Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Coming To A Head

November 23, 2010


The lights were already on and the bar was about to close. It was well into the morning of my 26th birthday, with the sun only minutes from rising over the horizon. The music was still playing, and I was still drunk and dancing and the guy behind me (who I was actually discreetly flirting with) has finally showed that he liked me too by letting his hands travel all over my body. It was thrilling, that, although I was rather put off by the incredulous faces my friends were giving me. It was rare for me to be touched like that, so I just let him. I enjoyed it, but in the back of my mind I'd rather it was you.

I immersed myself in a tub of hot water and let the warmth slowly reach my bones. I kept my right hand over the water so I can reach for my cigarette without getting it wet. I took a long drag and exhaled as I made myself more comfortable. I watched the smoke mix with the steam, and relished the pleasure of enjoying some quality time just by myself. Somebody was coming to visit me soon though, but I'd rather it was you.

It was past midnight and I was having a very late dinner at Ministop. I was texting someone new, and after a long wait, I finally found someone who has enough intellectual capacity to grasp what I wanted to say even when I am at my wittiest. I had a grand time just texting him, and I especially liked how he was not completely falling into my charms but at the same time, he was letting me know that he couldn't quite resist them either. I was all smiles as I sent another reply to one of his messages, but I knew, deep down inside, that I'd rather it was you.

And now, I feel that things are about to change again and that someone might be coming who will give me a chance to sweep him away. We are going out on our first date and I just might have an awesome time with him. He will be ready, willing, and able to enter into a relationship with me and we are going to take it slow, just how I want it to be. And when he finally lets me hold his hand in one sweet moment, I only wish I'd stop wishing it was you.

You know, this is one of the reasons why I can't confront you and tell you that I am the one for you because I'm not. I like you enough to be brutally frank about it. He (my rival) may actually be partially right in believing that I am not the one you go into a relationship with. Laying down the facts, I lasted two and a half years with the same guy and for PLU that's almost forever, so you cannot really go about claiming that I cannot commit myself enough to make a relationship last. Besides you should know better than to judge me from hearsay and from what you see. Just because you see that  I am carefree with my life does not mean I do not take my relationships seriously.

My point is that he may be correct in thinking that I am too mercurial - I cannot abide staleness for too long. Sooner or later, I will make my move and sadly, I don't care much if someone else gets hurt in the process. Of course, I'm not saying that that is the case here. If I had the smallest chance, I knew you would have made it a point that I should be aware of that.

From this night onwards, I'd wish you'd stop creeping into my romantic dreams. Because truth be told, there will always be a part of me who'd be yearning it was you I was seeing in that world. And in this wold as well.

Feelings change.

But as I've said: what is true, will endure.


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