My Top 11 Songs for 2011

For me, 2011 has been a most unique year for music. Here are my favorites for the year. Tell me yours!

11. Adele - "Rolling in the Deep"

This song has been ubiquitous for most of this year, and for once in recent popular music's history, quality matched popularity. Cheers to Adele. She made this year more memorable for most of us, I bet.

10. Britney Spears - "Till the World Ends"

The more I listen to this song, the more I seem to like it. I have been a fan of Britney Spears ever since her first album (I was one of the first of her fans way back in my high school days) and to grow up with her music made my life so much more colorful. I know deep in my heart that in that theoretical scenario, I will indeed be one of those who will be dancing till the world ends.

9. Maroon 5 - "Moves Like Jagger"

Unlike most of you, this song did not hit me straight in the face the first time I heard it. Only with repeated exposure did it unconsciously worm its way into my brain to give me that LSS. There was one night I played this on loop while I danced like crazy, alone in the living room. I may not know how to whistle, but I guess I know how to move like Jagger.

8. Foster the People - "Pumped Up Kicks"

It was one of those rare moments when you first listen to a song in the radio and immediately, you couldn't get it out of your system. I had to do some research before I was able to know even the title of this song, because I guess I was one of the first to listen to it. I am very happy that this song became popular because recently, I have been increasingly inclined towards indie music.

7. Rihanna feat. Calvin Harris - "We Found Love"

There is a sheer but simple euphoria to this song, and I've been loving it weeks before it hit mainstream consciousness. This song made me realize that I will always be a big fan of dance music. A most memorable video too.

6. Ke$ha - "Blow"

All in all, I think this is the best Ke$ha song ever. I can see myself in it - doing what the song says and living in it. And of course, me and my colleagues in IC performed this song in one of our best dance routines. I can still remember the dance steps to this one.

5. Lady Gaga - "Judas"

For me, nothing beats "Paparazzi" but this is my favorite cut from her slightly disappointing "Born This Way" album. Too bad it did not make it big in the rest of the world, probably because of its controversial video. Still love that swinging dance step though.

4. Avril Lavigne - "What the Hell"

Avril has been severely overshadowed by other artists this year, and I bet many have completely forgotten about her in their own yearend favorite lists. This may not be her best year ("Goodbye Lullaby" was a bad album) but I surely had fun playing this song on loop for weeks. I also enjoyed playing this song on my guitar even if it was terribly difficult to sing it without my voice being reduced to squeaks in the chorus.

3. Britney Spears - "I Wanna Go"

How can I forget the many times I've played this song in the Junior Faculty Room when "Femme Fatale" (which is one the best pop albums I've ever listened to) was leaked online? I've loved this song months before it was released and this will always remain as one of my faves from Britney. The perfect song to play before I go out to party!

2. Katy Perry - "Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)"

It was a moment of awesomeness for me when I heard that this song was to be released as Katy's next single because I've helped popularize this song in my "808" album which was released last year. I even made a music video for this! Every time people remember me because of this song, I couldn't help but be elated because that is exactly my major objective in making albums. Silly the song may be, but it does describe my recent (and hopefully on-going) partying years.

1. Adele - "Someone Like You"

I chose this song as my favorite this year because like most other people, I can somehow relate to this song. I couldn't quite remember if I cried to this like in that SNL skit (probably a case of selective amnesia) but I know that this is one song which I will carry with me even though I'm old and my heart is worn out. The world has decided that 2011 is definitely Adele's year, and I agree to that wholeheartedly.

Who I Loved The Most

"Every heart that's broken is a murder one."
- Sugababes

***

Dear D,

Hey Baby. I wonder how you are. I've been sending you messages over Facebook you know, but you never seem to receive them. You must have blocked me from messaging you. Well, I'd rather believe that than the possibility that you simply do not want to reply to me.

I hope you're doing well, wherever you are. I bet you'll be with your barkada and your new guy this coming New Year's Eve. I bet you'll be at Carlo's rooftop, drinking and dancing and all.

I dated a lot of guys this year, Baby. Nine guys, not counting those which did not last more than the first date. Not counting those which were just for sex. I dated nine guys, Baby. And all of them failed.

The first was a rockstar. He is a vocalist in a local band from UPLB. I used to travel long distances for him, from Diliman to LB many times a week. I helped him in his thesis manuscript you know. We used to have coffee at this chic place in Laguna while he poured his heart out to me. I brought him to school once, and my students met him. I also brought him home. He carried me up the stairs like a bride (like you and I used to) and he placed me on my bed. He pinned me down and kissed me all over. It was one of the best feelings ever, Baby. I really liked that guy. But he left me days before my Compre over a trivial matter. He graduated and I failed.

The second was a bagger at SM San Lazaro. He was poor but he was cute. He had an awesome history, you know, much more colorful than ours would ever be. I brought him to O Bar once and one O Diva even asked us to kiss in front of many people. He was a real sport. Even though he did not have much money, he wanted us to have a fair share on our dates. We met many times Baby but on our last dates, I felt dragged down by his family burden. I cut off communications with him slowly and then I vanished. I still think of him sometimes. He had been really nice to me, even though I was an ass.

The third was... a bum. He only just passed the board exams that was why. At first, it was supposed to be just for sex. I tried to fuck him the first time we met but as I had no practice at all (you should know the reason why) it turned out to be quite a fiasco. We just laughed it over after, as we sat down on the table to smoke. He looked at me and that was when I knew that this was turning out to be something more than just sex. We dated for a while. He was intelligent, and I loved his sense of humor. I loved it when we kiss Baby. I used to play my guitar for him and he would smile and it was really special. He made me love the song "California King Bed". But he wasn't completely over his ex that time we met. One night I was asking him to come over, but it took him too long to reply to my messages that I snapped. I told him that I've had enough. I deleted his number. I deleted him from Facebook. Days after, I realized my folly and when I tried to contact him again, he was gone. I couldn't find him anymore.

The fourth was... well, another bum. He lived somewhere near SM North and we didn't really last that long. He was okay, though, and I like his interest in things. I gave him a lot of my stuff which I didn't need and I was happy that it pleased him greatly. He was young and he was a really good fuck. I loved his stamina. Sadly though, we fell out of it. Nobody seemed to want to fix things back to where they were and we both moved on with no hard feelings to each other.

The fifth was a Makati call center agent. I've known him for a very long time, Baby. He wanted me to be a fuckbuddy and not as a boyfriend, and that was fine with me. We met several times this year and one time I brought him to our apartment in Sikatuna. After a night of drinking, I woke up to find everything cleaned up. He did the cleaning while we were sleeping. He is weird like that. Many times I kept asking him that we should give us another go but he seemed to want to just keep me as a friend. And in the end, I suppose that is really for the best, considering that if there was a Venn diagram of our interests, only "sex" will be in the overlapped portion. We still communicate, and I have to admire his patience because I only reply to him one out of five times.

The sixth was a writer. I think. Of sorts. He was really smart and he got along with my friends really well. He had a lot of piercings done on his face, weird hair, artsy fashion, and he has a UP-ish sense of humor even though he wasn't from our school. He was really artistic. He knows a lot about books and paintings and music. I believe he can even rival me when it comes to music trivia. Once we had this "guess that tune" game with my friends and he won. One night after a day together, he already went home (a long way off) and I asked him to come back and he did and even brought some food with him. He was really mature and all in all he was okay but I just wasn't physically attracted to him. I was distraught by that realization, but I really did try to summon feelings of attraction for him. Eventually, we fell apart too.

The seventh was my sweetheart. He was half a foreigner so we had to talk in English all the time. Sometimes I make fun of his Tagalog because it was just so cute. He was the sweetest thing ever, Baby. And he loved the book I wrote for you (which you returned to me after we broke up). He was the first guy I kissed in public, too. We were just so sweet, holding hands everywhere, kissing everywhere. He was a dream of a lover. One rainy night we even went to Luneta, and sat on a bench under an umbrella. That will probably one of the nights I will never forget in my whole life, Baby. And when he became my boyfriend, it was the sweetest thing! I can leave him at home and he will chat with my Mom and my Dad and they got along well. I couldn't ask anything more from him, Baby. But I... I felt choked with his love. It was all so overwhelming and I found myself missing my time alone more and more until it became clear to me that I wasn't ready for him yet. I broke up with him in the lamest possible way and to this day, I carry that guilt that I never did him justice. One day, I will find the courage to face him again. I will.

