April 21, 2008
Morning found me tired and wan. Got off my bed and looked at my puffy eyes in the mirror.
Went to the shower and looked down on myself, thinking whether it will be needed. Whether it will be enough.
Went through my clothes and settled on red. For rebellion. For blood and attention. Red, the first color of the rainbow. A new beginning.
Board shorts for summer. For the heat and for having fun. For wading through waters unknown. For drowning myself in the blue water of dreams and wishes, hoping to be saved before I touch bottom.
To school and to work. To the photocopying machine. To my transparencies and to the lesson. Thinking. Preparing.
To the front of the class. To hoping what I feel wouldn't show. For decorum. For professionalism.
Then, a stray look. Unguarded eye movements. Uncontrolled blushing and smiles. Mortified yet excited. Still as calm water.
Then I knew
That he knew
And a voice in my head echoed...
FOUL!
Closer to the night. To the appointed hour when what should have happened didn't happen.
To finding myself on my bed, alone and weeping. To crying out to God, surprisingly, asking why I've been denied of this simple wish for so long. To telling myself what had happened will happen again and again to my life. I knew all along. Yet I wanted to feel the rush of the wind against my face one more time.
Forever dreaming. Forever trying. Forever denied.
Realizing that no matter how big I believe myself to be, I will never be big enough to have what I really want. Dreams don't come true. The songs tell me not to give up on my dreams, and I was faithful to them. I held on, believing that that is the right attitude.
But they lied.
And instead of being close to him, I was lying on my bed defeated and humiliated. Stripped off of the dreams which have kept me going all these years. I have never really given up on them despite the pain. All these years. And with their loss, I felt my soul transform into something darker and more forbidding. A darker knight.
And then I knew that I will never be the same again.
And then I knew, lying on my bed, my pillow wet with tears... I knew that I can never go back. That some things die within you. The rainbow, my supposedly magical summer, swallowed by the blackness of what is real. My dreams... Lost. The magic I've hoped for all these years... leaking out of my eyes.
The world... is harsh.
Night found me tired and wan. Got off my bed and looked at my puffy eyes in the mirror.
Nothing, really, has changed.
Went to the shower and looked down on myself, thinking whether it will be needed. Whether it will be enough.
Went through my clothes and settled on red. For rebellion. For blood and attention. Red, the first color of the rainbow. A new beginning.
Board shorts for summer. For the heat and for having fun. For wading through waters unknown. For drowning myself in the blue water of dreams and wishes, hoping to be saved before I touch bottom.
To school and to work. To the photocopying machine. To my transparencies and to the lesson. Thinking. Preparing.
To the front of the class. To hoping what I feel wouldn't show. For decorum. For professionalism.
Then, a stray look. Unguarded eye movements. Uncontrolled blushing and smiles. Mortified yet excited. Still as calm water.
Then I knew
That he knew
And a voice in my head echoed...
FOUL!
Closer to the night. To the appointed hour when what should have happened didn't happen.
To finding myself on my bed, alone and weeping. To crying out to God, surprisingly, asking why I've been denied of this simple wish for so long. To telling myself what had happened will happen again and again to my life. I knew all along. Yet I wanted to feel the rush of the wind against my face one more time.
Forever dreaming. Forever trying. Forever denied.
Realizing that no matter how big I believe myself to be, I will never be big enough to have what I really want. Dreams don't come true. The songs tell me not to give up on my dreams, and I was faithful to them. I held on, believing that that is the right attitude.
But they lied.
And instead of being close to him, I was lying on my bed defeated and humiliated. Stripped off of the dreams which have kept me going all these years. I have never really given up on them despite the pain. All these years. And with their loss, I felt my soul transform into something darker and more forbidding. A darker knight.
And then I knew that I will never be the same again.
And then I knew, lying on my bed, my pillow wet with tears... I knew that I can never go back. That some things die within you. The rainbow, my supposedly magical summer, swallowed by the blackness of what is real. My dreams... Lost. The magic I've hoped for all these years... leaking out of my eyes.
The world... is harsh.
Night found me tired and wan. Got off my bed and looked at my puffy eyes in the mirror.
Nothing, really, has changed.
No comments:
Post a Comment