Crash

June 12, 2009

Dear Diary,

A while ago, I was almost ecstatic. I met this guy, and we had this moderately nice, albeit a little plodding conversation. But the pace considerably picked up upon learning that he was also from UP. And that he was also a student. I was immediately interested since I've always had this guilty fantasy of having a student-teacher relationship.

He was okay looking. No, honestly he was quite goodlooking. But when I saw his pictures on his Multiply site, my heart fell. He wasn't goodlooking at all! In fact, he was very handsome. And vain, though with good reason. I even saw an acquaintance making a comment on one of his pictures.

And I said, straight out, that he was beyond my reach. That I am only... me. That he deserves better-looking guys who can shower him with affection. And I added that, if he will allow me to get to know him better and I am still interested, I am going to show him how much I like him. In short, I was sending signs that I am going to try to win his heart. I asked, straightaway, whether he will give me that chance. I wanted to get it over quick. I knew my chances were small. I just wanted to get it over with.

I was expecting to be rejected but he didn't answer my question immediately. Instead, he asked if I had a Multiply account, and, with a feeling of sealing my own doom, I gave him my username.

He told me that he has heard of me and that he knew some of my former students. He was properly impressed with my launch parties. A stupid hope blossomed within me - that maybe he's one of those rare guys who value what's inside instead of what's on the outside. I stupidly pictured myself being with him and it filled me with an indescribable excitement. Not the sexual kind. The romantic kind.

I saw myself taking care of him, helping him with his homework. I saw myself surprising him with unexpected visits in his class. I saw myself teaching, while he would sit in in my classes and pretend to be my student. I saw myself blushing as he enters my classroom, and making a fool out of myself in front of my students. I saw us having lunch together. I saw us secretly meeting up in the fire escape behind the faculty room.

I saw myself improving myself for him, as I did with my ex-boyfriend. I saw myself sweating in the gym, eating wagonloads of food just to gain more weight. I saw myself going to the dermatologist, and spending a fortune to improve how I look. I saw myself, giving all I've got just for an ounce of affection from this yet phantom of a person.

I hoped that, with my blog and my launch parties displayed in my Multiply account, he will be able to see the things that I am capable of. He will be able to see the amount of love, the degree of passion I can give. I hoped that my intellectual capacity will not go unrecognized. I hoped that my proximity will be a plus. Oh Diary! How I hoped that the answer to my wishes has arrived and that he will at least, give me that chance!

It took him a long while to reply to one of my text messages, and I prompted him by asking whether he already went to sleep. He said no. Just that one word. I asked what he was doing and he replied that he was still chatting. With other guys, of course. With guys that he likes. With guys who have a chance of being in a replationship with him. Good-looking guys, of course, but I know they can never be as interesting as I am. I knew, right then, what the fate of this hours-long flirting was.

I asked him again, whether I had this chance or not. All he said was, "I hate this part" but oh Diary! It still stung me, even if I already knew what the outcome would be. It hurt me, but not as much as I thought it would. Because honestly, how many times have I faced rejection, no matter how direct or indirect?

I told him not to be silly. I told him that I was mature enough to know what I was entering into. I told him that it was enough for me that I did what I can when the opportunity presented itself. I'm satisfied that I did not let it pass me by. To his credit, he apologized to me, even adding a crying smiley, and it touched me that a person like him should feel something for me. Although I really did not need his pity. Or maybe it was for regret?

I knew there is no easy path ahead of me. I knew it, when I decided to go through with breaking up with my boyfriend of two and a half years. I knew that I will be facing God knows how many more rejections, how many more days of loneliness and trying again. But the knowing didn't make an ounce of difference to the sadness I felt.

It is barely 50 hours since the breakup. And already, I am catching a glimpse of my uncertain future. I am catching a glimpse of what I would face, time and again. It makes me afraid because love is central to my happiness. It makes me afraid because one day, I may not find the strength to move on and see through another day of being alone.

My boyfriend said that he will not look for another relationship but I know he will have a damned easier time because he looks better than I do. If only people can see. Oh Diary, if they can only see what is inside of me... But in reality, there really are requirements which cannot be put aside and I accept them since I do follow them. I should be thankful that he at least, tried to be subtle.

Or maybe they do see what I am capable of but they deem it not enough to make up for what I lack.

The first time I checked this new guy's profile some hours ago, my computer suddenly crashed. I told him so when I sent my first message to him, and added that it must be a sign. At that moment, I thought it was a romantic kind of crash. That it was symbolic of something sudden and unexpected but in a positive way.

Now I know it isn't.

***

Sugababes - "Unbreakable Heart"

(This song will be included in my upcoming adult contemporary album, "Pocket Philosopher" to be released this October)


you might think i would know better than this by now
that i should be strong enough to resist somehow
even letting myself wish is a risk, i know
to let go and to kiss is just asking for the blow

you might think i would see clearer this time around
now i'm done doing payments for your crimes, i'm done
then again how can something this sublime be wrong
if you can't stand the fall then you better hold on

this is how it begins
with a smile
with an inch
take a mile
then again
what's another little sin?

if i walk through my whole life
choosing the safe side
and staying smart (don't you know)
i'll miss out on the real thing
it's all or it's nothing
that's why it hurts (they go)
what good is an unbreakable heart?

i'm not trying to tell you nothing 'bout right and wrong
it's a whisper and it's growing into a song
are you looking for somewhere where you can belong
won't you come on over here, we got something going on

this is how it begins
with a smile
with an inch
take a mile
then again
what's another little sin?

if i walk through my whole life
choosing the safe side
and staying smart (don't you know)
i'll miss out on the real thing
it's all or it's nothing
that's why it hurts (they go)
what good is an unbreakable heart?