The eighth was... Mr. Complicated. We met at unusual circumstances. The rules were blurred. And... And I suppose I'm still in pain over him, Baby because... Because he was the best guy I've ever met in my whole life. He was better than you. When I'm with him I just feel so different. I feel so understood and I can feel that we resonate somehow. He has this way with me and it was just all so intense that's why I couldn't write about him properly. The first time I hugged him I almost cried. That was how fierce it was for me. We tried to make a story where I as the scriptwriter and he was the director. But... I'm afraid that he does not like me back. Everything had been too easy for him, and boys everywhere fall head over heels for him and I suppose to him, I was just one of those foolish guys. That hurts but that is the truth. I wish I can still see him one day... If only to end the story that we have begun.

The ninth was a chemist. He was very sporty too, and he loves to run and do other sporty stuff. He was quite smart and he seemed to be interested in my albums. I invited him over once and he was cuddlier than I originally thought him to be. I felt sad though, because that was the night that I realized that we were never going to be more than friends. That was fine, since he wasn't looking for a relationship, but you know, that will give me less reasons to see him again. It was all quite very recent (only hours have elapsed) so I'm still unsure of what to think of him.

So there, Baby. Those were the nine guys I've dated this year. A record I've set for 2011. Nine experiences and nine lessons in love. Nine kilig moments and nine heartbreaks.

Ask me now, Baby. Ask me who I love the most now. And even if I tell you the answer, it wouldn't really matter. Because I have learned to distrust my feelings. Every single time, I keep telling myself that this was it. That this was the right love for me. But then they fail. They keep failing. But the most amazing part of it all is that I've gone through these whole. I'm okay. I'm still standing, Baby.

You know Baby, when you've gone through a lot of things, it becomes harder and harder to define what real love is. The bar keeps being set higher and higher. The feelings become more and more intense but still, that's not love. I can meet this new guy and he can turn my world around, but no, that's not love either.

I wonder, Baby, what is love for you? Did you feel love when we were together? Do you think I did?

Sigh.


Love (Did I really?),
B

2 Heads

Lately I've been reading stuff about evolutionary psychology just out of curiosity. This relatively new field postulates that our behavior stemmed from the accumulated adaptations of our ancestors. The beneficial social traits which enabled our ancestors to survive better than the others were passed on through our genes, in a manner very similar to the more popular concept of "biological" evolution.

Parts of these concepts include explanations on how we choose our potential mates - from the requirement of physical fitness, youth, and fertility to maternal behavior to  how we react to emotional and sexual infidelity (yes there are scientific reasons for this). Learning about how we tick as a race proved to be illuminating yet distasteful for me at the same time. If what evolutionary psychology says proves to be true, then it shows us that we have been mere puppets of our genes all along. Of course, there is absolutely nothing weird about having evolved to survive better in a physical sense. What I find unpalatable is how our instincts, through our genes, are messing with our minds. All along, we thought our brains were always in control of our feelings and desires. That we are consciously aware of every decision that we make. But these recent findings, they tell us that we are but mere puppets of our DNA.

This puts my life philosophy in a very difficult conundrum. On one side, I can fully embrace my most innate desires (read: lust) since they are but natural drives for a human being to have. I can live my life in such a way as to satisfy every craving as long as I am not doing harm to others. Why fight it when these are as natural as hunger and thirst? On the other side, I hate how it contradicts my "higher" thoughts. I've read somewhere that what separates us from animals is our ability to control our basest drives. I can go ahead and sleep around until I drop dead from sheer exhaustion, but somehow, a part of me rejects this since I consider this low and shallow. Should I allow myself to be dictated by my genes, even if these evolutionary traits are now mismatched with our new environment?

Of course, I am only having this dilemma because our natural drives are not in my favor. People are naturally attracted to physically fit individuals, and this stems from the stone age idea of strength being synonymous to survival. But in this age, we know that this isn't as true as it was hundreds of thousands of years ago.

Just look at how we choose our partners. How much of it is due to our "purer" emotions, and how much is just plain old lust? How much is caring and how much is fucking? I think that most people who claim that looks does not matter are hypocrites. No matter how we promote "true love", we are still slaves of our ancient traits. And it is almost impossible to escape their trappings.

I look back on my relationships and realized how much my libido has led me to make a lot of wrong decisions, from the perspectives of my heart and my mind. I could have been theoretically romantically satisfied by now, if only I was able to control my headstrong and bullheaded dick. I have tried so hard to escape this predisposition but ultimately, these blasted genes have always won.

Sigh. I suppose the best that I can do is to find a compromise between my two heads. Find a balance between the rational and the carnal. No matter how we struggle, there are really some things which are beyond our control. Things like these make me realize that we are far from being flawless, and that we have a long way to evolve into becoming the "perfect" human beings that we strive to be.

Photoshop My Life

Dati ko pa tinatakasan ang pagkapangit ko. Dati, laging nakababa yung salamin ko, halfway na papunta sa dulo ng ilong ko. Alam ko na oily naman kasi lagi ang facial skin ko, kaya siguro nawalan na ako ng gana na paulit-ulit siyang itaas paakyat. Well, pwede ko namang higpitan yung sa may tenga di ba? Pero hinayaan ko na lang na ganun siya. Kahit na minsan mukhang ewan na talaga ako lalo. 

(Naalala ko pa dati dapat iinterviewhin ako para sa TV. Tapos parang naasar yung reporter sa mahulog-hulog na na salamin ko at pinatanggal na lang. O nung same event na yun na dapat ako yung ipinag-dedemo para sa TV din ng isang lab experiment dahil ako ang sorta knowledgeable, kaso sumimangot lang sa akin yung media peeps dahil hindi ako pang-TV. Yung mas gwapo ko na lang na kasama yung pinag-demo.)

Kaya hinahayaan ko na ganun yung salamin ko kasi "ayokong harapin ang katotohanan", lalo na kapag nakaharap ako sa salamin. Siyempre, mas blurred yung tingin ko kapag nakababa ang salamin ko, kaya kaya ko pang isipin na guwapo ako o cute. Well, totoo naman siguro yun. Sabi din ng ex ko kapag wala siyang salamin e cute naman ako nang kaunti. At yun yung ex ko na super honest ha? Yung kapag nalulungkot ako dahil sinabihan ako ng iba na panget ay mapapa-oo na lang siya dahil ayaw niya magsinungaling. Wala siyang konsepto ng "comforting words".

One time, as a birthday treat to myself, naisipan kung palitan ang salamin ko after ten years. Halos amagin na di naman siya at kalawangin, at naglipana na ang blue-green culture na nabubuhay sa aking facial oil. Laking gulat ko nang isuot ko ang bago kong salamin at nakita ko ang fez ko na parang inverted strawberries lang ang texture at color. Nagulat ako na over the past few years, nakaya kong lumarga sa outside world nang ganun ang hinaharap.

Well, bago pa mangyari iyan ay ang uber-tigidig days ko circa 2005-2006 na kung saan nagmimistulang pagmamay-ari ng isang babaeng laging tinatagusan ang kama ko dahil laging may blood marks sa unan dahil sa mga pumuputok na pimples na hindi ko namamalayan sa aking mahimlay na pagtulog. Ibang level talaga ang pagkalala ko nun, at alam ko na naging tapunan ako ng mga pang-aalaska kapag nakatalikod ako. Pero kasi, wala naman akong magawa talaga nun kundi hayaan lang siya. Wala akong perang pang-derma. At hindi ko siya naging priority dahil noong mga panahon na iyon ay mayroon akong jowa kaya wala akong paki kung pangit ba ako sa iba. Grabe lang, taas-noo ako sa mga naging exes ko during those years at natanggap niyo ako nang ganun. Aylabshu talaga mwahmwah!

