In the NIght

11pm. I was walking along the corporate streets behind SM Megamall. From a stranger's point of view, it might seem that I knew where I was going. I had this purposeful stride and a determined look on my face. But I was lost. I should have asked her for directions to EDSA, but she appeared to be in a hurry. I walked out of the elevator alone among corporate people, and surreptitiously looked around for that blue SM sign.

It's strange. I don't know how it is about other people but I like to pretend that I always know where I'm going. It could have been simpler to ask for directions from people I don't know instead of roaming around aimlessly. I don't like feeling helpless. I don't like talking to strangers. I don't like feeling I am stupid. So I kept walking, not even bothering to slow down my steps even if I might be going in the opposite direction.

I was lucky though. I was heading in the right direction after all. And there were signs. It occured to me then, how that experience was akin to real life. When I'm in a pickle, luck and signs (and a sense of direction) help me along the way. Predictably, I solved my own predicament on my own.

***

My Starbucks venti was on my left hand. My cig on my right. My ass was rubbing the plastic stool beside the service elevator of the corporate building where she works at night. I was talking with Rhay. My eyes were on the table.

Sometimes, talking with Rhay brings me down. She makes me feel inadequate. I know it's because she's already rather rich. She is able to give lots of money to her family. And it doesn't help that it was just two years ago when we were still rather on the same financial level.

But I am not envious of her. She deserves her wealth. She's been working really hard. She told me she's planning to take her mom on a visit to Malaysia.

It made me think.

I told her I have other goals right now. I told her I'm not aiming for money right now. I am satisfied with my life. But I'm not earning enough for my family. I can't feed them all, yet.

I told her that sometimes I think of being totally independent of my family. I told her that they weigh me down. Here I was, nailing my seminar, winning "That's My Prof", my album on the way to its launch, and then my mom will text me if I will go home since my dad is sick and that they don't even have money for rice.

I told Rhay that money is not on my agenda at present. Right now, I said, I want to fulfill my emotional needs. I am completing my own person before I proceed to other stuff. Why do my parents' mistakes have to be passed on to me? It was their fault they are where they are right now. I've been successful on my own. They are not my responsibility. I'm not ready to feed three adult mouths.

Pero ikaw na talaga, she said.

My eyes landed on the table.

***

I was thinking of writing this entry on my way home. I was thinking of what I will name this entry, looking absently through the bus' window. I was thinking of how I'd like the ride to never end, going through towns, the view always changing, lights zooming past but never stopping.

I was thinking about endings.

I was thinking about getting older.

I was thinking about being unselfish.

The end of my era, my world, my music is sadly approaching.