A Reason for Religion

It was a beautiful day at the Manila Memorial Park in Dasma. The sky was of a very clear blue, and the clouds, seeming so near in that relatively high area, were moving in a dreamlike quality, obscuring the noon sun once in a while as huge shadows passed over us now and then. It was a beautiful day for mourning. A beautiful day for one last remembrance. A perfect setting for moving on.

Rotating sprinklers fountained the green uneven land where the dead lay with a fine sheet of water. The sun was intense on my head and on the back of my neck, but a strong wind was blowing so I didn't mind much being out of the shade. I was looking away from the people, and with the park empty, I had an unhindered view of the countryside - country, if only compared to Manila where I stayed my whole life. For that view, any amount of sun is worth it.

In my previous entry, I thought that I wasn't a family person. But I realized that I really am, more than my other relatives in fact. Someone's life has ended. Someone who helped me go through college. Someone who helped my family survive during our periods of hunger. I thought of my dead grandfather as I looked at the sky and the clouds.

It is appalling how my other relatives thought more on the food after the funeral than on the funeral itself. The food wasn't even that great - sandwiches and cupcakes - but they were wolfing it down with zest. They were even having fun, sitting down on the grass like it was a picnic. The immediate relatives of my dead grandfather were of course, subdued while they ate. Talking quietly and looking at the now buried rectangular hole in the ground often.

I wondered about how they felt hearing the happy voices around them, the normal murmur of talk. How they felt about seeing their relatives continue their normal lives as if the occasion wasn't for mourning. Perhaps, my other relatives didn't feel keenly the loss of a distant grandfather. Perhaps. But for my distant aunts and uncles, they have lost a father. My distant grandmother has lost a husband. Yet my other relatives ate the sandwiches and drank the juice merrily. Appalling.

I looked away from all of them to the sky and to the good view, standing under the glare of the sun on a spot a few feet away from the makeshift tent. I had my sandwich in my hand, eating mechanically even if I did not feel like eating lest my other relatives scold me for being aloof again. I ate the sandwich, just so they wouldn't notice how removed I was from them.

I thought on death as the strong wind blew in short strong gusts I had to adjust my footing to avoid stumbling from it. How soon before it was my turn to sit on the chair near the freshly-turned earth? How soon before it was my turn to grieve?

I tried to think on my grandfather during the wake and while the coffin was being lowered. My eyes watered but I shed no tear. He was a loss, from the good things that I hear from my Mom he has done, but I really didn't know him very well. We've only met about three times, and had only talked to him at length once.

So I just sympathized with my distant relatives as they cried while white flowers were being thrown over the lowered coffin. How painful is it to see your parent inside that coffin not to hear him talk again? Not to see him laugh or smile again? Not to feel his presence again? How about my grandmother? How will she be able to bear losing the person she has spent most of her years with? A fleeting vision of Yummy in that coffin appeared in my mind and I almost cried right then. We've only been two months together and it already hurts that much. What more for years, decades of companionship? How will I be able to bear that?

My Mom was crying quietly in a corner. She knew my dead grandfather well. I remembered what she told me during the wake as we stood over the coffin, looking at his face one last time before the funeral. "Nagkita na sila ng lola mo (her mom)..."

A weak smile was my only reply, given my personal beliefs in heaven and religion, but I realized something big about humanity. I may be wrong, but right then I thought that people need to believe in a religion. People need to believe in heaven, in something that will ensure that all the bonds broken in death will be remade in another place. A better place where they will be together forever.

People pray because when they die, they want to be with their loved ones again. People try to live according to a religion's rules to ensure that they will go to that promised place. People don't want their existence to end.

But what if they were wrong? As a man of science, a part of me believes that there really is no God. That humanity is simply making out something to make their lives more meaningful. To make each of them feel important and special. Something above animals and other living things whose deaths are final. A dead plant is dead. A dead animal is dead. There is no heaven for bacteria. Why should there be one for humans?

At this point perhaps some of you will object or be indignant. You will say that of course, we are different from animals. It is that feeling of superiority I'm talking about. Nobody will liken themselves to animals, much less bacteria.

It is our very nature which demands a religion. Because of our natural feelings with other human beings, religions need to exist. Science has to be kept quiet whenever discoveries disprove what was written in the Bible (do not forget Copernicus) for religion's sake. We make excuses whenever our religious dogmas prove untrue, saying that there are different interpretations to its meaning. Everybody defends their religion because if religion fails, everybody will go crazy. With the absence of rules, people will harm each other and will fall on the brink of extinction.

As I've said, I might be wrong. I'm very sure I'm not the first one to think of these ideas. Profound thoughts are not made in Friendster blogs anyway. I might just have made an enemy out of you, or I might have confused you of your beliefs.

I believe in the need for religion. I believe that the good things it can bring out of us (e.g. Christmas) outweighs the fact that all of it might be untrue or make-believe. But I wonder how I can make myself believe in God again with these thoughts in my head. An empty faith will probably be the best that I could have.

Back to the funeral, maybe my other relatives were allowing themselves to have fun because they believe that the dead is in heaven at last so why feel sad and mourn? Or maybe it's simply their human nature which prevailed right then - to eat, and to survive.

GF2BF

This holiday season, I realized that I'm almost always absent during family gatherings the past few years. I don't know why I have such low family feeling. I'd rather stay at home alone than mingle with my cousins and my other older relatives. Somehow, I've made myself an outcast - and I'm willing to make it last that way.

I can count with my fingers the few relatives that I tolerate being with. Some cousins, two or three aunts. They're the ones who like to go out with me on gimiks. Those who aren't square nor jologs (forgive me). It's like the connection that I used to have with most of my relatives was lost when I came to UP. It's true you know - UP does change people.

I know it's wrong, but something within me makes me feel this way. I have an idea that they, too, dislike me because I am not sociable with them. I don't talk to them unless they talk to me first. I keep aloof, talking to a select few who have the same wavelength as I do. It's just the same with how I treat my friends. If some people are quite unlike me, then I avoid being with them.

At present, I'm actually in a computer shop near the funeral homes where my dead grandma's brother lies. I'm here because my mom wanted me to accompany her since she'll be staying here all night until morning when the funeral will take place. Some of my relatives are here as well.

I even got in trouble the moment we arrived because I ignored one of my distant younger uncles while greeting my other relatives around him. Well, I was closer to my other cousins who were there, so did he expect me to hug him or make beso-beso? I hardly even know him. He was quite drunk, and his dad was the one who died after all, so his anger and contempt for me was understandable.

But what irritates me more is how my cousins continually ask for my girlfriend. Why are they so persistent? I've said we've broken up, and that's that. But I couldn't say that I've replaced her with a boyfriend though! Haha. I know, reader, I'm brave when I'm confronting my friends or peers but confessing to your distant relatives is another matter.

I have no desire of illuminating them at present because I cannot see any positive effect coming from "coming out" to them. A majority (if not all) of my relatives disagree on same-sex relationships, and none of my cousins are gay (although I'm quite sure on one or two but they haven't quite come out yet). I've mentioned that my relatives are proud of me for being in UP, graduating with honors, and being an instructor, (really, I can feel the spotlight) but if I add being bisexual to that, will that outweigh the others?

My younger cousins, who are probably sick of their parents pointing me to them as a role model, will look down on me once they learn of my sexuality. At their young age, they will follow what their elders think since they cannot yet understand "freedom" or "self-expression". They will not understand that sexuality is not chosen, or better put, they will not understand anything sensible at all. I want to be their role model, and to maintain that I have to keep mum about my sexual issues for the meantime.

Maybe that's the reason I am avoiding my other relatives after all.

***

On a lighter note, today is Cookie and me's SECOND MONTHSARY! Yahoo! Our plans for today (after the funeral, mind) are simple but sweet. HHWW PSSP along <toot>! Hahaha...

Oh by the way, Cookie will have a new more intriguing code name in my blog. From now on, I will call him Yummy.

Reader, I'm actually quite confused whether I'd still continue talking about us. I gave my stand on keeping our relationship quiet (yuck feeling artista talaga) but Yummy does like to read my entries about him... So I dunno. Bahala na. Basta mamaya makikita ko na ulit si Yummy! Hihihi...

