It is next to common knowledge that "religious" is not a word to be used to describe me. I almost never go to church unless it is necessary for this or that event. It isn't that I do not believe in God. I just feel that relying on God too often will make me weak. I try to get by, surpassing all problems that come my way all by myself.
Monday morning, and it was the day of my dissertation proposal defense. I haven't slept yet and I still wasn't done with my powerpoint presentation. I still have loads of scientific journals to reread and study and I knew there wasn't simply enough time. I just couldn't focus on what needed doing the night before, and I kept on postponing my work until I knew it was all doomed to fail. I was very aware that my fate as an instructor in UP rests in the success of my proposal - I will really be kicked out if I do not make it. But instead of being spurred to action by the very critical nature of this task, I dug in my heels. I really did nothing but wait for sunlight.
So perhaps, you can imagine the state of panic I was in that morning. And it didn't help that I cannot put the blame on anyone but myself. I was given enough time for this, but I just did not want to do it. When I do not feel motivated enough, I accomplish nothing. And no matter how hard I tried to push myself to begin, I just... I simply cannot do it.
My eyes were already feeling grainy, and the bright sunlight coming in through my bedside window was making them water so I thought it best that maybe I should get a few minutes of sleep first. Everything will be fine once I get some rest, I thought. After I wake up, I will be brimming with focus and I really believed I can accomplish preparing for my defense as if it was as easy as a Chem 16 lecture.
But my mind simply cannot be shut down. I was blocked. I was too tired to work but too uneasy to rest. So I texted Rhay, hoping that maybe she'll be able to slap some sense into me but my message cannot be sent. I ran out of load.
And as I was lying on my bed, my body not moving but my brain spinning out of control, it came unto me that this is one of those times when I needed to ask God for a bit of help. And so I prayed.
And as we were talking, I told Him how I wanted all of this to end. That I wanted to die already because I am simply too tired of this neverending barrage of tasks and deadlines. Why can't I simply be allowed to do the things I wanted? And I thought of my friends and family who I will leave behind when I die but I was set on my decision to die.
And I prayed to God that when I wake up, I will not be in this terrible world any longer but with Him. I am giving up, I told God. I cannot do this anymore. And I kept on pleading with Him to please help me, help me, help me... God, please give me a reason to live.
***
It was 9am when I finally decided to rouse myself despite my body's angry protests that it still hasn't recovered enough. I feverishly began to work but I already knew that I wouldn't make it in time. I noted what I still needed to work on, the journals I needed to read but that was all that I can do and I already knew I wouldn't have enough time to do those anyway.
1:30pm found me in front of the feared Graduate Committee of the Institute since I was scheduled as the first of the four graduate students to present. My nerves were wrecked, my mind so unprepared, and I knew that I was going to be eaten alive. I was fidgeting in front when my adviser asked me and the other graduate students to leave the room for a bit. It was obvious that they needed to talk in private.
Outside the AVR, my colleagues kept bidding me good luck but I just wasn't in the mood to fully appreciate them. No amount of luck could have helped me survive the coming ordeal since I plainly wasn't prepared. Instead of rehearsing what I was to present in my head, I psyched myself up on how to handle the inevitable rejection of my proposal. I was already planning on where next to look for work or what to say on my goodbye speech.
Minutes later, my adviser came out of the room and pulled me aside. She said that the others have decided that my defense was postponed and that I was to present on the next Monday.
And then there was Light!
I couldn't show her the immense surge of relief I felt since that will reveal how ill-prepared I really was. So I took it all calmly. She was actually trying to comfort me as if I will be devastated by this sudden turn of events.
"I must be the luckiest guy in the world," I told Cressa back in the junior faculty room, as I was hastily editing the Chem 17 final exam which was due for reproduction that same day.
"Yeah..." she said. And for the first time on that very memorable Monday, I really really smiled!
***
Hours later, me and my "Karen" family together with Bev, Justin, Basti, and Marco were sitting, drinking Antonov and the Bar on the floor of Bev's apartment. We were laughing, sharing stories. Smoking, dancing to Shakira, and hugging each other and as I was looking at them all, I reflected on everything that had transpired that day. This, then, is what God wanted me to learn. That there is a reason to hold on despite the worst times.
That there are really things in this life worth living for.
***
"What time is it?" somebody asked groggily.
