Hello, Wishing Star

March 14, 2008

Yup. Me and hunter are alright now. I sent him an email last February and he replied that everything's all in the past and that there was no need for forgiveness and more drama. I should've been happy after reading it. I should've been jumping up and down, knowing that we're friends again. Isn't that what I was aiming for all these years?
Well, I was happy. I am happier right now. It's just that... you know. When something just disappears, it leaves this empty space in your heart and you get the feeling that you need to fill that space again. You begin to look for someone who will replace what you've lost.
Shaming as it is to admit this but... I think a part of the reason why I sent him that email is that I just want to hear from him again. A part of me didn't care what he would say as long as he would talk to me. Just seeing his words on the screen, knowing that he was talking to me is enough for my stupid heart. But don't get me wrong though. I did want us to be friends like old times and I was really grateful that he clarified things between us (I told him so in my reply), but... the fact that he did say that we're okay means that... you know... the thought of us being together... that thought is really over.
Now, I don't think of hunter as much as I used to. Nourishing that feeling when we're already friends is anathema to the unspoken code about relationships. Now that his feelings are clarified, I don't have the right to nourish my hopes anymore.
I was successful in restoring our friendship. After three years of continuous effort to talk some sense into him, I was victorious in the end. I am happier. But I'm not... jumping up and down about it.
I love my baby. I really do. It's just that when he's away, I spontaneously revert back to my original emo foolish state. If only I can be with my baby all the time, I'm certain that these thoughts will go away for good.
***
How many times have I said goodbye to hunter, reader? I can't remember. One of these days I will buy a balloon. A red one for his birthday shirt and I'd write hunter's name on it. I will go to the fire escape alone and I'd talk to it. I'd say:
"You're beautiful, balloon. You're the most beautiful guy I've ever seen and sadly, I can't be with you. I tried but... you're meant for another. A girl I guess. That girl should (starts singing) better hold you tight. Give you all the love. Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky 'cause... You're  the reason for the teardrops on my guitar. The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star. Here's the song in the car I keep singing. Don't know why I do. (stops singing) Oh, balloon, I don't know why I do. Sometimes I laugh about you. Sometimes I cry. But no matter the reason, I have to let you go... Goodbye L**"
And I'd let the balloon go. Of course I won't cry. Nope. Not me. I'll manage a smile since you seeing me sad is useless. I'd just watch you rise higher and higher... away from my reach... But I'll squint up at you until you're indistinguishable from the sky
And at night, I'd look up at my wishing star and wonder what to do with it now