Eventually, nag-subside na din siya at medyo panaka-naka na lang sila kung mag-appear. Hindi na kagaya nang dati na halos mawalan na talaga ng space sa fez ko dahil occupied na lahat. Hehehe! Tapos nung nag-resurface na rin ang aking skin beneath all those acne ay nagparang battleground ang aking nakita. Sandamakmak na scars at what-have-you's na di maipintang ewan. It's true what they say - na pagkatapos ng gera, ang lupa ang pinakanahihirapan.

Sa ngayon, I can honestly say na nag-improve siya slightly, hindi lang sa aking biased judgement kundi sabi na rin ng mga friends ko. Yun nga lang, sobrang lubak-lubak na siya, at pareho na sila ng texture ng batong panghilod. Kapag nakasalamin ako at nakaharap sa salamin, medyo bearable na. At minsan gwapo pa, depende sa klase at angle ng light. Kapag malayo, like siguro mga limang metro, aakalain mong pwede na. Hindi ko makalimutan one time naglalakad ako sa Trinoma tapos narinig yung isang gay couple talking about me. Sabi nung isa "Gwapo o" but no, nung lumapit na ako, biglang dagdag nung isa "Sa malayo".

Malaki ang pasasalamat ko sa Adobe Photoshop dahil kahit papaano ay may naipapakita akong presentableng profile pic sa mundo ng Friendster o Multiply o Facebook. Most of the time, konting tweaks lang naman ang ginagawa ko like contrast and brightness. Minsan style lang diyan ay yung pag-crop o pag-rotate. Pero kapag nasa creative mode ako, yon todo gamit ako ng effects. Pero I maintain na may pagka-"art" pa din yung mga heavily edited at hindi lang panlolokong ganap. Salamat na lang at wala akong high quality camera dahil kung ganun ay kahit anong pag-eenhance ko siguro ay sadyang wala na akong magagawa pa sa pagmumukha ko.

Minsan, kailangan mo lang talaga nang kaunting panloloko sa sarili (parang religion lang) para makabangon ulit kinabukasan. Konting edit sa pictures, mapapanatag na ang loob mo na hindi ka naman talaga super swangit. Konting delete lang sa mga pangit na pictures, hindi lang sa files kundi maski sa alaala mo para huwag ka tuluyang madala sa walang katapusang self-pity. Hindi kasi lahat kayang tanggapin ang buong katotohanan.

Ngayon at matanda na ako, iyon na ang sinusubukan kong harapin. Na sadyang pangit ako sa lagay ko ngayon. Kaya naman hindi matapos-tapos ang heartbreak ko eh, kasi habol ako nang habol sa mga mas gwapo sa akin. It is time for a reality check na sa itsura ko ngayon, hanggang sa certain low level lang na ito ang kaya kong ma-reach.

Ngunit ang problema ko talaga ay kahit na alam kong pangit na nga ako ay minsan wala pa din akong gana na ayusin ang sarili ko kasi parang taliwas ito sa aking mga paninindigan na ang pagka-halina dahil sa itsura ay kababawan lamang. Pero habang lumalaon, at nakikita ko ang sarili ko na tumitingin din talaga sa mga gwapo ay naiintindihan ko na na hindi ako excluded sa mga batas na ito ng lipunan ng kabadingan: "Huwag choosy, kung di ka naman yummy" at "Gwapo sa gwapo. Only."

On retrospect, kaya lang talaga ako nakatagal nang ganito sa itsura ko ay magaling din kasi ako mag-photoshop ng buhay. In a way, maganda yun kasi napapasaya mo ang sarili mo. Lagi mong nakikita ang rainbows and butterflies sa bawat pangit na nangyari sa iyo, pero ang masama dun ay niloloko mo lang ang sarili mo. May panahon na kailangan ko ding harapin ang katotohanan.

Nakakatawa na noong isang araw lang ay nag-expire na ang aking free Photoshop trial. Para bang senyales na hindi na ako dapat mag-enhance ng mga pictures ko. Mula ngayon, hanggang Paint na lang ako. Hehehe. O kaya todo adjust ng angles at lighting.

Siguro panahon na nga para ayusin ang pagmumukha ko. Dapat siguro matanggap ko na hindi ito kababawan lang. Nakasalalay dito ang confidence ko. Nakasalalay dito ang future ko. Sawa na ako isnabin ng mga di naman kagwapuhang vainglorious assholes. Sawa na ako balewalain at lokohin. Hintayin niyo lang ako at ipapamukha ko sa inyo ang tunay na mukhang dapat ay napasaakin kung hindi lang dahil sa aking acne genes.

Sa huli siguro, ang mas mahalaga ay kung paano ituring ng sarili mo ang sarili mo nang walang halong lokohan. Oo, inaamin kong pangit ako. Pero pangit ako ngayon lang. Bukas, gagawa ako ng paraan para mabawasan yun ng kaunti. At nang kaunti pa. Hanggang makuha ko na ang dapat kong nakuha dati pa.

Darating din ang araw na kaya kong ipakita kung ano man ang nararamdaman ko, nang hindi ko na naiisip ang magiging itsura ko sa picture.

Green Sunsets & Null Sets

Have you ever tried to look at yourself in the mirror, not to look at your appearance, but to look into your eyes hoping to find a glimmer of who you really are?

 

Have you ever tried to crane your neck upward and just look at the wide expanse of the cloudless sky and simply wonder at how it makes you want to fly?

 

Have you ever tried to imagine yourself a giant stepping over lands and seas, pausing every now and then to tickle your feet with the trees?

 

Have you ever tried bungee jumping inside your head, to feel the rush of the wind against your face and to try to intermittently fight the feeling of falling to get that conscious thrill in your tummy?

 

Have you ever tried to get your mind lost as you gaze outward from the bus window, and making yourself believe that you can forget where you are if you only tried hard enough although you really couldn't?

 

Have you ever tried thinking that handsome stranger was your boyfriend, only to lose interest halfway through because you imagined being with him so hard, it almost felt as if you've really had him?

 

Have you ever tried to control your hands as they move seemingly without permission as they followed the beats of the song you were listening to, making you look like an epileptic fool in front of everyone?

 

Have you ever tried to appreciate the awesomeness of your own brain as you wake up from yet another dream whose ideas you wouldn't have been able to come up with by yourself awake?

 

Have you ever tried to scare yourself silly knowing that if you are aware of this much now, it will only get worse in the future and you might get swept away by the sheer wonder of your ever evolving thoughts?

 

Have you ever tried being attracted to the night and its shadows while in your head, you rely on real textures to feel your heart for its sore spots and grooves?

 

Have you ever tried to sit on a cafe with your smokes and your music and just stare blankly in front of you because your mind is bombarded with external and internal barrages of thoughts and yet it feels blank at the same time?

 

Have you ever tried to bring yourself back to the ground and to erase that stupid smile in your face as you came up with another exciting and crazy idea on what the future might be like?

Have you ever tried to ask yourself why you are so mesmerized by fireworks when you can easily see something more visually stunning on your media player's visualizations?

 

Have you ever tried asking yourself why you feel that sunsets, especially those rare vivid green ones, are among the most beautiful things you have ever seen on this earth even though you already know that the answer to that is meaningful but still, it does not matter?

 

Wunderkind

At times I want to approach my parents while they're just lying there on the couch, watching yet another one of those intellectually numbing shows on TV. At times I simply want to ask them how they feel about how they fared in their lives, now that theirs are drawing to a close. At times I just want to ask why they made such a mess of helping me grow up as a child. I want to ask, not to rile them up, but because I want to understand.

I envy my friends sometimes, those whose parents are taking active controls over their lives. I envy those parents I see on TV commercials, "nurturing the gift" of their child. Those parents who, you know, seem to want to share what they've gone through. Those who have at least a modicum of know-how on how it feels to become an adult.

