na naman? Kasi hindi mo magawa ang mga gusto mong gawin? Kasi kahit pag-iisip lang nang ganun hindi na pwede? Bakit may mangyayari nga ba? Paano mo malalaman kung hindi mo susubukan.

Akala mo ba makukuntento ka sa lahat ng mga taong makakasama mo?

Pinasok mo ang sitwasyon na ito. Tapusin mo. Kung totoong ayaw mo, tapusin mo.

THIS WILL PASS

THIS WILL PASS

THIS WILL PASS

Huwag kang madedevelop! Kontrolin mo ang sarili mo. Mag-isip ka sir bry. Mag-isip ka naman. Huwag mo nang gawing tatlo parang awa mo na. Sapat na yung dalawa. Tama na.

Tama na!

***
PAULA COLE BAND - PEARL
Humility on Bleecker Street
Exposed my faults until I'm left defeated
It's been three years into this relationship
This is longer than I ever could commit
But I feel I'm near
But I feel my fear


I'm standing at the edge of another precipice in life
Gotta face my steppenwolf
Gotta drag you through the mud
When I get there I will see myself
I will look for strength within
I will be a better woman
Hang in there baby
I'm the grain of sand becoming the pearl


There are no roll models in rock 'n' roll
No women who could have it all
The long career, the man, the happy family
And here I stand and god I do demand it
And I feel I'm near 
But I feel my fear


I'm standing at the edge of another precipice in life
Gotta face my steppenwolf
Gotta drag you through the mud
When I get there I will see myself
I will look for strength within
I will be a better woman
Hang in there baby
I'm the grain ofsand becoming the pearl


It's dark in here
Don't know who I am
Memories come
I'm wading through the moon
Evil side
Wants to drag me down
Will power
God please give me some
(I'm hanging onto hope now)


I'm standing at the edge of another precipice in life
Baggage from my family
Going back to therapy
I will kneel, be humble, tow the weight
I will look for strength within
I will be a better woman
Hang in their baby
I'm the grain of sand becoming the pearl .

Stranger

April 16, 2008

WARNING: This entry, although not intended to be abusive, may contain some rated material not suitable for sensitive readers.

***

You were looking at me, I know. But I couldn't look at you back.

You were near. So near beside me. And beautiful. You looked like someone I know. Someone I lost last summer. And I imagined you were him. He didn't want me. Maybe you are here beside me now to replace him. Maybe you want me too. Maybe this time I get to win. Maybe... Maybe... My pulse raced.

You looked at me again, I know. But I couldn't move my eyes to meet yours. I used to believe in things like this. Meeting strangers on the bus home. Trying to feel each other. Flirting. I didn't want to believe it will happen to me now but you looked at me again and smiled. I took a deep breath.

I played with my hands. Rubbed my fingers over each other. Tried to give you subtle signs. I didn't know what else to do. I like you, yes. And I want to hold your hand. I want you to lean your head on my shoulder. I want to comfort you and erase that forlorn look from your eyes. I want to please you. Just because I like you and you're a stranger and you're looking at me.

23 years old but I still haven't experienced such a thing. Almost always, those few I get to like ignore me or cannot give me what I want from them. Those who flirt with me I do not like. And suddenly, there you were, reciprocating.

It would have been fun, touching your arm and going home with you. It would have been exciting to lie in each other's arms through the night. But I'm beyond such things now. I'm betrothed. I'm married. I already have someone else. But I like you. I do. Not only because you're beautiful, but because you make me feel beautiful as well. You make me feel that I'm wanted and desired.

My baby? Sometimes he wants me sometimes he doesn't care. He likes to sleep. He prefers that to having sex with me, he told me. He said having me beside him is enough. My presence is enough.

My baby? He doesn't tell me compliments. We've been more than one year together but if I count the times he praised me for how I look it cannot be more than the fingers of my hand.

Earlier I was fucking him but as always, he was not very responsive. He said he was tired. I was tired too. Of many things. It's a thing which could be mended and it isn't always bad but

Sometimes, I want to feel admired too.

Sometimes, I want to feel I'm wanted too.

Sometimes, I want more excitement.

And you were there beside me, willing, a dream come true but my eyes were stuck to my hands. I cannot. I want to feel those things from you but I cannot. I cannot lie with other people now. Not ever.

And when Philcoa came I stood and I half-expected you to look at me, a question in your eyes, and amazingly you did, and it was then that I looked you in the eye, and I realized that you weren't half as handsome as I thought you were from the corner of my eye. You looked better in my mind. I was disappointed.

