I took a seat to your front, and while my friend who was the host was fussing over me, I kept stealing glances at your direction. Surreptitiously, of course. I had never been forward like that.
Then it was time for drinks and we moved to the table set outside. I wanted to sit right next to you but I did not want to be too obvious. I was talking to my friends and when we were talking about my ex-boyfriend, I raised my voice a little. Because I wanted you to know that I was gay, in case you missed that.
You were the one tasked with pouring the drinks, and everytime you handed me the shot glass, my fingers lingered a little on yours. Just a little. I couldn't help it. One time I let my fingers graze yours a second more than necessary. And you glanced at me. And in that moment, I thought of how it would be if you were mine.
In that moment, I thought of how it would feel to hold your hand. I thought of how it would feel if I can lean on your shoulder. I thought of how it would feel if I had someone like you. How my life would be different.
My friend, the host, was sitting next to me and I whispered to her that I like you and I asked her if you were single. And she laughed and she said you were. Very much so. And I got the impression that you never had a serious relationship. And I was ecstatic to hear that though I was puzzled since it was hard to believe that a guy like you could ever be single for long. But she also told me that you weren't into men. She overheard you say "no way" when that possibility was opened up earlier.
An hour later I was already drunk, thanks to your help. And I got to talking to one of the girls there. She was telling me about her heartaches. And I was all sympathetic because I'm a nice guy like that. And she seemed to be a really nice person. So even if the world was already spinning in my eyes, I managed to focus enough to give her the advice that she wanted to hear.
Later on she confessed that there was someone she liked there. Someone she liked for a long time now. And I hoped it wasn't you. How I hoped it was someone else. But I was wrong and it turned out that it was you. She told me that you've dated before but nothing happened. There was no spark, she said. And I was so dismayed at that turn of events though I let none of that show on my face, of course. She was a really nice girl. And I'm a nice guy like that.
And then I had the stupidity to play matchmaker because even though I liked you, I was trying to be her friend too. And I thought her need was greater than mine. So I approached you. And I asked you to sit right next to her. It tore my heart but it was the right thing to do.
I asked you how come you never liked this girl, given that she's really nice and pretty and all. And you said it's because we're the same. My eyebrows climbed at that, and I asked you to clarify that statement.
I don't know, you said. Sometimes I look at other guys and I find them attractive, you said. Then you asked me what that says about you.
I could hardly believe what you were saying. One moment I've crushed all my hopes and I was all but setting you up for this pretty girl who likes you and then you go about saying things like that. I told you to stop cutting the fool with us. With me, especially. But of course, I did not say that aloud.
What is he saying, I asked the girl. Do you believe him? Her eyes were wide but it was clear that she wasn't believing any word that you were saying. Don't believe him, she told me.
I mean, just look at how pretty she is, I told you. You must be crazy to let her go like that. Then you hurled the question back at me. What can you say about her, you asked me. I said she's pretty, that's all. That's what I'll say too, you said. We're the same, you repeated. We act like men, but we like men, you said.
You're fooling with us, I insisted. No, I'm serious, you said. Let's talk, just the two of us, you said. And you gestured to a more secluded part of the garden. But instead of taking you up on that suggestion, I turned my back on you. I walked away. Because I couldn't handle it anymore. I don't want no carrot dangling in front of me, only to be snatched away when I reach for it. I went to the table to get drunk some more. I had to pour for myself since you've long relinquished your tanggero role by that time.
The next time I looked at you, you were on the seat of the motorcycle, sleeping. Apparently drunk. I wished I could go to you. I wished I could ask you if you're okay since no one was paying any special attention to you. But of course, I won't. I'm not like that guy. I'm always in control. And besides, the girl was watching. And she has first claim on you. So I kept my mind off you. As much as I could. So I got drunk as much as I could.
And then suddenly, you were awake. You were leaning on the wall. And then you were preparing to leave and you were walking towards the gate. I couldn't pretend being unconcerned anymore so I followed you. But the girl was there first. She stood between us. So I was demoted to hovering in the background, hoping to catch a last glimpse of you before you were gone. Who was I anyway? Who was I in your life? Who was I to even deserve a goodbye? I let her take the first claim. But I lingered all the same. Because I knew I might never see you again.
And just like that, it was over.
And I know this is all silly. I know I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I know that you were only playing with me. I know that I'm only making the most out of this one time I got to feel something. Because, you know, it has been a while. I'm being silly as fuck but I can't help how I feel.
***
The next day, on my way home, I heard this song on the radio:
"I didn't know I was looking for love until I found you..."
And for the first time, I was able to relate to that song.