I looked at my fone and was surprised.
"8:08 am" I replied, smiling.
And my smile lasted the whole day.
Monday morning, and it was the day of my dissertation proposal defense. I haven't slept yet and I still wasn't done with my powerpoint presentation. I still have loads of scientific journals to reread and study and I knew there wasn't simply enough time. I just couldn't focus on what needed doing the night before, and I kept on postponing my work until I knew it was all doomed to fail. I was very aware that my fate as an instructor in UP rests in the success of my proposal - I will really be kicked out if I do not make it. But instead of being spurred to action by the very critical nature of this task, I dug in my heels. I really did nothing but wait for sunlight.
So perhaps, you can imagine the state of panic I was in that morning. And it didn't help that I cannot put the blame on anyone but myself. I was given enough time for this, but I just did not want to do it. When I do not feel motivated enough, I accomplish nothing. And no matter how hard I tried to push myself to begin, I just... I simply cannot do it.
My eyes were already feeling grainy, and the bright sunlight coming in through my bedside window was making them water so I thought it best that maybe I should get a few minutes of sleep first. Everything will be fine once I get some rest, I thought. After I wake up, I will be brimming with focus and I really believed I can accomplish preparing for my defense as if it was as easy as a Chem 16 lecture.
But my mind simply cannot be shut down. I was blocked. I was too tired to work but too uneasy to rest. So I texted Rhay, hoping that maybe she'll be able to slap some sense into me but my message cannot be sent. I ran out of load.
And as I was lying on my bed, my body not moving but my brain spinning out of control, it came unto me that this is one of those times when I needed to ask God for a bit of help. And so I prayed.
And as we were talking, I told Him how I wanted all of this to end. That I wanted to die already because I am simply too tired of this neverending barrage of tasks and deadlines. Why can't I simply be allowed to do the things I wanted? And I thought of my friends and family who I will leave behind when I die but I was set on my decision to die.
And I prayed to God that when I wake up, I will not be in this terrible world any longer but with Him. I am giving up, I told God. I cannot do this anymore. And I kept on pleading with Him to please help me, help me, help me... God, please give me a reason to live.
***
It was 9am when I finally decided to rouse myself despite my body's angry protests that it still hasn't recovered enough. I feverishly began to work but I already knew that I wouldn't make it in time. I noted what I still needed to work on, the journals I needed to read but that was all that I can do and I already knew I wouldn't have enough time to do those anyway.
1:30pm found me in front of the feared Graduate Committee of the Institute since I was scheduled as the first of the four graduate students to present. My nerves were wrecked, my mind so unprepared, and I knew that I was going to be eaten alive. I was fidgeting in front when my adviser asked me and the other graduate students to leave the room for a bit. It was obvious that they needed to talk in private.
Outside the AVR, my colleagues kept bidding me good luck but I just wasn't in the mood to fully appreciate them. No amount of luck could have helped me survive the coming ordeal since I plainly wasn't prepared. Instead of rehearsing what I was to present in my head, I psyched myself up on how to handle the inevitable rejection of my proposal. I was already planning on where next to look for work or what to say on my goodbye speech.
Minutes later, my adviser came out of the room and pulled me aside. She said that the others have decided that my defense was postponed and that I was to present on the next Monday.
And then there was Light!
I couldn't show her the immense surge of relief I felt since that will reveal how ill-prepared I really was. So I took it all calmly. She was actually trying to comfort me as if I will be devastated by this sudden turn of events.
"I must be the luckiest guy in the world," I told Cressa back in the junior faculty room, as I was hastily editing the Chem 17 final exam which was due for reproduction that same day.
"Yeah..." she said. And for the first time on that very memorable Monday, I really really smiled!
***
Hours later, me and my "Karen" family together with Bev, Justin, Basti, and Marco were sitting, drinking Antonov and the Bar on the floor of Bev's apartment. We were laughing, sharing stories. Smoking, dancing to Shakira, and hugging each other and as I was looking at them all, I reflected on everything that had transpired that day. This, then, is what God wanted me to learn. That there is a reason to hold on despite the worst times.
That there are really things in this life worth living for.
***
"What time is it?" somebody asked groggily.
I looked at my fone and was surprised.
"8:08 am" I replied, smiling.
And my smile lasted the whole day.
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