To Try

It was a cool night as I was walking back home on the brightly-lit streets of Belisario Subdivision. I was wearing my new jacket, and I took the coldness of the night as an excuse to wear it although I've only been to Select (a few blocks away) to buy some snacks. I knew it will be another long and sleepless night for me because my sleeping pattern still has not adjusted to normality. I still sleep around 6 or 5 in the morning, and I wake up around 3pm.

My Mom wanted to come with me because she wanted to "protect" me from the thugs who make tambay on the street corners. It still feels weird but I've gotten used to being pampered when I'm at home. My parents probably still aren't used to my so-called independence. They still want to take care of me like how they used to, and at times, I feel like I'm royalty when I'm at home. When I say I want this, they buy it. When I want something done, they do it immediately. They fuss over me too much, anticipating my needs.

I was (and still am) a spoiled child. I never do chores at home. I spend my free time reading, listening to music, playing video games, doing useless stuff (like my countdown) while they fetch water (the water tank in our area got busted), run the store, wash the dishes, and clean the house.

I don't think I deserve their treatment though, but I let them because laziness is in my nature. They've always known that my strength doesn't lie in manual labor, so they consult me when dealing with stuff other than that. I help them in the store - how to properly put prices on items, or when they're asking advice about what organ ails when this or that part of their bodies ache. Sounds like a lot, right?

Anyway, I wasn't supposed to be talking about that. I was about to talk about that cold night I was walking home with my Mom. We were talking, and I told her about the gift I just bought for my boyfriend. I was trying to know how she feels after almost three months of knowing about him. Usually, when I put in his name in the conversation, she keeps quiet and puts on a hunted look on her. Her face becomes sharper, probably wondering if my dad or the neighbors can hear what I'm talking about, and her lips become thin, as though she is on the point of scolding me.

But I couldn't see her face right then as we were walking on the street. Chiyo's name came up (I can't remember how) and I went on about the changes that has come upon us. I told my Mom that Chiyo's planning to buy a car and is currently engrossed in her business, while I was being financially stagnant. At least, I told my Mom, I'm not sad either. She's found happiness in work while I've found it in my new love.

"You've got a long way to go," she began. And she went on talking about relationships. I've heard it all before in our drunken conversations but that night, the gist of what she was talking about finally got through my head - relationships do not last, but your career does. I wasn't sure if she was referring to Chiyo or Cookie though.

When we got home, she even went to seeing the gift properly wrapped up. She didn't say much on it though, even as she was pulling the price tags off the pair of jeans that was my gift. She was unusually quiet as she folded it and put it inside the paper bag. And as I was looking somewhere else to avoid seeing her blank expression, I knew that she was still uncomfortable about her son having a relationship with another guy.

But I also know that she is trying to accept it. She is trying to accept me for who I really am. My Mom is a tough one. If people tell me that I'm strong, I owe it all to her. She went on taking care of my brother despite his going crazy. She saved us from starvation when Dad's business started to fail. She never gave up when my Dad had a stroke and wasn't able to walk nor move properly for weeks.

Blow after blow she stayed strong and kept our family whole and happy. And she won't give up either on understanding that her eldest son, her only hope of having grandchildren, is turning gay after all.

I'll never forget that time when I visited my sick aunt at the hospital - when my aunt asked about my girlfriend, my love life in general. I told her that I've broken up with my girlfriend (which was true enough). The inquiry would have turned out to be okay since I was confident that I could handle it well, but I saw my Mom, who was sitting on the bed, sink slowly to herself as the interrogation went on. She bowed her head as if she was being humiliated right then...

That was probably one of my saddest moments ever. To realize that for the first time in my life, I failed to bring my Mom the honor she deserves.

But my Mom is trying. I am trying. And someday, she'll be as proud of who I turned out to be, as she was of who she wanted me to be.

In This Deep

The problem with being a teacher is that a lot of people begin to know who you are - mostly your past students, or those students you do not know personally but who know you.

It feels great at times like when you're walking around in UP and almost always you'll encounter someone you know and they will always say "Hi!", but how about when you're drunk or when you're fooling around in public places? What's worse is that you're not really sure whether you were identified or not as a supposedly respectable instructor of the most revered University of the Philippines Diliman. So it's like you have to be on your guard at all times.

What I actually want to talk about is Cookie's exposure to the world. Ha! As if Cookie is not as famous as I am. Well... he's really not. Hehe. I'm not really very concerned about my students seeing us together (I've done far more scandalous things through this blog.) I just want to keep him away from the spotlight. I don't want him to be gossiped about. Ang feeling ko talaga. Ano ako artista?

After all the fame that I've accumulated the past year, this time I want to keep things quiet. I've had enough of gossiping. Like what Cookie told me, I want to settle down... temporarily.

Temporarily... That word hits my heart. Makes me shiver. Makes my eyes shine with wetness. No matter how small our chances are of making it through the end, that you are really "the one", baby, some things just do not bear talking about. No matter how logical you have explained it to me. No matter how clear you've presented my options, some things just can't bear being said without me getting hurt.

Anyway, all that was said days ago. Now, I'm just missing my baby. I miss sensing his presence when we're in the same room. You don't want me to feel sad I know, but when you're in this deep like me, you will not be able to help feeling this way.

4 in the Morning

I usually do not post song lyrics as blog entries, but I'll make this one an exception. This is currently my favorite song and it came from Gwen Stefani's latest album, "The Sweet Escape". I have a thirst for unreleased songs and if ever this becomes a hit in the future, the credit should go to me. (Hehe)

Actually, I cannot find the right words to say. That's why I'm taking the song's lyrics as an excuse to post something. There are bloggable things going on in my head, and sometimes at night they appear clearly, but when I try to put them into words now, I lose them. I cannot express them well, so perhaps I should just let the lyrics speak by itself. I believe you won't be bothered reading the whole entry anyway since you do not know the song. This post is made simply for my remembrance.

Waking up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had it’s say
I guess I feel alright

But it hurts when I think, when I let it sink in
It’s all over me
I know you’re here, in the dark
I’m watchin you sleep, it hurts a lot

And all I know is you’ve got to give me everything
And nothing less 'cause you know I’d give you all of me
I’m giving you everything that I am
I’m handin over everything that I’ve got
'Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don’t ever wanna have to go and give you up
Stay up till four in the morning and the tears are pouring
And I wanna make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we’re gonna do it come and do it right

All I wanted was to know I'm safe
Don’t wanna lose the love I found
Remember when you said that you would change
Don’t let me down

It’s not fair, how you are
I can’t be complete, can you give me more?

And all I know is you’ve got to give me everything
And nothing less 'cause you know I’d give you all of me
I’m giving you everything that I am
I’m handin over everything that I’ve got
'Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don’t ever wanna have to go and give you up
Stay up till four in the morning and the tears are pouring
And I wanna make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we’re gonna do it come and do it right

Oh please, you know what I need
Save all your lovin for me
We can’t escape the love
With everything that you have

And all I know is you’ve got to give me everything
And nothing less 'cause you know I’d give you all of me
I’m giving you everything that I am
I’m handin over everything that I’ve got
'Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don’t ever wanna have to go and give you up
Stay up till four in the morning and the tears are pouring
And I wanna make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we’re gonna do it come and do it right

Give you all of me
Give you everything

Hunk 3

My three months at the gym, were in the end, unsuccessful. I shrunk to my original size because of inanition these past few days - damn my diurnal sleeping pattern. One rice meal a day, not counting skipping meals because of laziness. Well, you can't really blame me if you wake up at 3 in the afternoon and decide that you're going to eat snacks instead of a real lunch since it's too late.

And you can't also blame me for skipping dinner during those insomnia days (like today) when I don't get any sleep despite lying in my bed the whole 6 hours from midnight til dawn. My eyes closed, but my mind refusing to cooperate and let me rest for good. It is a ridiculous waste of time - lying on my bed doing nothing. So I end up sleepy the whole day when I'm at work, and after my MS class, I go straight to my bed because of tiredness, and my dinner can go to the feral cats in the alley for all I care.

