One Click

"Wait, let me see..."

A sudden feeling of anxiety coursed through me as I clicked my friends list here in Friendster. I was about to find out something, and a consequence of that might be what I've been dreading and yet hoping for this past few months. LE, sitting beside me in front of the rightmost computer in the faculty room, was waiting, curious at my expression.

Six feet under, under my skin/ there's a battle I know I cant win/ you invade me, and I surrender/ yeah, that's what I hate about you/

My friends list shortly appeared on the screen. I immediately clicked page 3 - where his name will appear.

Six feet under
Into the blue
Left of the middle
What can I do?

There... I found his name, and with it, his picture. He was in a yellow shirt (probably the same shirt he was wearing when I saw him in that Ikot jeepney) surrounded by his friends. Looking harmless, smiling in that ineffaceable smile. There, I found what I was looking for - last log-in: 4 days. I took a deep breath and decided to enlighten LE.

Oh those memories.. Those days. Theyre gone. Taken from me. Never will they happen again. They dont matter to <runner>. No. They dont matter. <Runner> wants to leave them behind. Leave me behind. When Ive done nothing wrong but.. be myself.

I sent him an email a month ago, asking him if he could forgive me. Asking him, even pleading, for him to move on and be friends with me again. That was all I was asking him. I've been checking his friendster box just to see when he last went online so that I could know whether he was able to read my message. Last log-in: 4 days. And yet no reply. He never replied since he told me goodbye. That was last year. Vague, unformed thoughts finally solidified in my head.

"I'm going to delete him as my friend," I said decisively.

Despite my control on myself, not minding the other people waiting, I shed a tear, right there on the sidewalk. "For the things I do not fully understand," I said, smiling, as I wiped my face with my hankie.


But I hesitated. My hands leaving the mouse for a few seconds. LE was taken aback by my announcement, and yet somehow, she expected that I would do it sooner or later.


"Well, what are you waiting for? Do it!" she commanded me.


"But..." I hesitated.


If I were you, I would restore our friendship. Or perhaps not. Since after all you have put me through all this time without your knowledge I came to the conclusion that you are unworthy of what I feel. That you are a bad person, no matter what you say. That you are simply NOT WORTH IT.


"But... I don't know how to delete a friend," I answered weakly.


LE was perplexed. She didn't know either.


"It should be here somewhere," I said. Searching the whole page. "Perhaps I should check his profile? No."


LE raised her eyebrows. "Why not?"


"He would know I checked his profile," I answered.


The past few days after it happened, I tried to know why he wanted to leave everything behind. Why one small thing suddenly turned out to be this huge issue that severing of ties was his only way of dealing with it. Everybody, I think, if placed in my position, will be hurt by that. And all this time, I unknowingly pretended to be searching for the answer when all along I was simply wallowing in my stupid and baseless pain.


"So what? Come on Bry. Do it. Now!"


Scared silly, I clicked on his name and his profile appeared on the screen. He'll know I viewed his profile, and perhaps he'll realize that he lost a friend. I didn't browse through his profile. Nothing has changed in there. Do it now! My mind was reiterating what LE said. Do it fast!


The evil part of my mind suddenly came up with an evil plan. LE was getting impatient.


"You're not going to do it..." LE sighed.


"I am. But first, I'm going to delete the testimonial I made him."


"It's written in our boarding house. It's written near the door..."


I quickly pored over his few testimonials from his friends. A lot of them were quite meaningless. LE pointed out one saying "gwapo, gwapo..." a number of times.


There, I found my picture, my name, and the testimonial I made him shortly after everything exploded that fateful October 4. Funny, how he still approved it in spite of his later reactions. Not bothering to read it again, I quickly clicked on that tiny word - Delete.


Our heads moved closer. I can see him close. Too close... and then there was nothing. Just me typing here on this keyboard. Just me, with the blinking mouse. Me in front of the screen. Just me. No him. Never him. So will you stop making a fool of yourself, Bry? You're embarrassing.


"I want to read it!" LE cried but she was too late. A confirmation of my action already appeared on the screen. I didn't want her to read it anyway. It will be too embarrassing for me, even if it was LE.


