Death, Doubt, & Duality

Of all the things that we have to prepare for in this life, I think that death is the one which we keep on sweeping under the rugs. I would hate that feeling - dying without being ready for it. There are no second chances of course. It's the most final thing in everyone's lives. So shouldn't that fact make it our number one priority? That early on, we must be aware about this and that we should take on steps to ensure that our death goes well and is taken in well? Isn't this the best measure of how well you lived? That you've lived well enough to have understood and to have readied yourself for your demise?

Death is a fact. Though I think most of us avoid talking, much less thinking about it because we are afraid of what is unknown. We are afraid of how it is not to exist. It is almost never taken in jovially. One reason for this is that we never really ready ourselves for it. We do not think about it enough so when it does happen, it hits us in the face hard. It is an emotional concept - all this avoidance of thinking about death. Take your emotions out of it and you will see that you can take it in stride better. Avert your eyes or stopper your ears all you want but it cannot be denied that this is a fact.

This preparation aspect is one of the major attractions of committing suicide. Because when you commit your own death, you are avoiding being caught off-guard. Accidents are terrible ways to die. I've been in a few near-miss incidents already, and that feeling you get when you think you're about die? It's ugly. It sends your brain in a panic that it will be almost impossible to keep calm and to think clearly. You won't have time to settle your nerves. And that's not very good, I think.

If I were to be able to choose how I'd die, I want to die calm. I want my mind to be peaceful. I want it to be deliberate. Because I want it to be a well-made decision and after, I don't want people to whisper about how untimely my death was. I want to die with my motives cleared. I want to die as my own careful and calculating self. Not that tangled yarn of nerves I know I'd be if I were to die in a freak accident.

Dying from an illness is okay, as long as I'm given ample time to ready myself for it. And by that, I mean thanking those I've encountered through this experience. I'd like to share what I'm going through to everyone who would care to know how it feels, even to my last breath. I'd be writing nonstop then, probably, on my last days. I'm worried about how painful dying from an illness may possibly be though. Other than the sensation itself, I'm worried about how it might affect my preparations. How it might prevent me from thinking clearly during those last moments.

I've been living with this awareness in mind for many years now, and it's curious how it affects my experiences. It made me immerse myself in the moment. It made me more reckless and it made me let go of my inhibitions, but at the same time I also felt a measure of detachment. And that last one stems from this awareness that all this is fleeting. If you see me drunk and dancing with abandon in a club, be assured that that is only on the surface. I may be having fun for real but it does not erase this disconnection. That gets worse at times, and sometimes I almost feel like I am only going through the motions of living. That "who I really am" is not what you see but the one pulling the strings of this physical body.

Now many might think this an unhappy way to live one's life. And perhaps it is. But have you noticed that those who promote happiness seem like pushing it too much? There is doublethink at work here. You have to force yourself to be always happy and try to see the good in everything. Like what they say, happiness is a choice. And if it is a choice then a decision was made. Like yes or no. True or false. But remember that just because we chose our answer does not mean that we must convince ourselves it was the right answer and that we should pretend that other options do not exist. I suppose I am like this because I chose to live a balanced life. Not trying too much to be happy nor dwelling too much on being sad. Whether Yes or No is the correct answer, no one really knows. So I chose not to answer instead. I don't think we are required to give an answer anyway.

No matter how many times I've been unsettled by my own thoughts and findings, I prefer to be like this because understanding brings me peace of mind. There is a feeling of strength in that. A feeling of certainty. Neither happy nor sad, but a calm acceptance. Finding what is true without letting yourself be biased by any emotion. For me, someone who is always trying to be happy is like someone who keeps getting drunk. You may be doing great now but what if that bottle is taken away. What then?

I think that death shouldn't always be sad and life shouldn't always be happy. They are neither, I think.

I'm not claiming I'm sure about these things. I don't really know the answers. Sometimes I think I catch glimmers of it but I'm not sure they are within the grasp of my mind. I have much to learn. Been existing for 28 years and still quite dumbfounded about the why's and the how's but at least, I know the question. Or do I, really?

“In order to eat, you have to be hungry. In order to learn, you have to be ignorant. Ignorance is a condition of learning. Pain is a condition of health. Passion is a condition of thought. Death is a condition of life.”

- Robert Anton Wilson