So there. The little weight I've gained the past weeks (and I did gain, mind you) evaporated like methanol under the hood. If I were to weigh myself now, I'm afraid I might be even lighter than before I started going to the gym.

But my gym trip wasn't completely useless. I know my body, and I believe I did gain some muscles (though you might need a microcaliper to measure them). I gained some calluses on my palms because of lifting, pulling, pushing weights, and all in all, it was a fun experience.

However, I do declare that it's unfair how the other guys in there who were considerably thicker than me to lift weights lighter than I do! Shame on them! I give lifting weights, especially the chest press and the shoulder press, my all! Lifting almost half my weight in those gigantic torture machines while they sweat out on barely a fourth of theirs! Sissies.

My only strength, I think is the ab machine because there I do better than those who are heavier than me. Oh, and I also do well on the leg press, leg curl, etc. My legs are not weak, it's my upper body which needs strength development. And shape, I have to admit.

Well, gone are the days dreaming that I'd be a hunk someday. It's hard going to the gym continually. You really have to be motivated. And my body is just not built like some other guys who are born with at least a modicum of muscularity. It's unfair. I have to start from almost zero... And I have to eat a lot just to gain a few pounds. Well, as I've said, I cannot have it all... All my muscles are in my brain I guess. And in my heart. And in... Ha! Never mind.

The thing is, really, there are some things I just can't control (like my zits for example). It isn't that I'm doing nothing about it, but I can only do so much because my genes command me to be skinny, pimply, whatever. Blast it! It is so unfair! I know I can be good-looking if only I could do something about those two! Aaaargh!

Well, I'm not really complaining though. I have a brilliant mind and an ego enough for three people. That should be more than enough compensation for what I lack in the Looks division. And I'd rather be ugly than dumb.

At least, my ugliness is temporary. Once I get enough money, I'll have personal advisers on my diet and hygiene, I'll be the bomb in no time at all. And what's more, I get to appreciate my looks because it's something that I have lost while others take theirs for granted.

Enough about vanity. Beauty fades anyway, but still, everyone tries to be as beautiful as they can be. I may not be a hunk, but I can be a punk. Or a humbug. Haha.

Success

Graduation done, and everybody's off to different directions. The competitiveness of the undergrad years still remains in some of my batchmates. They want to know who's above whom. Who leads the batch. Who's way up there. Who's way nowhere. You, where are you now? Up the ladder, or down it? Are you even with us?

Everybody's talking about their future. Their plans. Everybody is boasting about their dreams, their prospects. Their fame and fortune, supposedly. Everybody wants to say I've been here, I've been there. I'm going to continue my studying, my work way over there. The States, Japan, Europe. Australia, the UK, Canada. Here? I'm not going to stay here. Nobody stays here. They say they want to be like Dr This or Dr That, graduates from the University of Richville, not in the Philippines.

Am I one of them?

My short-term plan includes finishing my MS here in UP while teaching. I'm not giving up teaching. NO way. I'm having so much fun. But sometimes, I do feel the need to go out of my comfort zone. I should go out there. Out of the country, I mean. I won't learn much if I stay within UP's nonexistent walls my whole life.

So, will I go out there? Yes. But hopefully, not too soon. Where? I don't know. Honestly, I don't have real plans about that yet. My view of my future ends one year from now.

I should be afraid of that. Successful people are said to be long-term planners. They see where and what they will be ten years from now. Even twenty. I'm not like that. So does it mean I will not be successful like them? Why don't I have their drive? Why am I not pushing myself to work like a cart-horse while I'm still young?

I've been a rebel since I went through Chemsoc. I find a unique pleasure in not following what the good life, what society wants me to do. But that doesn't mean that I'm growing stagnant after my two years of working as an instructor.

Being an instructor is an easy job. And I am thankful for that not because it fits my lazy and carefree attitude but because it has given me time to think about myself. I've worked so hard during  my high school and college years - my acads robbed me of time I should have devoted in discovering my sexuality, my personality. Being a teacher gave me the chance to do that and yet earn some money to sustain myself while I'm on this so called threshold of real life. Life as a mature individual, not as a student.

I'm thinking about this now because I've reached a point in my life where I am emotionally stable. I don't feel suicidal anymore. I don't feel melancholic. Somehow, through all the months that I've suffered, the Wheel has finally turned and now I'm in the relative "top".

Right now, honestly, I feel content. My love life is doing well. I've finally ditched Hunter out of my life. Personally, I can feel my growth. I'm improving. More mature than who I was. I'm doing well being an instructor. Financially, I have to be thankful for the Christmas bonus. Aesthetically, (hmmm) I'm doing what I can about that. Socially, I still have my friends and I'm gaining more.

I know that there is still room for improvement. I can earn more by doing other jobs. I can achieve higher grades in my MS if I only apply myself. But that isn't my focus in life right now. My goal is personal discovery, and I've done that already. That is why I feel content.

Now to set the next goal - what am I looking for next? That is what Dusk at Red Island will be about. I've opened the next phase of my life. I can finally move on to other things. Things I have in common with normal people.

But let's go back to my original question - where am I now, leading or lagging behind? My answer is neither. Me and my batchmates have entered a new phase, too. Each on our own paths we chose, and we cannot say whether one is successful or not by comparing his/her performance with others. Real life doesn't give marks to show whether you have done well or not.

Success is relative. Only I can say whether I've done well or not. So what if I have no concrete plans yet? Plans are nice to have, the grander the better. But in the end, do they really mean anything if you're not doing something about it?

Real life, for me, is beyond money. Beyond accomplishments. It's how you live it that really matters. I'm just thankful that somehow, despite the things that I lack, I am able to find contentment in this rollercoaster life that I have.

One Click

"Wait, let me see..."

A sudden feeling of anxiety coursed through me as I clicked my friends list here in Friendster. I was about to find out something, and a consequence of that might be what I've been dreading and yet hoping for this past few months. LE, sitting beside me in front of the rightmost computer in the faculty room, was waiting, curious at my expression.

Six feet under, under my skin/ there's a battle I know I cant win/ you invade me, and I surrender/ yeah, that's what I hate about you/

My friends list shortly appeared on the screen. I immediately clicked page 3 - where his name will appear.

Six feet under
Into the blue
Left of the middle
What can I do?

There... I found his name, and with it, his picture. He was in a yellow shirt (probably the same shirt he was wearing when I saw him in that Ikot jeepney) surrounded by his friends. Looking harmless, smiling in that ineffaceable smile. There, I found what I was looking for - last log-in: 4 days. I took a deep breath and decided to enlighten LE.

Oh those memories.. Those days. Theyre gone. Taken from me. Never will they happen again. They dont matter to <runner>. No. They dont matter. <Runner> wants to leave them behind. Leave me behind. When Ive done nothing wrong but.. be myself.

I sent him an email a month ago, asking him if he could forgive me. Asking him, even pleading, for him to move on and be friends with me again. That was all I was asking him. I've been checking his friendster box just to see when he last went online so that I could know whether he was able to read my message. Last log-in: 4 days. And yet no reply. He never replied since he told me goodbye. That was last year. Vague, unformed thoughts finally solidified in my head.

"I'm going to delete him as my friend," I said decisively.

Despite my control on myself, not minding the other people waiting, I shed a tear, right there on the sidewalk. "For the things I do not fully understand," I said, smiling, as I wiped my face with my hankie.


But I hesitated. My hands leaving the mouse for a few seconds. LE was taken aback by my announcement, and yet somehow, she expected that I would do it sooner or later.


"Well, what are you waiting for? Do it!" she commanded me.


"But..." I hesitated.


If I were you, I would restore our friendship. Or perhaps not. Since after all you have put me through all this time without your knowledge I came to the conclusion that you are unworthy of what I feel. That you are a bad person, no matter what you say. That you are simply NOT WORTH IT.


"But... I don't know how to delete a friend," I answered weakly.


LE was perplexed. She didn't know either.


"It should be here somewhere," I said. Searching the whole page. "Perhaps I should check his profile? No."


LE raised her eyebrows. "Why not?"


"He would know I checked his profile," I answered.