My story of growing up seem to be almost completely mine alone. My parents gave me a free rein on almost everything important in my life. Maybe they thought I was too bullheaded to follow whatever they say, but I believe I only became like that on my post-adolescent years. Even when I was just a wee child, they never seemed to guide me at all, and I'm only thankful that I have an inner sense of academic duty otherwise I would have long flunked myself out of school. Some of you might think that the freedom they gave me is actually a good thing, but what I'm pointing out here is the difference between letting me be free and them not knowing how to raise a child.

Like some of you, early on, I already exhibited some promising signs of creativity. I already had a sense of melody when I was in Grade 1, playing my father's cassette tapes and having a grand time just reading the lyrics of those songs out of the album booklet. I was making my own maps by that same period as well, already inventing my own world of wars and capital cities and trying to draw their own flags. I started writing short stories when I was still in elementary school, chronicling me and my friends' adventures on the salt fields behind our school. I recorded my first songs by that time also, using my father's wrenches of different sizes as a very crude xylophone and conscripting my still sane brother to play another makeshift instrument (it led to a lot of frustration on my part since he had a very limited attention span and was clearly not interested in making music). I drew comics as well - the adventures of my toys and their war against Black Master. I made all sorts of make-believe games, most involving pens and calculators and some paper. I also made recipes out of my mother's powders and other school stuff mixed with some juice and the occasional leftover snacks. I even did my own version of Miss Universe (so gay I know) but the contestants were my mother's thread spools or my crayons. They'll have their own scores. Criteria for judging. And usually Black ends up last while Apple Green or Magenta takes the crown.

My childhood was just plain wondrous, not because I had a lot of friends or because I had the best toys but because of my imagination. I can spend my days just on my own, and I'll never run out of ways to amuse myself. My parents couldn't have failed to notice what a weird child I was, who prefers to stay at home and sit on his table, writing down numbers and tinkering with a small calculator (which they should know wasn't taught to me at school yet) instead of going out to play with friends like normal kids do. They couldn't have helped but see that in me, and yet they did nothing. They helped me not to develop any of my inclinations.

I can understand why they wouldn't buy me any cassette tapes since it was more for leisure than for talent development. And I had no grudges when I had to use my own money, earned from winning contests, to buy them. But what I don't fully understand is why I had to buy my very first atlas and that I had to buy my own keyboard. It wasn't a case of saving money since I'm certain that during those days, my father was one of the first guys to own a cellphone and that he could have bought a car. It puzzles me why they didn't do anything to feed my growing curiosity in the arts. They saw me, acting like no normal kid does, and did nothing about it. Nothing at all.

There were even times when they considered me a nuisance. Like they'll scoff at me because I pestered them with my never-ending questions. I used to line up my cassette tapes and ask my Mom which one she likes best and she would just give an irritable noise and ignore me. They never displayed any active interest in what weird stuff I was doing anyway.

And now couple this with the fact of how they paid next to nothing for my tuition. And how my father actively stopped my application for UP, and how my mother had to struggle on her own to secure me a DOST scholarship just so I can go through college. I mean, can you imagine that? What kind of father will save nothing for his son's college education? What kind of father would deliberately stop his son from going to the country's premier university?

I can't help but feel disappointed at how my life could have been if only my parents were more forthcoming with my creative tendencies. How many songs might I have written by this time if they only encouraged me and bought me the right instruments? How many stories might I have written? How many comic books? It has always been me. Just me struggling to go up while they hold me down. I know I can do nothing about all these now, but still I couldn't help but feel regret at what I could have become if only my parents were more knowledgeable on how to properly raise a child, especially an unusual one like me.

And let's not forget to mention how they never even said that they were proud of me for all my achievements. It was only later (as in like this year) that they jibe at me, calling me gifted or that I was good in this or that, but back when I was younger they never gave me one word of praise. Not even a hug for ending up on top of my class through elementary, high school, and college. Not one.

Oh I know they love me in their own ways. I'm sure of that. Only sometimes, I get tired because I've been struggling on my own for a very long time now. I've had this sense of independence ever since I can remember and you know, I just wonder how things would have been if my parents were those I saw on TV, smiling at their son on stage, clapping their hands, supporting him, encouraging him...

I wish I were exaggerating about these things but I'm not.

China Heart

You can play with my body
You can take me to the dark

You can bathe me with your sweat

'Til my defenses fall apart

You can take me to your room

Up to heaven, 'round the moon

You can play with my body

But you can't play with my heart

You can play with my pocket

You can ask and we'll go out

We'll spend time in fancy places
While away our idle hours

Money's nothing but some paper

In exchange for time together

You can play with my pocket
But you can't play with my heart

You can play with my own mind

Talk that talk as we unwind

You can stir that fizzling cauldron

Of our own imaginations

You can trick me and seduce me

Fill my world with your own whimsies

You can play with my own mind

But you cannot play with my heart

For lust is nothing but a sigh

Cash, a ticket for a ride

Thoughts are easy to come by

But it is love which makes me cry

 

I'm old and grown, I've seen a lot

I'm strong and able, I'm all that
Though I can mend this broken heart
The fissures stay, and you know that

But you

You played still

How To Win The Game

I was but a momentary distraction. The flavor of the week. From the start, you had no plans to make us last a minute longer than necessary. I was the newest and most entertaining show playing on TV, and so you watched. For you, it was only a game. I was only a game.

For me, you were an unexpected visitor who turned out to be an unexpected friend. I found in you someone I thought worthy of something better. And I thought myself your Messiah. The more I got to know you, the more I thought I was right that there was something more to you. I let myself get lost in fantasies of making you feel better. Fortunately for you and unfortunately for me, I got myself carried away.

We made a deal to not make things any more serious than they need to be. But it was an open-ended deal. And when things started falling apart, you conveniently forgot about me. Just when I was about to close the gap, you vanished. Without a word. And why should you deign to explain? You've done your job. I was but another one of your victims. I've been had. I've been used. I've been disposed of.

You guided me to this position. You led me into falling for you. You were the one who started calling me names. You and your sweet nothings, which meant nothing at all to you. And when it turned out that your mini-project that was me was a success, you dropped it and went to pursue another one.

We made a deal, that's true. But that does not give you the right to play with my feelings. With all that I've done for you, this was the least that I deserved. I wasn't expecting you to like me back, but I also wasn't expecting you to leave. Just like that. You made a show of not being a user. I did not think you were. I've always tried to find the best in everyone. But in the end, you turned out to be exactly that - a user. I thought there was more to you. But there was none. You were no one but a user, floating from one lucrative relationship to the next. Using one up and moving on to the next.

I wonder, have you had a relationship where you gained nothing more than love? I wonder, have you liked anyone at all for who they are and not for what they are and what they have? Have you ever really loved, or did you simply like to be the center of attention? When you were asking me what I was feeling, was it really concern for me or were you simply feeding your ego?

But I'm not angry with you. I don't have that right. And I don't really believe I knew you enough for me to be able to paint an accurate picture of your character. All these, they may all turn out to be just plain bullshit. I admit that.

That night will remain vivid in my mind. No matter how ugly it turned out to be in the end. It was a night when I remembered who I used to be. It was a night which reminded me that my heart was still capable of feeling something intense.

I was right when I told you that whatever happens, I'll be alright. And I am. It took me a while but I am.

I know you don't give a damn but I want to thank you anyway. Thank you for leaving before you can hurt me more. For killing my trust. For distrusting my instincts. For making me fall farther back into finding my way into love again. But most of all, for making me wiser.

When it comes to love, I have had a reputation of always being the loser. Of always the one giving his all yet always getting hurt. But I want to change that. I may have fallen flat on my face several times already. But I always get back up. And instead of the one who keeps failing in love, I want to be remembered to be the one who always gets back up on his feet again.

No regrets, my dearest Dorian Gray. If this was a game, you may have won. But you winning means nothing. Because I did not play the game.

Seryosohan

Magkukulong na lang ako sa kwarto ko. Hindi na lang ako lalabas. Hindi na lang ako makikipagkilala pa sa iba.

