Issues of Control

February 9, 2010

It is a measure of how I did not anticipate things to progress this quickly that I planned an inuman session with my friends a week ago. I was expecting that I needed to get myself drunk badly because of unbearable loneliness. I was expecting myself to cry and let it all out, not be giggly.

Well, it turned out that I did need the inuman session last night since Chad wasn't replying to my texts as often as he used to. Earlier that day I was talking to Rhay and I asked her if being too eager was okay and she said no. She said it was a turnoff and that I should keep things cool and slow.

I tried to keep what she told me in my mind but it turned out (surprise surprise) I wasn't exactly the epitome of self-restraint so I kept sending Chad messages. I just sent two, actually. One asking if he already had dinner, and another (sent when I was already tipsy) asking him to just tell me if he already lost interest in me.

A part of my mind knew that the latter message will tend to produce disastrous results so I emptied my mug of pineappled brandy and had it refilled and refilled. A sip for every five minutes elapsed without getting a reply.

And finally I did get a reply.

He said he fell asleep and that he didn't have enough load left. In fact, he told me he was on his last peso. He said I must be drunk already for me to say such things.

That kinda comforted me a bit and it made me sufficiently happy for the rest of the night.

My reply wasn't as coherent as I wanted it to be but I told him that hey, some of the people around me want me not to be so eager but I did not want to play games with him. I really like him and I really want to know him better, turn off or not.

I woke up with a minimal hangover and I decided to give Rhay's advice a shot so I refrained from texting him the rest of the day. It was already 6pm when my resistance wore off so I pulled out my fone from my pocket and just when I was about to text him, I received a message and guess who it was from...

He texted me first! Success!

Chad briefly told me about his current whereabouts and asked how my day was.

["Asked how my day was" reminded me of Alanis' "Head Over Feet"...]

He still wasn't as responsive as the night wore on but it wasn't like I'm pestering him with messages. Once, I told him that I want to meet him soon and I apologized for... well, pestering him with messages.

And...

And!

And he told me that of course, we will be seeing each other soon and that I shouldn't be silly, being too pessimistic about us.

And OMFG, assurance! The assurance that I've been waiting for. That I made it through! Confirmation that he likes me enough for another date!

And he also told me that he tripped over a wire earlier that day and he said I might have been thinking too much about him, that was why. He added a "Joke. Haha." in the end though.

I think that was cute. And humble of him too.

***

But seriously, reader I am worried about myself (my health in particular) because I cannot sleep, just thinking of seeing him again! I do not know what has gotten into me. It "took me to places like never before" and it just astounds me how lucky I am. I really really believed I've exhausted all my luck when Dan came to my life.

It is all very well that Chad gave me assurance but it still is a LONG way from here to us being a couple and I'm worried that if things fail, I will be very badly damaged because I've been flying too high and not securing safety nets like I used to.

But as Ke$ha puts it, "The rush is worth the price I pay."

***

Haven't you noticed something different about me and Chad that sets this apart from my other same-sex relationships?

Drumrolls please!

Well, we didn't have sex on the first date.

And THAT assures me that this is going to be something special indeed.

Sure, I can't wait to hold his hand, to hug him, and (hihihihi!) to kiss him but these things will happen at the right time and I can wait because I feel that this is a romance like I've never had before.

The countdown to Valentine's Day has begun indeed!