I got off the bus and shook my head inwardly on how foolish I was, getting carried away for nothing.

But I know that I like you still just for the looks you gave me.

Hello, Wishing Star

March 14, 2008

Yup. Me and hunter are alright now. I sent him an email last February and he replied that everything's all in the past and that there was no need for forgiveness and more drama. I should've been happy after reading it. I should've been jumping up and down, knowing that we're friends again. Isn't that what I was aiming for all these years?
Well, I was happy. I am happier right now. It's just that... you know. When something just disappears, it leaves this empty space in your heart and you get the feeling that you need to fill that space again. You begin to look for someone who will replace what you've lost.
Shaming as it is to admit this but... I think a part of the reason why I sent him that email is that I just want to hear from him again. A part of me didn't care what he would say as long as he would talk to me. Just seeing his words on the screen, knowing that he was talking to me is enough for my stupid heart. But don't get me wrong though. I did want us to be friends like old times and I was really grateful that he clarified things between us (I told him so in my reply), but... the fact that he did say that we're okay means that... you know... the thought of us being together... that thought is really over.
Now, I don't think of hunter as much as I used to. Nourishing that feeling when we're already friends is anathema to the unspoken code about relationships. Now that his feelings are clarified, I don't have the right to nourish my hopes anymore.
I was successful in restoring our friendship. After three years of continuous effort to talk some sense into him, I was victorious in the end. I am happier. But I'm not... jumping up and down about it.
I love my baby. I really do. It's just that when he's away, I spontaneously revert back to my original emo foolish state. If only I can be with my baby all the time, I'm certain that these thoughts will go away for good.
***
How many times have I said goodbye to hunter, reader? I can't remember. One of these days I will buy a balloon. A red one for his birthday shirt and I'd write hunter's name on it. I will go to the fire escape alone and I'd talk to it. I'd say:
"You're beautiful, balloon. You're the most beautiful guy I've ever seen and sadly, I can't be with you. I tried but... you're meant for another. A girl I guess. That girl should (starts singing) better hold you tight. Give you all the love. Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky 'cause... You're  the reason for the teardrops on my guitar. The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star. Here's the song in the car I keep singing. Don't know why I do. (stops singing) Oh, balloon, I don't know why I do. Sometimes I laugh about you. Sometimes I cry. But no matter the reason, I have to let you go... Goodbye L**"
And I'd let the balloon go. Of course I won't cry. Nope. Not me. I'll manage a smile since you seeing me sad is useless. I'd just watch you rise higher and higher... away from my reach... But I'll squint up at you until you're indistinguishable from the sky
And at night, I'd look up at my wishing star and wonder what to do with it now

True Love

January 30, 2008

True love is hard to find. But it found me. And I'm the luckiest guy/bitch in the world for it found me so easily and I should be taking care of it instead of fooling around with deadened dreams

I learn

No matter how repetitive some things in my life are, different events happen through different cycles

I learn

I'm learning the value of true love

Get Him Naked (I've Got A Plan)

January 25, 2008

Slap me in the face for having unfaithful thoughts. Make me realize that what I'm feeling for Hunter is LUST not LOVE, and so that somebody (for the sake of the Multiply world) should dispose away of that lust by making SOMETHING happen between me and Hunter. Somebody should arrange kidnappings and such, if Hunter does not agree.

If Hunter really cannot be obtained, somebody should kill him because until I get him, I will never stop writing about him, and I will never stop telling my students about him and doing albums about him. I will never stop performing rites in front of his picture. Somebody should help me obtain him at all costs so that we can all read about more sensible entries.

If that is NOT possible, somebody should help me talk to him (and get him naked) to do away with the mystery surrounding him. Maybe I'll find out he's got a really tiny thing --> lust automatically zeroes. Though honestly, with him, I don't think it matters. Even if he turns out to be a lesbian pretending to be a guy, I'm still on. Somebody should arrange things so that I will be able to touch him at will*.

HOWEVER, if somebody already owns him, I will do nothing for I respect whoever that person is.

BUT UNTIL THEN, somebody should still try to make us friends again. Because no matter how horny I can be, FRIENDSHIP is still way more satisfying than LUST. In the long run at least.

So which is easier to do, help us be friends again or get him naked**?

---

*if you want to know about my detailed plans, simply say so

**if you choose this alternative, do remind him that I've got certain skills which in no way will make him feel bad