The past few days after it happened, I tried to know why he wanted to leave everything behind. Why one small thing suddenly turned out to be this huge issue that severing of ties was his only way of dealing with it. Everybody, I think, if placed in my position, will be hurt by that. And all this time, I unknowingly pretended to be searching for the answer when all along I was simply wallowing in my stupid and baseless pain.


"So what? Come on Bry. Do it. Now!"


Scared silly, I clicked on his name and his profile appeared on the screen. He'll know I viewed his profile, and perhaps he'll realize that he lost a friend. I didn't browse through his profile. Nothing has changed in there. Do it now! My mind was reiterating what LE said. Do it fast!


The evil part of my mind suddenly came up with an evil plan. LE was getting impatient.


"You're not going to do it..." LE sighed.


"I am. But first, I'm going to delete the testimonial I made him."


"It's written in our boarding house. It's written near the door..."


I quickly pored over his few testimonials from his friends. A lot of them were quite meaningless. LE pointed out one saying "gwapo, gwapo..." a number of times.


There, I found my picture, my name, and the testimonial I made him shortly after everything exploded that fateful October 4. Funny, how he still approved it in spite of his later reactions. Not bothering to read it again, I quickly clicked on that tiny word - Delete.


Our heads moved closer. I can see him close. Too close... and then there was nothing. Just me typing here on this keyboard. Just me, with the blinking mouse. Me in front of the screen. Just me. No him. Never him. So will you stop making a fool of yourself, Bry? You're embarrassing.


"I want to read it!" LE cried but she was too late. A confirmation of my action already appeared on the screen. I didn't want her to read it anyway. It will be too embarrassing for me, even if it was LE.


I went back to his profile box and no "Delete friend" command was written in there.


"I know it's doable. You can delete a friend." I reassured LE.


"Maybe they've changed the rule?" LE suggested.


I clicked back to my friends list and found on the upper right corner of the screen - Help. On the space provided, I keyed in "delete friend."


Sobs were suddenly ripped from the Count's chest. One. Two. Three sobs. Faster. And still faster. He wasn't able to stop them from coming. He didn't want to show this in front of the hunter, but he cannot do anything. He was... he was being ripped... apart.


"You know what," he choked through his sobs. "What's harder than you not... not loving me back?" The Count paused, and he cried some more. "What's harder is that... is that... I can't even show you how much I love you!" And he totally broke down.


A list of items appeared and I clicked on "Deleting/Removing a friend." The answer was helpful, yet ironically blunt.


"You can delete a friend," the instruction said. "From your home page, click on “My Friends.” Click on the white "X" in the top right corner of the box that contains the photo of the friend you wish to delete."


Even in my dreams, you're cold. You're angry. You ignore me. But even so, that's enough for me, because you've taken our friendship away. You've taken away the only thing I can cherish about us besides love. Now I'm left with scraps. No not even. I must accept the truth. I'm left with NOTHING. I'm just reliving my memories. Every minute spent with you. Every small thing I can associate with you. That's all you've left me with.


"You're not going to do it!" LE kept on nagging. I didn't answer her. I went back through my friends list and moved the cursor towards his box, spotting the X mark described by the instruction.


I will understand. I will always try to understand what you do even if I know that it is a hopeless thing because even if I've tried to deny it to myself, you'll always be very special to me.


A microsecond of uncertainty. Am I sure? Is this the right thing to do? The cursor hovered over the X mark.


I'm saying all this now
Because all good things come to an end
And when this feeling finally subsides
I can say that I have done my very best
To show you what I feel for you


My thoughts were suddenly cleared. This is the way, I told myself. He doesn't want to be my friend anyway. If he doesn't care, why should I care? Does he matter that much to me?


Basta bilisan mo na lang humanap ng (aaah eh secret pala) para matigil na ang pag-iisip mo sa kanya. Kung wala lang friendster no? Pero hindi mo naman siya kayang i-delete friend e. Masokista! Weakling! Alipin ng pag-ibig!


Does he matter much to me now when I have Cookie? Cookie, who understands me the way he didn't? Cookie, who gave me a chance to show him how much I care for him? Cookie, who saw through me? Cookie, who loves me the way he didn't?!


"Click"


Balang-araw makakamove-on din ako sa iyo. Balang-araw makakahanap din ako ng iba na magmamahal sa akin. Darating din ang araw kung kailan hindi na iikot ang mundo ko sa iyo. Pero hanggang doon, lalabanan ko pa rin ang walang basehang damdamin ko na kahit ano mang powers ng utak ko ang gamitin ko ay hindi ko pa rin lubusang maintindihan.


"Do you really want to delete this friend?" Friendster asked me.


"Yes," I clicked without hesitation.


It was the 9th of September 2005. The days of this class are numbered. Sir Bry felt like crying. He looked at his students, lingering on the one he has been eyeing for a while, but that student was busy filling a test tube with reagent and didn't notice his wet eyes. "I was simply interpreting what he does to mean what I want them to mean," he thought. "I'm being assuming."


"There," I gave out a long breath. "It's done, LE"


"I'm proud of you, my friend," she beamed at me.


After logging out of Friendster, I went back to my cubicle. I felt different. I'm finally moving on, I told myself. Way to go, Bry.


And yet... Sometimes I feel like doing what you did when you saw me. Ignore, walk away, hasten your steps, and run. Run! Run like your running for your life! Run like Im a monster. I want to run! I want to get away from this. I want to know how it feels to escape and free myself of... you.


Now I finally know how truly escaping from him feels. I took my fone from my pocket to tell Cookie what I just did.


Note:
This entry contains excerpts from some of my previous entries.

The End of One Tree House

There's something quite different about Sundays. There's something special about the brightness of the sun, and the sky. Things look a bit brighter than they normally are on Sundays. A lot of people go outside, walking around in their church clothes. It's the day when families go to visit their relatives. There's an easily identifiable but muted festive feeling in the air such that if I had no way of telling what day of the week it was, I will still be able to tell whether it was Sunday just by going out and looking at my surroundings.

Saturdays are different than Sundays. Saturdays are more informal, more unexpected. Almost like an ordinary weekday but with a lot of people out having fun. There's nothing different about the sun, or the sky though. Just a lot of people out, that's all.

Of the weekdays, Mondays are the worst. When Monday morning comes, people are irritable and they already feel stressed, imagining the long road ahead til the next weekend. They're probably asking themselves where their free days have gone to.

Tuesdays are like Thursdays. Bland and innocent. While Wednesdays mark the middle of the week. The half-way mark. Half-done, half-undone. Well, of course for UP students, Wednesdays are refreshers. A much needed break during the week-long toil of study.

Fridays are the best, and Friday nights the bestest. There's something different about Fridays too. It's an ordinary weekday, but it's the last, so you can go out and have some fun after work or school. And then suddenly, it hit me. Why am I talking about such frivolous things? Why am I writing like a high school student doing my assignment?

That's just a front. I'm becoming too popular these days. I thought perhaps if I began by talking about a shallow topic such as "Sundays" then the gossipmongers wouldn't be interested to read further.

One Tree House is coming to an end - that phase of the blog, but not the blog itself. The overly-emotional, suicidal, melancholic Bryan is dead, at least for the time being. I won't be letting out any shitty stuff for now. I'm thinking of a new title for my blog. Something which would fit the mode I am in now.

I've lost my writing skills. I need an inspiration for me to write, usually some... I dunno. Bad feeling? See, I'm not making sense anymore. With the loss of those negative energies, so did the will to let things out through this blog.

You know what actually stops me from writing too much? It's my students. Yeah... As of now, already 4 of my current students have invited me to be their friend and I can't do anything but accept their invitations. I wanted this sem to be different. A quiet sem, where I would return to  be the nobody that I used to be. It's the sem to avoid scandal and gossip. I'm content with what I have now, I don't need more attention. I've had enough...

Anyway, back to closing "One Tree House", I don't think I can easily let go of this blog completely. You may snigger, but, this blog has really been a big part of my life. It has become my routine whenever I log in to check my blog for comments or to look for messages about this blog. My friendster account is made livelier, and my presence in friendster is more noticed all thanks to the popularity of my blog. Whenever I'm not online and a bloggable idea suddenly comes to my head, I take a mental note of it so that I can write about it the soonest time I can lay my hands on a keyboard.