Ayoko na. Takot na ako. Masakit pala kasi talaga. Akala ko, kaya ko na. Akala ko alam ko na ang ginagawa ko. Marami na akong napag-daanan. Marami nang experiences. Akala ko kilala ko na ang sarili ko pero hindi pala. Kapag nasaktan ka, masakit pa din pala talaga. Parang first time lang din. Hindi naman nagbabago ng tindi.

Sabi ko sa sarili ko, ayoko na ulitin pa yung mga napag-daanan ko noon. Ayos na ang isang beses. Pero noong isang pagkakataon na hinayaan ko ang sarili kong maging vulnerable ulit pagkatapos ng mahabang panahon, saka ka dumating sa buhay ko.

Sabi ko, naiinis ako sa iyo. Kasi pinaramdam mo sa akin na pwede palang mag-exist sa mundong ito ang mga taong kagaya mo. Pinaalala mo sa aking ang dahilan kung bakit nga ba nakikipag-relasyon ang mga tao. Totoo ang sinabi ko sa iyo na minsan lang ako makahanap ng taong maraming kapareho sa akin. Madalas hindi ako komportable sa iba. Madalas limitado lang ang mga pwede kong maikwento. Pero sa iyo parang kaya kong lumipad. Kaya kong hayaang mabuksan ang diwa ko kasi alam ko na sa ganoong aspeto, pareho tayo.

Habang nakikinig ako sa iyo, parang nakikita ko ang sarili ko sa iyo noon. Akala ko baka makita mo din sa akin iyon. Na baka maisip mo na baka pwedeng mabago natin ang buhay ng isa't isa. Na baka hindi mo ako ituring na normal mo lang na ka-meet up. Bawal yun, alam ko. Masyadong mabilis. Sobrang bilis, pero kapag nasa ganitong phase ka, hindi mo naman talaga kayang pakinggan at pagbigyan ang sinasabi ng utak mo. Kaya ginawa ko ang hindi dapat. Umasa ako.

Pinipigilan ko lang ang sarili kong maiyak sa frustration nang una kitang mayakap. Alam ko naman kasing bawal ang mga ganun. Alam ko namang hindi talaga pwede at pinag-usapan na natin 'to. Pero kasi, unang beses ko lang naramdaman na ma-attract sa isang lalaki nang ganun katindi. At habang niyayakap kita nang mahigpit, hindi ko maiwasang maisip na baka ikaw na nga. Na baka tayo ay para sa isa't isa. Alam ko na, noong gabing iyon, na hindi na kita makakalimutan.

Ang hirap kasi nang hindi ko alam kung ano ba ibig sabihin ng mga kilos at salita mo. Ang hirap malaman kung alin ang totoo at alin ang trabaho lang. Sa akin, totoo lahat. Bawat kilos at salita. At yun ang dahilan kung bakit ako nasasaktan. Dahil hindi ko kayang magpanggap. Sa ilang taon kong sumabak sa pag-ibig,  hindi ko pa rin pala kayang hindi buo ang ibigay ko. Hindi ko pa rin natutunan iyon kasi ayoko. Ayokong makipaglaro.

Minsan gusto kong itanong kung ano ba talaga ako sa iyo pero natatakot ako sa magiging sagot mo. Natatakot ako dahil ayoko pa tayong matapos. Natatakot ako kasi baka hindi na ako makakilala ng isang taong kagaya mo. Ayoko kang mawala pero parang hindi ko kasi kaya na ganito ang sitwasyon.

Gusto ko na lang magmura dahil sana nakilala kita noon pa, bago pa mangyari sa atin ang mga nangyari nito lang. Hindi sana ako magkakaganito sa iyo.

Ayokong mawala ka. Pero kung nakikipaglaro ka lang pala, mas gugustuhin ko na lang na umiwas. Kasi hindi ako nakikipaglaro sa iyo. Alam kong sa atin, bawal ang seryosohan. Pero ang tingin ko kasi sa taong kagaya mo, ikaw ang tipo na sineseryoso. Kasi you deserve it.

I'm... sorry. Buo ang aking ibibigay. At buo rin akong masasaktan.

What Critics Say About "When to Surrender - The Night Album"

Electrique Album #24
"WHEN TO SURRENDER - The Night Album"
Released: June 12, 2011

01 Interpol - "Rest My Chemistry"
02 Rock Kills Kid - "Are You Nervous?"
03 Taking Back Sunday - "Where My Mouth Is"
04 Lifehouse - "Easier To Be"
05 Snow Patrol - "Run"
06 Skillet - "Say Goodbye"
07 Eve 6 - "Here's To The Night"
08 Linkin Park - "Burning In The Skies"
09 OneRepublic - "Marchin' On"
10 Foo Fighters - "Walk"
11 Yellowcard - "Life Of Leaving Home"
12 All Time Low - "Guts"
13 The Temper Trap - "Sweet Disposition"
14 30 Seconds To Mars - "Closer To The Edge"
15 The Killers - "Human"


It was fitting that Electrique chose to use rock music and to include its oldtimers like Lifehouse and Linkin Park for its farewell album. For those who have followed Electrique's six years of album-making, a nostalgia independent from the lyrics of the songs will come about - a reminder on what Electrique Music used to be and what it has become. 
- Uncut

"When to Surrender" did not have room for musical experimentation. It was all about the message this time, and the music needed to be the perfect vehicle for this and not an unnecessary distraction.
- Spin

An album of the moment. Its direct lyrics vividly bring to mind a farewell party, with friends (complete with teary eyes) toasting Electrique one last time. And as the songs play on, Electrique pulls you in through the music and gets you involved. 
- All Music Guide

Despite all the hype in the promotion of this album, there is a flatness to it. Not that the whole album sounds bad. Only curiously unremarkable. 
- Entertainment Weekly

The familiar bands from "Gun" and "Runaway" makes this weepy one-last-night soundtrack play on like a musical reunion of the artists themselves. A poignant touch to add to Electrique's very strong farewell message.
- The Quietus

What makes "When to Surrender" difficult to criticize is that it wasn't made to be an ordinary album. It was more of a message, a last farewell gasp, infused through songs. This earnestness in showing Electrique's love to its listeners somehow makes it exempt from extraneous analyses. 
- Consequence of Sound

From a straightforward farewell album, it progresses to challenge the very meaning of life itself, and ends with a question on what it really means to be human. A sweeping, apocalyptic epic of an album.
- Rolling Stone

Individually, the songs are almost mediocre when it comes to Electrique standards but "When to Surrender" is more than the sum of its parts. A powerful album which can make you want to weep or cheer in equal measure. Captivating and enduring.
- The New York Times

This is, in more ways than one, the embodiment of the spirit which has kept Electrique up and running through all these years. A vivid reminder of the reason why Electrique exists in the first place.
- Pitchfork


You can download this album HERE.

