It was my fault, mostly. Because last year, when we were still dating, a small part of my mind was already aware that it wasn't really you that I like. It was only the feeling of chasing after someone that I wanted. I was only testing myself whether I can still feel. And now that I know the answer, the need to be with you has lost its purpose. It would have been sick of me, being like that, if it turned out that you can see yourself staying with me for long. Lucky for me that you don't. The moment you told me of that, I was relieved of this burden. It worked out for the best. For both of us.
From your actions, you've made it quite clear that you care about me. You always ask how I'm doing. And even during the days when I've given us up for good, it was you who called me. And I won't be a hypocrite to deny that I was happy you did. I was touched. But that does not change the fact that even during those days, I was already ready to leave. I was already gone then, actually. But despite that, if you're going to ask me if I'm okay now, I will say no. I'm surprised, but I'm happy that I am not as heartless as I believed myself to be. I'm fine, but I'm not completely okay. Otherwise, I wouldn't be inspired enough to write here.
I remember that moment when I was sitting in your living room. We were talking, and I realized that I couldn't be myself when I'm with you. In a way, I was only acting as if I was that person you thought you knew. I was holding back because it was apparent that once I've let go of this mask, you wouldn't be able to handle me. Not that it was something I should expect from you, given that we are not officially together. But if we did get together, then I must be able to completely be myself. And I felt that if we are going to be together, then most (if not all) of the conversation will be centered on your interests. Most of the effort to make the relationship work will be on you and for you.
Perhaps if I were completely devoted to making us work, I wouldn't have been daunted by that. I've made a lot of effort, and you appreciate me for the things I did. But then, I realized that sadly, you were not worthy enough for all of these. I realized that I cannot be selfless. The time will come when it will be me who will need something from you and I knew that you wouldn't be able to give me what I need. Not that it's really your fault because they are really very few - those who can ride the waves with me. I can count them with the fingers of one hand.
I will miss those days, being with you. I will miss our Gateway movie dates. I will miss waking up on your bed. I will miss those days visiting you there when you were sick. I will miss shopping for fruits. I will miss those lazy days in your house. I will miss the hugs and the kisses. I never expected to get this far with you. I suppose we were both surprised we lasted for weeks. The magic may be gone, but I suppose we could have worked it out and maybe tried again. I know that with a little more effort from me, we could have lasted longer. But when I saw you the other day, I knew that my feelings were gone for good. My trust was gone, and when that goes, it will be very hard to earn it back.
I know that there would never be a perfect guy for me. I know that very well. I know that I couldn't expect much since there is only so much I can offer and that I don't really have much to "trade" with. Again, maybe we could still have salvaged this. Maybe you'd be willing, but I know that it has to be me who must try harder. And at this point, I can't. I have nothing left to give. At this point, it is you who must give me something and you can't. You tried and it wasn't enough. And that's okay. There is only so much happiness I can receive.
Now I hope you're going to take care of Snow though I'm not sure what you are going to do with him. You can throw him away if you feel like it. You have my permission. I'm not that sentimental anyway.
I don't want you to think that I will be devastated by this. I don't want you to think that I will be bitter. Because the truth is, you underestimated me. The worst thing that you said was that you were only being careful with me because you do not want to let me think I did something wrong. But I am much better than that. I would have preferred the honesty. It is completely without emotion if I say that you never really knew who I am. It is sweet of you to tell me that I'm not really like this, as if you had the opportunity to really get to know me. It isn't your fault. I sorta faked it. And I'm sorry. But even so, the happiness I felt when I was with you was real. For a while, you were the reason for me to go on. For a while, you were almost my everything.
I have learned what I needed to learn from this. That I am still capable of being happy in a romantic way. That the gears of my heart were only rusty, and not dysfunctional as I once thought. But I've also learned that I cannot love completely anymore. I can make the first moves, but I can only go so far. It's not being emo, but I've been too broken for such things now. I need to be saved, and I will keep this in mind the next time I decide to dabble in these things again.
Farewell, then. It was great while it lasted. I wish you well. Thank you for the effort.
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