I'm going to continue writing, but One Tree House has come to an end. No more drama. At least, for the present.

Sir

Here he comes in his long-sleeved lab gown, traces of sleepy cobwebs still on his eyes. It was an early class, but he was the teacher. He should've set an example for us. Still, it's not like he's always late. And I don't always arrive on time either. So it's not really his fault. But still...

He speaks to us, asking us how we spent our free days. He tries to act gruffly but most of us really see through this weak facade. I wonder why he tries to act like he's not soft. The way he talks, walks. The way he addresses me. I think he's gay despite some of the stories he told us last meeting. And on the meeting when I was absent. Was that on purpose? He's putting a show for us. But I know better. I know more about him than my classmates think.

Now, he's asking us to submit our prelabs. And as usual, inserts a joke when he can. He's actually quite funny. And I laugh heartily because I think they are funny. I don't laugh just because he can see me appreciate his jokes.

I hand him my prelab. And as usual, he doesn't look at me too much where my classmates can see. Once during an experiment, I tried smiling at him too openly, giving him my toothiest smile but I wasn't able to read his face. He showed neither thrill nor distaste for what I did. He simply looked at me. What if I touch his hand while he was giving me back my lab notebook. Will I finally get confirmation?

But I was too late. I thought too slowly. He was already checking the next notebook. Next time, perhaps, I will be able to do what I need to do.

He starts discussing the lesson as I was sitting on an ungainly laboratory stool. It amuses me to watch him. He teaches well because he's not boring. He stutters now and then, and he makes elaborate hand gestures when he's feeling quite emphatic with the topic. Aside from that, I like to watch the ever-changing topography of his face. There was never a meeting when he doesn't sprout new pimples. Well, "sprout" is the term. One of us actually thinks he's good-looking and I laughed inside. Well.. maybe when he was younger, but definitely not now.

I look at him occasionally, just to show him that I am listening to his discussion. I like to humor him, play his teacher's pet, and I have this very strong feeling he misinterprets it. Once, when I raised my hand to recite, he blushed as he called me, had to turn his back on us and pretend to write something on the blackboard. That was quite a foolish thing to do then, since the question needed no equations, but there was really no way to hide his crimson face except to go out of the room.

That's why I feel no fear for him. When I enter his classroom, I feel like I own the place. My classmates obey him, but he obeys me. Just one request, let's say... a longer time to answer the quiz, and he would immediately give in. Stuttering and trying to act unflustered. I will smile secretly at my power over him. Secretly, mind. I also keep my mouth shut because it will also be my downfall once my classmates get wind of what happens between us at night. My name, my almost-godly name, will be tarnished by this scandal.

He hands us the locker keys and directs the monitors. I picked up the keys first and bent over our locker to open it. I realized I didn't understand a thing he said because I wasn't paying attention. But I don't worry. Not in this class. I can easily ask him to discuss that to me again. In private, probably.

As I was putting the glassware we would need for the experiment on the tabletop, I looked at him . I looked at the teacher who I think was falling in love with me. I looked at my lab teacher, too young to let himself get caught up with me. What was with him? Doesn't he know that I can never reciprocate? Not because he's not lovable, but because I don't want to ruin what we have. Despite his shortcomings, I really look up to him. He's the friendliest teacher I ever had. I'll never forget you, Sir Bry, so don't fall in love with me...

He catches me looking at him. I froze for a second, realizing that I've been looking at him for too long, and immediately looked elsewhere. My bad. He'll think I was looking at him because I'm in love with him as well. It won't be my fault if I play this game a bit longer. I'm quite sure he isn't brave enough to directly confront me with what I think he feels for me. I'm not brave enough either to face that. What a tangle that would be, especially in light of the stories he has told us.

Once, he was telling us about student-teacher relationships. That they had this meeting, and the new instructors were told that it was forbidden. And he looked me in the eye right then as he mouthed the word "forbidden" like it was meant for me. I keep unusually quiet whenever he's talking about his love life. I'm afraid he might mention me, or give allusions to me. Worse, he might ask me what I think about it.

And so I proceeded doing the experiment, with only half a mind on what I'm doing. Walking to the reagent area, I looked at him sideways and saw that he wasn't looking at me. He's careful with his actions. He won't do it. He won't open up, that's good. I can enjoy being chased a while longer. Or maybe he isn't in love with me after all.

***

It was the 9th of September 2005. The days of this class are numbered. Sir Bry felt like crying. He looked at his students, lingering on the one he has been eyeing for a while, but that student was busy filling a test tube with reagent and didn't notice his wet eyes. "I was simply interpreting what he does to mean what I want them to mean," he thought. "I'm being assuming."

He is a fool, but that of the worst kind. Because he is aware of his foolishness. He knows his chances were diminishingly small. It hurts him. But what hurts more is that even if it does, he still nourishes that stupid idea.

He walked to the reagent area, in the ruse of checking whether the students were handling the chemicals properly. But in truth, he wanted to be close to that student, just to get some confirmation about what's really happening between them. He saw that student smile for no reason while he was discussing the prelab. What was that for?

He stood near. Very near, but he got no reaction. The two of them are hiding their feelings well. "Or maybe he isn't in love with me after all," he thought.

Turning 22

I hate these days. These few remaining hours before my birthday comes. Normally, I would be excited since... well, it's my birthday. (I'm turning 22!) But I seem to take more notice of the days after my birthday. It will be one whole year til November 20 comes around again. A long wait.

My 20th birthday was special. We went on a trip to Lori's in Nueva Vizcaya. It was also her birthday, so we decided to celebrate it together (although I financially contributed nothing, I had no money.) Chie-chie made that birthday really memorable. The trip as it is was great - we had road trips, went to parks, looked at scenic mountains. The food was abundant since the place was dominated by hilly farms. I had a brief taste of how it was to live in the province.

Holding hands on the van, Chie-chie and I practically acted like we were in a relationship. It was like I was in heaven then. The foggy and cold air added to the illusion-like quality of our trip. My 20th birthday was dedicated to friendship.

My birthday last year was a bit more boring, although I still got a kiss on the forehead from (secret!), a Gwen Stefani drawing from the same person, and a surprise birthday cake from my favorite Chem16 class. I had a new fone (my Motorokr, which I would lose 3 weeks after) so I was also materialistically satisfied. I went home to my parents' that day. I bought some cake and ice cream for my own small party. My mom made some pancit and our family had a small celebration with my cousin Ate Giz and her boyfriend as the only guests.

I also bought two numeral candles on my Red Ribbon cake (2 and 1, which i excitedly placed on the cake), and Ate Giz volunteered to take a picture of me as I blew off the candles. I was probably too small to remember when I first did that, so it was kinda like a first. My cousin volunteered to take a picture of that moment, but she wasn't able to capture it the first time so I had to do it again. I stuffed myself with food. We laughed and talked, and ate more. It was my first birthday with me earning money so it felt a bit nice, eating food bought from money I earned. With my family near me, happy and content, I was able to forget the difficulties I was having with Hunter and Chiyo. My 21st birthday was dedicated to my family.

Which leads me to my 22nd birthday coming this Monday... Have I changed much through my college years? Did I become more mature? Wiser and more experienced with each additional year?

I am getting older... We are all getting older everyday. I'm just glad that I was able to catch up with some of my high school friends who, back then, was cruelly pushing me to grow up fast. And now, look at me! I was able to surpass everything that you've done! You didn't think I would survive UP Diliman, didn't you? Survive my identity crisis? I've done so much more. Went through so much more experiences. I've performed better, excelled in almost everything I've put my mind into - academic, social, political, sexual, fame, love. I can only laugh at those who used to belittle me since I've proven that I can be a better person than what they judged me to be.

My 22nd birthday hasn't come yet but I already know where I'm dedicating it to. I've celebrated it with friends, with family. This time I'm going to experience it with my baby. It will be Monster's birthday this Monday, but I've already received the best gift that I could ever have three weeks in advance.

My 22nd birthday is dedicated to love.