I went back to his profile box and no "Delete friend" command was written in there.


"I know it's doable. You can delete a friend." I reassured LE.


"Maybe they've changed the rule?" LE suggested.


I clicked back to my friends list and found on the upper right corner of the screen - Help. On the space provided, I keyed in "delete friend."


Sobs were suddenly ripped from the Count's chest. One. Two. Three sobs. Faster. And still faster. He wasn't able to stop them from coming. He didn't want to show this in front of the hunter, but he cannot do anything. He was... he was being ripped... apart.


"You know what," he choked through his sobs. "What's harder than you not... not loving me back?" The Count paused, and he cried some more. "What's harder is that... is that... I can't even show you how much I love you!" And he totally broke down.


A list of items appeared and I clicked on "Deleting/Removing a friend." The answer was helpful, yet ironically blunt.


"You can delete a friend," the instruction said. "From your home page, click on “My Friends.” Click on the white "X" in the top right corner of the box that contains the photo of the friend you wish to delete."


Even in my dreams, you're cold. You're angry. You ignore me. But even so, that's enough for me, because you've taken our friendship away. You've taken away the only thing I can cherish about us besides love. Now I'm left with scraps. No not even. I must accept the truth. I'm left with NOTHING. I'm just reliving my memories. Every minute spent with you. Every small thing I can associate with you. That's all you've left me with.


"You're not going to do it!" LE kept on nagging. I didn't answer her. I went back through my friends list and moved the cursor towards his box, spotting the X mark described by the instruction.


I will understand. I will always try to understand what you do even if I know that it is a hopeless thing because even if I've tried to deny it to myself, you'll always be very special to me.


A microsecond of uncertainty. Am I sure? Is this the right thing to do? The cursor hovered over the X mark.


I'm saying all this now
Because all good things come to an end
And when this feeling finally subsides
I can say that I have done my very best
To show you what I feel for you


My thoughts were suddenly cleared. This is the way, I told myself. He doesn't want to be my friend anyway. If he doesn't care, why should I care? Does he matter that much to me?


Basta bilisan mo na lang humanap ng (aaah eh secret pala) para matigil na ang pag-iisip mo sa kanya. Kung wala lang friendster no? Pero hindi mo naman siya kayang i-delete friend e. Masokista! Weakling! Alipin ng pag-ibig!


Does he matter much to me now when I have Cookie? Cookie, who understands me the way he didn't? Cookie, who gave me a chance to show him how much I care for him? Cookie, who saw through me? Cookie, who loves me the way he didn't?!


"Click"


Balang-araw makakamove-on din ako sa iyo. Balang-araw makakahanap din ako ng iba na magmamahal sa akin. Darating din ang araw kung kailan hindi na iikot ang mundo ko sa iyo. Pero hanggang doon, lalabanan ko pa rin ang walang basehang damdamin ko na kahit ano mang powers ng utak ko ang gamitin ko ay hindi ko pa rin lubusang maintindihan.


"Do you really want to delete this friend?" Friendster asked me.


"Yes," I clicked without hesitation.


It was the 9th of September 2005. The days of this class are numbered. Sir Bry felt like crying. He looked at his students, lingering on the one he has been eyeing for a while, but that student was busy filling a test tube with reagent and didn't notice his wet eyes. "I was simply interpreting what he does to mean what I want them to mean," he thought. "I'm being assuming."


"There," I gave out a long breath. "It's done, LE"


"I'm proud of you, my friend," she beamed at me.


After logging out of Friendster, I went back to my cubicle. I felt different. I'm finally moving on, I told myself. Way to go, Bry.


And yet... Sometimes I feel like doing what you did when you saw me. Ignore, walk away, hasten your steps, and run. Run! Run like your running for your life! Run like Im a monster. I want to run! I want to get away from this. I want to know how it feels to escape and free myself of... you.


Now I finally know how truly escaping from him feels. I took my fone from my pocket to tell Cookie what I just did.


Note:
This entry contains excerpts from some of my previous entries.