What Critics Say About "A Crowd of Others - Part 3"

Electrique Album #23
"A CROWD OF OTHERS - PART 3"
Released: March 14, 2011

01 Silversun Pickups - "Growing Old Is Getting Old"
02 The Big Pink - "Velvet"
03 Crystal Castles (feat. Robert Smith) - "Not In Love"
04 Stars - "Undertow"
05 The Hundred in the Hands - "Commotion"
06 The Raveonettes - "Lust"
07 Peter, Bjorn, and John - "It Don't Move Me"
08 The Tough Alliance - "The New School"
09 School of Seven Bells - "Half Asleep"
10 Scarlett Johannson - "Anywhere I Lay My Head"
11 Siobhan Donaghy - "Ghosts"
12 Ivy - "Nothing But The Sky"
13 M83 - "Coloring The Void"


In this last Crowd installment, Electrique timidly ventures into the otherworld where mood matters more than meaning. It uses sounds instead of words to evoke its desired effect in its listeners. Part 3 will produce almost the same impact even if the songs were switched to a different language.
- Q Magazine

Whereas the previous two parts were adamant and decisive in their themes, Part 3 is more reflective in nature. The sad thing though is in its cynical resolution of resignation. Despite the occasional pseudo-bright spots, there is a pervading theme of tiredness and hopelessness from start to finish.
- Absolute Punk

If Part 1 was about the distortion of meaning and Part 2 was a well-meaning narrative on love, Part 3 dispenses of meaning altogether. As the last song ends, one will be hard-pressed to answer what this whole 13-track affair was about.
- Mojo

As hinted by the album cover, "A Crowd of Others - Part 3" is more about textures than colors. With its combination of thrumming bass and unnatural synths, it invokes a three-dimensional and layered view on its sound. A quality which other Electrique albums have never had before.
- Sputnikmusic

It is expected that Part 3 will not receive a warm reception from its audience as Part 2 did. Its sound is too experimental, and its theme too immaterial for the masses. Electrique's music used to be about a matter of enjoyment. Now it's a matter of taste.
- Clash Music

As the Crowd trilogy closes, Electrique has proven, without a doubt, that it was ready to leave the trappings of pop music and enter the more satisfying yet more unpredictable realm of indie music. It was a wise decision. And about time, in our opinion.
- The Telegraph

Electrique was under a tremendous amount of pressure as to how it was going to perfectly cap the Crowd of Others trilogy. And it responded not by setting the bars higher, but by bringing it to another dimension altogether.
- BBC Music

At first listen, it will seem that Part 3's songs were picked up from the leavings of the previous two projects. Musically, this is the least cohesive album from the trilogy. And yet on hindsight, there is definitely something which holds this album together. A disturbing eeriness, an emanating coldness, an inversion which cannot be described properly into words.
- The A. V. Club

A psycho-thriller soundtrack, "A Crowd of Others - Part 3" has that rare ability to hypnotize its listeners. Whether into sleep or into the shadowy recesses of your mind is dependent on the listeners' maturity.
- Filter

It is remarkable how a deadpan sound can still evolve from black to gray to white and to colorless as the album proceeds. The casual listener will most probably fail to see any of these distinctions but to the more attentive and sensitive ones, Part 3 is a most rewarding, awe-inspiring listen.
- American Songwriter

It is only to those who are aware of the circumstances in which "A Crowd of Others - Part 3" was made will its theme and sound be fully understood. It was created with the belief that it was to be Electrique's last full-length compilation, and that explains its tangible earnestness to deliver well. It takes a few listens for it to completely sink in but you will realize that it did. 
- Pitchfork

The very nature of this album to escape comprehension is its strength. Electrique might call it an incidental occurrence, but it might also be a partially-realized yearning of the subconscious.
- All Music Guide


You can download this amazing album and judge it for yourself. Simply click the link below and enjoy!


A Crowd of Others - Part 3

Ang Usapan (Ay Usapan)

BABALA: Parang hindi angkop sa mga nakababata. Patnubay ng mga kaibigan ay kailangan.

***

Sinara ko ang pinto at hinarap ang kwarto. Maalinsangan. Mamasa-masa ang hangin. Siguro dahil hindi pa tuluyang nakakalabas ang kumulong pawis ng mga naunang gumamit nito. Well, wala na kong magagawa. Ayoko nang humanap ng iba pang kwarto.

Binaba ko ang aking bag sa dresser at lumakad ako papunta sa may paanan ng kama para buksan ang aircon. Pero bukas na pala. Sa init ng kwarto, ni wala man lang epekto. Hayaan mo na. Mamaya lalamig din iyan. Pumunta na lang ako sa banyo para buksan ang exhaust fan dun. Sana makatulong yun.

Umupo ako sa kama at nagtanggal ng aking sapatos. Nilabas ko ang aking cellphone mula sa aking bulsa at nilagay sa "General" mode. Nag-text ako. Numero. Binaba ko ang cellphone sa dresser, katabi ng bag ko. Binuksan ko na rin yung supot na naglalaman ng sabon, extrang kumot, at tuwalya. Kumuha ako ng isang twalya. Tapos nagtanggal na rin ako ng damit. Hinalukay mula sa ilalim ng isang side table ang mga nakasupot rin na tsinelas. Pati yun,mamasa-masa pa din. Napasimangot ako at medyo nadiri. Hmp. Hayaan mo na.

Nagpunta ako sa banyo at nag-shower. Masarap dahil mainit ang tubig. Maliit yung sabon. Medyo mahirap hawakan. Siguro dapat pinag-igihan ko ang paliligo para mamaya pero pumapatak kasi ang oras. Pero okay lang kasi maliligo naman ulit ako pagkatapos. Nang tapos na ako ay hinablot ko ang tuwalya na sinabit ko sa may tapat ng salamin. As usual, nag-steam na naman sa loob at lumabo ang salamin. As usual din sinulat ko ang salitang "Reason" dito. Yun din kasi yung ginagawa ko dati kapag kasama ko yung Baby ko. Dati pa yun. Matagal-tagal na rin.

Sinuot ko ulit ang aking damit at tumawag sa telepono. Nag-order ako ng isang bote ng Cobra. Kinuha ko ang yosi ko mula sa bag at nalaman kong wala pala akong dalang lighter. Tumawag ulit ako para bumili ng lighter.

Umupo muna ako sa kama at nanood ng America's Next Top Model Rewind sa ETC. Ilang minuto lang, may nag-doorbell. Sinara ko ang mga butones ng polo ko at binuksan ang pinto. Dumating na yung Cobra pati yung lighter. Abot ng pera tapos "No, keep the change." Kulay itim yung lighter. Cricket.

Dali-dali akong nagsindi ng yosi habang pinapanood si Tyra. Wala akong iniisip kundi ang kababawan pinapanood ko. Walang profound na mga bagay. Walang existential angas o kalunos-lunos na drama. Wala. Parang wala din namang bago sa kapaligiran ko. Parang nasa bahay lang ako.

Maya-maya pa, nag-text ka na. Paakyat ka na, sabi mo. Tumayo na ako mula sa kama.

Ding-dong!

Binuksan ko ang pinto at medyo nagtago sa likod nito. Nilingon mo ako at ngumiti ka. "Uy," sabi mo. Sinarado ko ang pinto. Sinarado lahat ng tatlong kandado nito.

Paglingon ko nasa kama ka na. Hinubad mo ang T-shirt mo pero na kay Tyra pa din ang mga mata ko.

"Ano gusto mo?" tanong mo.

"Ang gusto ko? Ang gusto ko ay manood lang tayo ng TV dito. Gusto ko lang minsan ipahinga ang ulo ko sa balikat ng iba. Gusto ko ng mga stress-free na usapan. Tawanan at lambingan lang. Gusto ko lang ulit maramdaman na may katabi ako sa kama."

Pero siyempre hindi talaga yun ang sinagot ko.

"Ang gusto ko? Ang gusto ko ay iparamdam mo sa akin na ako lang ang mundo mo. Gusto ko iparamdam mo sa akin na gusto mo ako. Yung bastos na klase ng gusto. Yung hindi ako teacher at hindi ka..."

Pero siyempre hindi rin yun ang sinabi ko. Actually wala akong naisagot.

"Ano?" sabi mo.

Tumango na lang ako dahil kinakabahan ako at ayoko magsalita. Pero wala na akong magagawa. Ang usapan ay usapan.

***

"Ano ba yang tattoo mo?"

"Snowflake."

"Ah. Ang ganda ng kulay. Bakit snowflake?"

"Umm... komplikado eh."

"Ano nga?"

"Basta."

"Ano nga?"

"Alam mo yung... Emergence?"

***

"My gifted chemist..." bulong mo habang magkayakap tayo. Masaya ako pero hindi ko pinapahalata. Masaya at kuntento. Swabe lang ang lahat. Halos perfect nga para sa akin. Pero hindi ko dapat ipahalata.

Hinalikan mo ako tapos hinigop mo ang hininga ko. May parang-plunger na tunog. Nahilo ako nang konti sa kawalan ng hangin. Ang hilig mong gawin yun.