You

Rats scurried down the dark alley as I walked fast past them, moving further down the street. Somehow, my three consecutive exhausting days caused by sleepless nights have unhinged my brain - fooled it, such that I find myself staring at the ceiling, my body dead-tired yet my mind refusing to acknowledge my body's need of reviving itself. And here I am, past midnight, letting my thoughts flow through this keyboard, through this blog, in hopes that I can get what has been causing me to be an insomniac out of my system before it does more damage. My head is already beginning to throb.

What has been causing me to react in this weird manner? Could it be my erratic sleeping pattern? Could it be my smokes? Could it be Cookie? What is it?

I remember one particular night when I scared myself silly, thinking that I might already be going insane like my younger brother. I remember well before my brother started showing symptoms of his sickness. They were sleepless nights, trying to sleep beside my brother who, back then, was still quite normal. Quite.

I find myself now, searching through my thoughts. Trying to dig about something deeper. I realized after browsing my past entries that I have become a "shallower" writer since I've been with Cookie. Perhaps it's the lack of problems which causes to be anxious at night when I lay down on my bed. I am just not used to feeling so light, so worry-free.

One sleepless night, with the moon peeking through the newly-installed curtains of my window, I reflected on what my love life has become through the years.

First, there was Dolores way back in high school. She was my best friend... then. After three long years, we're finally friends again. We never became an item. And eventually, I also realized that we're better off as friends.

Then, Chie-Chie came. A whirlwind of emotions. It's hard for me to look back on what was us. It was so short-lived, it almost appears like it never happened. Even now, some of our friends even forget that there used to be a "we". I've hurt her, true, but it was for her own good that I broke up with her. I hope she understands that, especially now. Like with Dolores, we're still friends. Although she's quite out of reach at present. She has forgotten about us, I'm afraid, but I couldn't blame her.

Months passed before Chiyo came, and with her, my worst nightmare so far, Hunter. Loving the two of them at the same time. My heart shifting to the left and to the right every few weeks or so. Hunter is now dead in my heart. Although lately, I've been trying to extend the hand of friendship again just to make things between the two of us back to what it should have been, and only to realize later that it wouldn't have mattered whether we became friends again or not since clearly, I don't mean much to him. But as Cookie once told me, you never can have enough friends so perhaps it wouldn't do any harm if I did what I did.

Chiyo? Well, she's been very busy lately. And I admire her for what she has become now. It is a miracle that we're still friends despite everything that we've gone through together. I have confidence in her. She's a strong person. And I know that she wouldn't let a person like me get under her skin for too long.

Sometimes, I look back on what has been. Sometimes, when I look around at the apartment, I can still see the touches she has left before she went away. I feel sadness, true, because we've shared some really good times together. But hope is what I feel more for her now. I've tried my best to make us work when I had the chance, and I failed. Still, I'm sure that someday, she'll meet the right person, even if she is quite pessimistic about that the last time I seriously talked to her. Despite our past, I would probably be the happiest person on earth when she finds his Mr. Right. Aside from the two of them, of course.

And now, I have Cookie. And he made me feel things I've never felt before. I've never known the meaning of missing a person until he came. Never known the real meaning of love before him. Never met a person who gives me such happiness just by being there. Things about love I believed to be exaggerations or silliness before, with him, I realized and felt to be true. With everything that I've felt, I'm supposed to be very happy. And I am.

But there are times when being with Cookie also scares me. Because I'm putting too much at risk when I'm with him. He's really pointing a gun at my heart now. Once he pulls the trigger, I'm as good as dead.

I don't want to make this list of loved ones any longer. And I'll do what I can, give all the love in the world just to make us go through the bad times and still survive. It's nice to think of the future. Nice to dream of the things I'd like us to do together. But in truth, as with all relationships, no one knows.

I don't know whether I'm strong now, baby. All I'm sure of is that I'm stronger than who I used to be. All I know is that, whatever the future might bring, I'm just so happy. So happy that you are here now with me. So happy that you chose me of all the other people you know. I'm aware of what might happen in the future, but even so I don't really care much about it.

What matters to me more is... well... you. You're here, I'm here. No need to blog about it more.

Stand

The first day of enlistment was almost over. I was very tired. I went to bed straight away when I got back to the apartment. I wanted to take an indefinitely long nap before having dinner because my eyes already felt grainy, and it wasn't even 7pm. My registration duty wasn't the cause of my exhaustion though. It was my diurnal sembreak sleeping pattern.

However, I wasn't able to sleep right away even if my body was dead tired. And I ended up texting Cookie and Milky (the latter is a real name). Hunger drove me out of bed and out to KNL in search of dinner.

8pm was late, in my opinion, for my usual rice dinner so I went to buy some burgers instead. For you see, I was very tired to even use utensils to eat. As I was waiting for my burgers to be prepared, I saw April and Apple, both my Chem 28.1 students last sem, walking on the street. They approached me, and as usual with my past students, they stopped and talked to me for a bit. April even touched my arm and told me she missed me. They were all smiles, asking me how I was. Shortly, they left.

While eating a burger half-heartedly, I thought of inviting them over to my apartment to chat. I usually do not do that, though, but since I had nothing better to do, why not make friends with my students? They live nearby anyway. So I sent them a text message, and they replied that they would be pleased to come.

There they were, sitting on the carpet. At first we simply talked about acads (our common connection) and people we both know (their classmates, IC teachers, etc.) While we were talking about those, I was suddenly doubtful if I would be able to tell them all about me. First, because they were young. And second, they were deeply religious girls.

We talked about a lot of stuff. Apple was very talkative. There wasn't a single minute when she didn't say anything. She talked about her love life mostly. And April kept on putting a word now and then since she already knew most of Apple's stories.

It's amazing, what happened there with the three of us. As with all of my students, I was friendly with both. Even more with Apple since she became my student twice. But we really didn't know that much about each other. But when we shared our experiences, in love mostly, that's when we became really friends.

Our friendly discussion shifted to one of higher caliber. We then tackled aesthetics, dreams, weddings. But the magic really started when I opened up about my sexuality. About the hardships I endured because of that. My false hopes and all that negativity about bisexuality. From there, we talked about religion. How Catholics look down upon people of the third sex. About keeping faith no matter how difficult your problems become.

In light of this, I am going to make my stand about my sexuality. So what if it turned out that I'm gay after all? Does it make me any smaller, any weaker? Does it make me less respectable? Does it change anything you know about me?

If you answered yes to any of that, you are not really my friend. If you like to go with what the rest of narrow-minded Catholic-blinded society believes, then I don't want you here. My true friends will still love me the same, even if I'm gay.

You say that gays are not respectable? Well, it's because that is what you make yourself believe. Have I been disrespectful in any of my actions? Did I harrass anybody? In fact, I believe that I should be respected even more because I was brave enough to stop my pretense of heterosexuality. I was brave enough to go out and identify myself with a group that society still continues to discriminate.

I may have said this before, but as Darren Hayes sings in "Affirmation", I believe that you cannot choose your sexuality. If we were born this way, accept us. Keep your acid tongues from berating us because we are already denied of what makes life meaningful to most - marriage, and starting a family. We find the happiness that we can find in having relationships with the same sex. Do you have the heart to still take the only thing which makes us happy away from us? You are the ones who are harrassing us if you believe that way. And you still call yourselves religious, faithful, God-fearing? Are you even aware of the essence of what you're really preaching?

Do you believe that God made us like this so that He can banish us from His throne and so that we will live miserable lives here on Earth? Do you believe in a God who is that cruel? The Catholic religion is long gone from me because of that. I have faith, but I will follow it my own way. I will not be dictated by so-called pious people who think they have the holy rules, and should apply them with force and humiliation. Maybe you should open your minds people!

I am not ashamed of being this way. I live my life honestly. Why hide? It will only make people look down on you more. Face it. This is your life. This is who you are meant to be. Does it matter what they say? Those who will not accept you are not your real friends anyway. True friends stay. No matter what.

We do not live for society's approval. We live because we are looking for happiness. We live for love. If you love another man, or another woman, so be it. Love is love, no matter the sexuality. True love is sweet, real, and it will not go away because others disapprove. Break away from the norms. Be who you really are.

