High Horses

I am aware that there are moments both here and in the real world when people can get really annoyed with me because I seem to act like I'm superior to others. My atheist posts in Facebook for instance. Or the way I talk in class sometimes, when I think that a particular lesson is easy or when I'm haranguing my students about their absymal performance. Or when I'm criticizing someone or something, I tend to go overboard sometimes. I acknowledge this imperfection of mine and in my defense, all I can say is that if someone were to point these out to me and I acknowledge that they were right, I would humbly apologize. Or maybe just apologize. Humility might be beyond me at the moment.

And I suppose this irritating characteristic of mine is what makes my haters so satisfied when I've stumbled on yet another challenge in my life. It's another vindication for their way of life. A score for them. For their religion. For their obsession with material things. For their chastity or for their homophobia. For their privacy. That everytime I fall they couldn't help but feel some ghoulish delight because I've always carried myself on this high horse. I've always been so full and so sure of myself. So confident in my convictions. That try as they might to deny it, some of them couldn't evade the fact that they feel happy that I failed.

I do try to make an effort to keep my criticisms light and funny so it wouldn't seem as if I were deliberately looking for a shouting match but I suppose my sense of humor is just too transparently acerbic that the sharpest of them can see that I'm shamming. That through this veil of politeness, I still look down on them. In some cases, perhaps, I am wrong to do so, but I still firmly believe that in most cases, I'm merely exhibiting the logical reaction. There is only so much tolerance I can give for deliberate stupidity, for example. I'm not vying for a halo, so if I were to frown at people persisting on being idiotic when you've done your best to make them understand then I suppose that doesn't really make me evil.

Some of my friends have gotten around again to considering that I need their gods back into my life. I can all but see their thoughts saying "This is all happening to him because he has no gods." And I know they only mean well but that was a facepalm moment for me. They really do not understand atheism. As if I would go back to believing in gods just to make myself feel better? As if belief is volitional? It's tough to get by on your own without any deity to "lift up" your woes to and I do give religious people points for that because shirking off responsibility is such a lifesaver but for us atheists, you couldn't just go back to mythology whenever you feel it's convenient. That's simply not the way it works. I appreciate it, but no thanks.

It is true though that some of the hardships I'm dealing with it were caused by me rejecting religion. As Jesse Ventura said, religion is a crutch and of course I fell when I let go of that crutch. And the reason why I'm having a lot of difficulty now is that I'm trying to stand up on my own. But religion isn't the only crutch I've let go of. Social conventions. Expectations. Norms. I've let them all go because I learned that I must develop my own philosophies. I understand that some people (I expect that they are not very many) have done the same and are doing much better than I am. Well, I never claimed to be the best at this anyway. I may actually be lagging behind but maybe the next time you consider pitying me you think of these factors too.

Come to think of it, many of you are up on your high horses too. You may not be as flashy as I am, so the public may not be as aware of it but in your head you might be looking down on me too. Maybe we're all on the same boat after all. I look down on you and you look down on me too.

But the thing is, we both know that there's a higher state than this. A more enlightened state when we could jump off our high horses and let go of our crutches so we can learn to stand on our own feet. We're both not there yet, but at least have the decency to recognize that you are on crutches too. That pretend as you might that you are stable, you are also sitting smugly on your high horses. Because you know, how can you really stand up on your own when you're deliberately blinding yourself that you're propped up?

I'm in the mud now, I know. It is sad that after many years of exploring, I am still lost. And I acknowledge that I'm possibly the laughing stock of the batch. But it's fine because I am laughing with you too. The sadder thing though is why you had to laugh at me in the first place. Sad not for me, but for you.

Whose high horse is higher now then?

Oh well. On hindsight, it doesn't matter much. We're still both on high horses. Or maybe thestrals are a better analogy. Some can see theirs. Some can't.