Nilipat mo ang TV sa Discovery Channel. Hindi ko alam kung bakit yun ang napili mo. Hindi nababagay sa scenario. At dahil madaldal ka, maya-maya nag-uusap na tayo ng Chemistry. Ayoko sana nang ganung usapan pero parang yun talaga ang gusto mo.

"Alam mo, ang ganda ng mata mo," sabi mo. "Parang..."

Hindi ko naintindihan kung parang ano nga dahil ayoko makinig sa mga papuri. Ayoko ng masyadong mabait sa akin. Pero dahil ikaw yun, kinikilig pa din ako. Ayoko nang ganito. Hindi ako dapat sumaya nang ganito. Kasi wala na namang papatunguhan 'to. Ayoko nang ganito kasi parang... Parang totoo. Pero alam natin pareho na umaarte lang tayong dalawa.

***

Malapit na tayong umalis mula sa kwartong yun at niyakap mo ako nang mahigpit na mahigpit. Pwede sana akong magpakalunod sa sandaling iyon. Pwede ko sanang paniwalain ang sarili ko na baka ano nga... Baka pwede. May sinasabi ang mga tao na "the sex of their lives". Alam ko, noong mga panahong iyon na ito nga iyon para sa akin. Pero siyempre, hindi ko yun sasabihin sa iyo.

Nag-desisyon tayo na hindi tayo sabay lalabas para hindi awkward. Nauna ka dahil medyo gabi na din at may pasok pa bukas. Tumayo din ako para ako na ang magsara ng pinto. Para bang bisita kita talaga sa aking bahay.

"Bye, Sir," sabi mo.

Umupo ako sa harap ng salamin at nag-yosi. Wala akong nararamdaman. Walang bago. Parang wala lang talaga.

Tumunog ang aking cellphone. Nag-text ka.

"Thank you."

A Long Time Coming

A HISTORY OF INCONGRUENCE

In the post-college years of my life it had become more and more evident that I had been diverging from what society considers as the norm. This has always been a major source of frustration for me since, like most of you, I do have a longing to belong. This deeply established desire stemmed from my initial adolescent struggles against my impending homosexuality. I did not want to be considered a freak so I fought against it. All I wanted then was to find a girlfriend and settle and have a family. I did not want to be singled out, pointed to in the streets (in my mind it's KNL's) as a target of insults. I've cried myself to sleep so many nights, cursing God among many things for this confusion, until I learned better - that society is the one which is wrong in its standards.

This victorious but painfully earned acceptance of my sexuality gave me the courage to question other social mores (e.g. authority, aesthetics, hypocrisy, the meaning of life and death, and most recently, religion) and with the hundreds of hours of contemplation (over coffee and smokes and music) I've devoted to thinking about these things, I came to formulate my own rules. My own standards of living. It was during these years that I developed an autonomy when it comes to my own personal growth. I did not let myself be dictated by anyone. I jumped off the path everyone was taking and forged my own, regardless of the cost. I just shrugged my shoulders and told everyone that this was the way for me to learn.

Most of my friends only shook their heads at my folly, especially when they found me drunk or heartbroken or catching this embarrassing STD or failing at my academics. I had a very strong feeling that some of them were already thinking of me then as the embodiment of what would happen if you destroy your own life. And by looking at how stable they were in their own lives, how outwardly happy they were, I believed them.

Despite this, I struggled on with my own convictions. I just couldn't... change. I surrendered to my own instincts. I was out of control and I let myself be carried by the downward spiral I've set in motion for my own doom. I had this strong inexplicable desire to crash and let myself hit rock bottom because I was somehow excited at the prospect of that amazingly new experience. It is known that mostly, I've had a successful life despite all the odds I've had to go through. Whatever I did (or did not do), I somehow made it through and sometimes I even ended up on top of things. It was all too easy, I thought. I wanted to feel what it means to really work hard for something.

FIRST CONTACT

I had my academically-perverted wish fulfilled served in two tasty morsels. First, when UP kicked me out and second, when I failed my Compre (by a fingernail and an eyelash, how frustrating can that be?). I was like "Wow this is finally happening to me now..." That easy-go-lucky person who many used to look up to was now cast down, humiliated, and thrown aside as unwanted.

I will be a hypocrite if I claim that I enjoyed every moment of my downfall despite my "subconscious" desire for it. To be honest, those were some of the most trying weeks of my whole life. I didn't care much for my MS but I tearfully lamented for my post in UP. I lost my outlet to change the world. I lost the one thing which kept me going and I found myself restlessly pacing at the ruins of my supposed-to-be bright career, unable to move on and rebuild. I was clueless as to what to do next and you couldn't blame me since this was the first time that such a thing ever happened to me. This was the first time that I failed at something very big and life-changing.

But the good thing about all this unpleasantness was that I did receive what I expected to receive - knowledge. This year marked my biggest leap in maturity in life and love and my close friends (to their own surprise) can attest to that. I was able to channel these external negative energies in forging a better outlook in life. My vision was sharper. My focus never been clearer. It may have looked like this was a delay in my career growth but I know that in the long run, it is better to fail now than fail later when you are more or less, already cemented to a certain path.

THE TRIUMPH OF REASON

I have to mention that my conviction as an atheist was most instrumental in helping me survive this debacle. It opened my mind to this wider and more meaningful world view, and it placed my fate squarely on the palm of my hands and not on some imaginary being. This acknowledgement of the fact that I had no one to rely on but me inspired me to become stronger and wiser. Everything around me started making more sense once religion was out of the way. With reason and logic at hand, I understood more about myself than in all the other years of my life combined.

Atheism may have accelerated my growth as an individual but not without its own problems. It taught me how to trust myself and my own instincts more than the opinion of many, and this led to a lot of conflict between me and the world. Sadly, there was little my own set of values had in common with the rest. I found society shallow, dishonest, blind, and delusional. Many times, thoughts like these kept me up at night, occasionally bursting out of my mind as posts in Facebook. Atheism gave me an internal sort of peace of mind, but in dealing with the others? It almost made me tear at my hair in frustration!

With every single rational, logical concept or view summarily dismissed or refuted through flawed arguments by some of my peers, the rift between myself and the world grew more and more. I could not understand why they cannot realize what I have realized. Despite the levels of unease I may have caused, I kept on expressing my views because I haven't lost faith (pun intended) that sooner or later, some of them will have to acknowledge the truth in what I was saying. The truth will worm its way through their minds in one way or another. And even if they blocked themselves from my message, that act alone should ultimately lead them to question their own supposedly unshakeable beliefs.

SIGNAL FIRES

A minor personal enlightenment within this enlightenment was that I discovered how passionate I was when it comes to the things which I value. I did not care about the feelings of my religious friends because I believe that the truth is superior to their comfort, no matter how inconvenient it may be. When I post such things, I really am into what I was saying, and I have this sinking feeling that hundred of eyes are being rolled by my Facebook friends after seeing yet another one of my challenging views (they do seem to keep rollin' do they?). Many times, after spending another sleepless night spent reading on relevant articles about this, I realize that it is actually scary of me how I cannot let a topic go. Like a dog with a bone in its jaws, no one can make me let go until I've wrangled the life out of the argument.

Other than existentialist endeavors, I also realized that I've been spending a ridiculously large amount of my time on seemingly useless things like my albums, semender parties, and this blog. I knew that I was doing these because I have a very powerful conviction that I need to leave something behind for this world. Memories, happiness, recorded experiences, life lessons. My students are aware of this oh so very well. I have an overwhelming need to change the world for the better, and I kept pointing it out to my friends that isn't this just the way things should be? Isn't it spontaneous for everyone to try and make an impact? Why aren't you doing anything similar? Why aren't you doing your part?

ALIEN NATION

Things like these only emphasized how radically different I was to most of my friends (wider the rift). To my knowledge, none of my friends are as active as I am to such causes. Some are even indifferent. No one is as manic as I am when it comes to understanding one's life. No one was even entertaining the idea of making something out of one's own experiences. To each his own, they will tell me. We have different interests, they will tell me. Oh okay, I will reply. And so this leaves me with no one to share this overflowing force within me. I kinda kept it to myself because I don't want them to think me any weirder than I was. I felt like an alcoholic partyphile with his priorities upside down. A blasphemous social rabble-rouser. A hedonist freakazoid granted with impunity.