I also believe that things happen for a reason. If I wasn't looking at the street, I wouldn't have seen April and Apple. If April did not say that she missed me, I might not have invited them to come over. And if they didn't come over to chat, I wouldn't have been able to make this stand about the third sex people. I stand proud because I am proud of myself. It's not the sexuality which makes people agreeable, in my opinion. It's the character that counts.

What's more, I wouldn't have met this wonderful person who makes my world go 'round if I wasn't gay. I wouldn't have met Cookie, my boyfriend. When I think of him, all the hardships I've gone through (for proof, browse through this blog) are all worth it. More than worth it. Each battle has made me stronger, and made me who I am today. Proud, confident, ready to face anything. Ready to give my baby all the love I can give.

Things happen for a reason, baby. I didn't meet you until now because God wanted me to know myself first, to become a better person first before He is ready to present me to you.

I will not let others get in the way of our relationship. We will encounter problems, true, but I am glad that I will be facing them with you by my side. We've only just begun... (Haha alam ko sasabihin mo ang corny ko...) What matters is that we love each other. Right baby? Let's go!!

Finally

Q: Hi Mr. Blog Lord! How are you? Long time no blog.

A: Hi there Q. To say that I'm fine is an understatement. I've been spending my sembreak hibernating at my parents', that's why I wasn't able to write stuff in here.

Q: Wait... There is this certain sparkle in your eyes... Could it be that...?

A: Yes what is it?

Q: That you and...?

A: Yes?

Q: You and Cookie are...?

A: Yessss?

Q: Finally together?

A: YESSSSS!!!!!

Q: (gasps) Oh wow! That was unexpected...

A: Yeah, I didn't expect it either. But I guess even Cookie was helpless against my charms. (winks at Q)

Q: (pretends to vomit) uhhh... (makes retching noises)

A: Oh shadap! Don't ruin my moment!

Q: Umm okay... (wipes mouth with sleeve and laughs) How does it feel?

A: As of now, I'm still astounded. My thoughts are still scattered even if a week has already passed since Cookie said "yes" to me...

Q: I mean how does it feel being officially umm... gay?

A: Hmm... Well, I have to admit, I feel weird sometimes when I think of it. Cookie is my first boyfriend... so I guess that's normal. But the important thing is that I'm happy. I've never been happier in my life. That is simple fact.

Q: Is there a difference between having a girlfriend and having a boyfriend?

A: You are tactless. Of course there is but I will not elaborate on that here.

Q: Oh sorry... Just tell us how it happened.

A: Well... It was around 2 or 3 am in the morning. I was playing my PS. After that, I went to bed and found Cookie's message (I left my fone on my bed). I was shocked after reading the message. My eyes shot wide open. I was motionless for a few seconds.

Q: So how did you recover from that initial stone-like reaction?

A: I picked up my fone. All I was able to reply was "Oh my God!"

Q: That was so gay...

A: Well, he didn't reply. I supposed he fell back to sleep. Roughly an hour has passed before I read his message and was able to reply.

Q: And?

A: I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling, still shocked. I even considered waking my mom to tell her the good news. I convinced myself not to celebrate right then. His friends might be playing a prank on me, so with my emotions tamped down, I was able to fall asleep.

Q: What happened in the morning?

A: Cookie replied with "?!" and I sent another message asking for clarification. I didn't want to assume much. I wanted to be sure.

Q: What did he reply?

A: He said "Ayaw mo ba?" and then to my horror, it was followed quickly by another message saying, "Hey this is Cookie. You were communicating with my friend since last night."

Q: What? How horrible! What did you do?

A: As I've said, I have anticipated that blow, so I was able to handle it quite well. Just when I thought that I acted the fool for hoping too much, he sent me another message confirming what his friend told me earlier. "Pero hindi ko na babawiin ung sinabi nya. Bry.. it's a yes."

Q: Hurray! It's a happy ending after all. Wow that was quite a story... So what did you think finally made him decide to give you a shot?

A: I don't know. When I asked him, he said that we were already behaving as if we're in a relationship, so he told me that his answer was only for formality's sake.

Q: So far, how's it going?

A: I've been missing him a lot. Maybe I got used to the closeness I had with my ex. We haven't even met again since we became official. He was at Galera when he made sagot.

Q: I see...

A: It gets really hard sometimes, but as I've realized last night, I have to be strong. If he can do well without me, so can I.

Q: Does he miss you too?

A: He doesn't say. He's a lot sweeter to me now though. He admitted that he is a stoic.

Q: Oh... So what do you think will happen to the both of you in the future? Do you think it will last?

A: Nobody can say that. All I know is that Cookie is a wonderful person. He's like nobody I've ever met before. It sounds like cliche, but that is truth. Whether we are meant to be or not, I am very glad I'll be able to share a part of my life with him. He's really... different. He's deep. Too deep, in fact.

Q: When you say "deep" (blushes and giggles), you are not talking about...?

A: Ha ha ha. Very funny.

Q: Last question, what is your biggest problem about him?

A: He's too cute for his own good. I have a lot of competitors. Get off of him, girls, he's mine! Cookie's mine!!

Don't Tell Me That I'm Falling In Love

Don't tell me that I'm falling in love. Even if I've never changed so much in me for a single person before. Even if I'm pushing myself to eat more despite not having the appetite just to gain weight. Even if I force my muscles to their very limit whenever I'm at the gym. Even if I've changed the Harry Potter hairstyle that I've worn since I was born. Don't tell me that I'm trying to look my best for you because I'm falling in love.

Don't tell me that I'm falling in love. Even if there is no single hour which passes by that I don't get to think of you one way or another. Even if you keep on stealing into my dreams where I am always the hero who is there to save you. Even if I keep on rereading the messages you've sent me in my fone's inbox before deleting them. Don't tell me that you're always in my thoughts all day long because I'm falling in love.

Don't tell me that I'm falling in love. Even if I've marked in the wall calendar the days I have spent with you. Even if I've never felt so content just having you in my arms and feeling you close to me. Even if my heart beats faster whenever we touch. Even if you're the best kisser that I've ever kissed. Don't tell me that you're making me feel all these because I'm falling in love.

Don't tell me that I'm falling in love. Even if I tolerate you criticizing me to the nth level. Even if you like to make fun of me. Even if I'm not used to being the one who is always running after you. Don't tell me that you've made my world revolve around you because I'm falling in love.

Don't tell me that I'm falling in love. Because I don't want to fall again without no one to catch me. I don't want to trust my heart because I know that it is fickle and cannot be relied upon. I don't want to be hurt again this soon. I don't want to fall in love with you yet because you do not tell me what you really feel for me. Not just yet because we both know that I've got a long way to go before I am able to satisfy you. But despite all that, I cannot stop myself from feeling all these

because...

I'm
already...

falling.

AloHOMOra!

WARNING: This entry is not for underage readers. I'm telling you, do NOT continue reading if you're not very keen on reading rated material. This warning is especially for my underage students! DO NOT READ THIS! This is for my adult readers only!

I just had this crazy thought while I was riding a bus home. But before reading the rest of this, don't judge me too fast alright? I'm not always in this sexualized mood. It's just that this idea is too crazy and funny for me not to share it with you. I had a great time thinking these out. Laugh trip 'to! This is done solely for the fun of it, ok? Don't go ranting to me about decency or some such holiness. Today, I am taking a break from those.

***

Presenting the new Harry Potter series, chronicling Harry's sexual exploits which were excluded in the published books for the sake of its young readers. We all know that Harry is an orphan, therefore, while not in school or before he went to Hogwarts, he has spent a considerable time alone, thinking by himself. Fantasizing about having sex with luscious women... and men. And once he grew of age and was released from his Privet Drive home... Magical things finally happen!

Book 1: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer Stoned
While rambling through Diagon Alley, lost and bewildered by his surroundings, Harry came upon a youngish-looking sorcerer who was on a high from taking the wizard equivalent of Muggle drugs. This stoned sorcerer led Harry to a hidden darker alley where lust roams free, and Harry, young as he was, soon finds for himself what the word "magic" really means.

Book 2: Harry Potter and the Chamber Pot of Secrets
Harry came upon a mysterious-looking chamber pot while looking for somewhere to take a leak after having sex with a veela. Little did he know than when he pulled his dick out of his boxers to answer nature's call, this chamber pot will be mysteriously activated, bringing to life his forbidden sexual fantasies which, if they only knew, would make his parents rise from their graves.

Book 3: Harry Potter and the Threesomer of Azkaban
During Harry Potter's brief stay in Azkaban, he anticipated that he will be spending his imprisoned days in despair because of the loathsome dementors. On the contrary, after his first night of staying there, he found that he could actually have a swell time with the dementors for they cannot only suck the happiness out of you very well, they can also suck his thing even better!

Book 4: Harry Potter and the Pantylet of Fire
Harry just couldn't contain his jealousy any longer. After the Yule Ball, he rushed to the Ravenclaw common room to have a quickie with the pretty Cho Chang. It was common gossip that Cho was still a virgin despite having a number of horny boyfriends, and Harry, thinking that he was Hogwart's Champion in all aspects, wanted to gain more glory if he was the one to deflower the pristine girl. Little did he know that Cho was cursed into forever wearing a Pantylet of Fire, which will make her sex mates come into full orgasm even without getting her fully naked. Harry now faces the toughest sexual challenge of his life - to stop his orgasm from coming so that he will be able to enter Cho's uncultivated paradise.

Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Penis
Harry was finally irritated by the comings and goings of the pain from his scar since it keeps on disrupting his sexual activities. He searches through the Hogwarts library for a cure to stop this annoyance. With Hermione's help, he came upon this spell which might just do the trick. The thing worked and for a few days, he was able to completely enjoy this new freedom. But just as things were turning for the better, Harry discovered that he had a new problem - he just couldn't control his sexual urges anymore. Classes are disrupted by him jacking off in the classroom. Filch is in an uproar for catching him fucking someone in the corridor every night. His classmates' wands gave off an indescribably foul smell because he sticks them up his ass when they're not looking. When Snape throws him in detention to clean stuff in the dungeons, he fucks Snape himself. For Harry is not in control of himself anymore, he now follows the Order of his Penis.

Book 6: Harry Potter and the Half-Clad Prince
Harry has decided to put his sexual escapades at bay since Dumbledore has already warned him of being expelled from Hogwarts if he continues in his malicious behavior. To remedy this, Dumbledore invites Harry to stay and talk with him often in his office so that Harry's mind would be prevented from going to greener grounds. But misfortune seems to befall Harry whatever he does. Coming to Dumbledore's office later than usual, he catches the Headmaster in a private moment with his boxers off. Incredibly, Harry falls in love with what he has discovered lurking in the nether regions of the old man. This fatherly relationship has grown scandalously absurd because to Harry, Dumbledore is not his mentor anymore, from then on, he will always be his one and only Half-Clad Prince.

Hahaha! What can you say? Will you ever find anyone else as creative (and green-minded) as I am? Who knows, I might actually write these books in the future. Beware!

Student-Teacher Relationship

Pasukan na naman sa isang buwan. Excited na ako. May makikilala na namang mga bagong mukha, mga bagong kaibigan. Marami na namang magagawang bagong mga jokes sa klase ko, mga moments. Bagong mga alaala na magiging parte na naman ng aking buhay.

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko lubusang maintindihan kung bakit ganito ako ka-attached sa aking mga estudyante at sa aking trabaho. Siguro, kung kilala mo ako personally nang kaunti, hindi mo iisiping ganung klase ako ng guro ('yung mabait kuno). Iisipin mo na isa akong normal na guro - strict, boring, mahirap magpa-exam, hindi approachable, etc.

Ewan ko nga ba. Nang pasukin ko ang larangang ito, hindi ko naisip na magiging ganito ka-OA ang enjoyment at fulfillment ko sa pagtuturo. Para bang ito talaga ang nararapat na trabaho para sa akin. Yung tipong laid back lang dahil may pagkatamad ako. Yung tipong para kang artista habang nasa harap ka ng mga students mo pero at the same time nagtuturo ka din ng lesson. Yung tipong binabantayan mo ang lab students mo habang nagkwekwentuhan occasionally at nakikipag-friends na din.

Ang saya talaga maging teacher. Iba ang fulfillment kapag naibibigay mo sa mga estudyante mo ang mga bagay na gagamitin nila sa kanilang mga future. Tapos what makes it nicer is the fact that they're already your friends. Kilala mo na sila at close ka sa kanila kaya ang ganda ng feeling kapag natutulungan mo sila. Hindi yung kagaya ng ibang teacher na hindi nafeefeel ang fulfillment dahil hindi sila motivated kasi nga hindi naman nila kilala yung mga tinuturuan nila - hindi nila nakukuha yung sense ng kanilang trabaho. Mas masaya ang roles ng teacher at students kong may bonding talaga.

Pero take note, para maging close sa mga students, hindi mo kinakailangang maging mabait lang. Kasi kapag mabait ka lang, pero hindi ka talaga "one" with your students, aabusuhin ka lang nila. Dapat nagagalit ka din occasionally kung may reason, at ipapaliwanag mo sa kanila kung bakit ka nagalit. That way, if ever may nakakalimot man sa linya between teachers and students, maipapaalala mo sa kanila na hindi ka nila kachokaran na pwedeng balewalain at all times.

Iyon. That's the technique. Be one with your students. Para sa akin kasi, madali lang iyon dahil hindi pa naman ako ganun katanda (hindi talaga). Alam ko pa kung gaano kahirap ang buhay ng isang UP student kaya naiintindihan ko sila. Actually, kapag naging friends mo na students mo, hindi mo na kailangang mag-effort pa e. Everything follows after that. Makipag-lunch ka with them. Hang out habang nagyoyosi.

Pero sadly, all good things come to an end. Masakit para sa akin (no joke) kapag patapos na ang sem. Kasi yung mga friends mo, mawawala na. Maghihiwalay na kayo. Kahit ano pang sabihin natin na "friends pa din tayo" o kahit idagdag niyo pa na "text-text na lang", after ng sem, iba na talaga ang lahat. Kanya-kanya na tayo ng direksyon at mga ginagawa. Sa pagtatapos ng sem, mawawala na ang nagbuklod sa atin - ang klase. Kung ano ang dahilan ng pagkakakilala natin sa isa't isa, iyon din ang magdudulot ng katapusan nito.

Nakakaiyak balikan ang lahat ng mga naging klase ko. Bawat klase may kanya-kanyang moments, mga pasaway at mababait na students. Merong mga henyo't henya sa Chem , meron ding kailangan ng additional help. Ang mga bloopers tuwing may experiment. Ang mga tuksuhan sa mga nabubuong love teams (kaya nga lab e). Ang mga awayan na kailangan pang i-open forum. Lahat. LAHAT ng iyon ay nasa puso ko pa rin hanggang ngayon. Nakakalungkot dahil sana forever na tayong magkakasama lahat. Pero ganoon talaga ang life...

Tanggap ko na na lagi na lang akong magiging ganito. Bawat sembreak na lang, luluha nang konti diyan habang binabasa ang inyong mga "love letters", habang tinitingnan ang mga trinkets na ibinigay niyo sa akin, binabasa ang mga essays ninyo. Iiyak na lang habang nakikita ko sa isip ko ang mga mukha ninyo habang nasa lab tayo. Kung saan parang naglalaro lang tayo dahil ang saya natin lahat. Biruan dito, kwentuhan diyan, hanggang sa hindi natin namalayan na patapos na pala ang period natin. Patapos na pala ang sem.

Tapos na, mga students ko. Tapos na ang sem. Wala na ako. Wala na kayo. Pero naaalala ko pa rin ang lahat ng mga napagdaanan natin. Sana hindi niyo ko makalimutan. Sana kahit tumanda na tayo lahat, maisip pa din natin na minsan, sa isnag dumihing kwarto sa Chem Pav, may nabuong mga pagkakaibigan. May nabuong mga alaala na minsan sa buhay natin, napagsabay nating maging masaya at tumawa habang nag-aaral tayo ng kimika.

Paalam sa inyo mga students ko. Salamat sa isang maligayang sem na pinagsamahan natin. One big HUG for ALL of you!!! Mamimiss ko kayong lahat! Huwag niyong kakalimutan ang mga pinagsamahan natin...

:c