And there were times when this feeling of detachment reached unbearable levels (hence the title of my blog) that it was all that I could do to keep myself sane and functional and breathing. From my own set of values, it was all so very clear-cut and logical, but why do I feel that I am still wrong? Why was it that even after being enlightened, I returned to my initial state of being alienated? Why am I not getting the expected fruits of my ruminations? I'm convinced I got it right but it wasn't getting me anywhere but down. My life became a paradox.

To cope with this, sometimes I seriously considered that I was mentally unstable. Why not? I am suicidal. I cannot turn my mind off. Sometimes I cannot sleep no matter how exhausted I am just because my brain is on a high (like at this moment). I talk to myself in public. I'm too emo. I feel too much. I have grandiose ideas of myself. I'm a paranoid. I run away from problems. I don't know how to deal with some of them. And best of all, it runs in the blood.

This gave me the excuse and the release I needed. I behave like this because I'm insane, I told myself. I don't need to force myself to adjust to others. It was a delicate comfort to me, believing I was crazy, although it was debilitating and lowering. Still, I thought it was better than shamelessly squeezing my ass in a couch with no room for the likes of me.

AN UNEXPECTED ANSWER

And so time passed with me debasing myself as a threat to the people around me. I began to be seriously fearful for my own sanity and in my lowest periods I was actually wishing I could just call Dr. Del Mundo and tell her that sorry I couldn't go to work because I was raving mad after all and it was a wonder I held it in this long, really. Despite these episodes, days passed and I somehow found myself still intact. Since I had no one to talk to about my lunacy (even if I did, no one can give me a lasting comfort) I asked help from dear old reliable Google and read up on depression one fateful afternoon. I typed in my symptoms. I read on a lot of psychological self-help articles, expecting myself to be told to submit myself to the nearest mental institution. And then I stumbled upon this one article which seemed to describe me in unnerving detail. The frustration and the passion. Reason and emancipation. Creation and depression. It was a description of a gifted individual.

And I suppose you can imagine how I held on to that after contemplating the possibility of psychosis. Oh how I held on to that possibility, considered it my beacon of hope since it will explain so much about the things I have done and the things that were happening! Yes, the life of a gifted individual is far from being awesome. Like a sword, it can hurt the bearer too. But it gives me an overwhelming comfort that I was somehow right in the things I did. That step by step, I was following the path of a gifted individual all along. That after all this time of isolating my innermost psyche from most of the people around me, I was still understood.

Now I don't want you to think that I am bragging. It's actually a silly notion and it's best to disabuse you of that. To brag about being gifted is like bragging about having an acne-scarred face. It's like bragging about having an illness. It is a misleading name. Remember that I've been previously thinking of myself as a psychotic individual, most likely doomed to a difficult life. I just want you to be aware of how fortunate it was for me to be able to discover a better explanation other than dementia. From a liability, I discovered that I can be an asset to humanity. I wrote this not to exult, but to express my relief and awe on how it all fits. I just love that there are people out there who have suffered the very same things I've gone through. I love how we look at things from a similar point of view. It was all so refreshing, this sense of belongingness. It makes me feel connected to the world again. It helps me know that I do have a place in it.

Suddenly, all the blog entries I've made, all my shameless revelation of secrets became signs of a capacity to do wonderful works instead of the death throes of a wounded ego.

THE LAST PIECE OF THE PUZZLE

All things said, it isn't really important whether you believe whether I'm really gifted or not. That's not going to change my personality anyway. That's not going to make my life any easier and my objective was not to convince you anyway. But I realize that what matters more is how one chooses to view oneself. Maybe I fall into this category. Maybe not. All I know is that I've never felt more understood and I've never understood myself more. And if recognizing and accepting to myself that I just may be gifted will allow me to keep on living and lead a more fruitful life then why stop me? The whole world will benefit from it anyway.

Still, I know that my depression will return. My frustration with the world, dark moments of existential angst, hopelessness for humanity, my never-ending struggle to make a change - all these things will recur to cause me strife in the future. It will never really go away. But at least this time around, I know that they're but part of the package I have to deal with. I know now that they're to be expected. And now I can focus more on getting more out of my life and transforming my dreams into reality.

Come to think of it, haven't I been doing that all along?

Electrique Album #26: "Drifter" Now Available!

Electrique's 26th compilation, "Drifter" is finally here! Click on this DRIFTER LINK to download this amazing compilation of songs. On this latest effort, Electrique perfectly evokes the coldness and isolation of the heart as painted using a synthpop palette of songs. Featured artists include Depeche Mode, Hurts, VNV Nation, Dangerous Muse, De/Vision, Monarchy, and more! This album contains 13 songs with three bonus tracks, as well as Electrique's most inspired album art to date.

"Another creative, thoughtful, and fully-realized addition to Electrique's roster of albums. "Drifter" is a worthy followup to the smashing success of "Icarus", and proves without doubt that even after 25 albums, Electrique still has much to offer its avid listeners. But above all, what "Drifter" has proven to its audience is that it was able to transform a simple hobby of making mixtapes into a form of art."
- Arbyn Arschinti, Wizarding Wireless Network

I Love You... Girl

Every now and then I still come across women who kindle something more than friendship in my heart. I realize this when thoughts of them come unbidden to me at night, with me struggling to get a hold of my senses and not do anything about what I was feeling. It's not a sexual thing, mind you. It's more of an outburst of affection. And as the world knows that I'm a big fan of free expression, you can just imagine how it feels to have these... urges and not be able to do anything about them.

You see, courtship is more or less a natural thing for me. I have wooed women's hearts before (truth be told, I was actually more successful in that) so I know exactly how it feels. Since I was hindered from showing what I was feeling, I poured out these tendencies by getting myself lost in fantasies of surprising this girl with flowers or just doing something unexpectedly sweet for her. I imagine her just resting her head on my shoulder with me holding her hand. I imagine myself being her stronghold - when things around her fall apart, I'll stay and she can put her woes down on me. There were even times when I almost did do something about it, but luckily, I was able to desist that urge, changing my mind at the last minute.

To be truthful, I am not really worried that I would be caught. I mean, at this stage in my all-out war against homophobia, who would even dare to claim that I'm developing feelings for a girl? I actually use my gayness as something to hide in because sometimes I slip and I do something extra special for these women which I never do to my other female friends.

It is a shame, really, because these women are worthy of a man's adulation. I suppose my being gay allows them to put down their guard when I'm around, unexpectedly showing me their true personalities. Maybe they forget that I am still partly a man.

It just hit me earlier that if I were straight, I'm quite certain I won't be single right now. Not because I can't live without a relationship, but because of the sheer number of amazing women who surround me in my life at the moment.

Despite my exaggerated gayness in the virtual world (yes, I do exaggerate), there is still a small part of me which regrets that I was born this way. I just think that things could have been more smooth sailing in my life. Maybe I'd be more self-disciplined. Maybe I'd be more normal. Maybe I'd even be married by now.

I have long accepted the fact that I really am more inclined to having a relationship with a man. It's just more convenient for me. Finding the right guy may be more difficult but a boyfriend makes me feel more... complete. Still, there are times when I wish that I was straight. Because who knows, I might just be able to give these girls the happiness that they deserve.

Ang Takbo ng Mundo

Medyo may tama na siguro ako. Mga 20%.

Tumayo ako mula sa aming mesa at kinausap ang isang babaeng waitress.

"Hi, okay lang ba padagdag pa ng table. May darating pa kami na mga friends."

"So mag-oorder pa kayo ng isang pitcher ng margarita? O ano, isa pa..." tanong sa akin ng isa pang waiter. Yung bading na waiter na friend na namin.

Inisip ko ang perang laman pa ng aking ATM. Inisip ko na paparating ka na. Hindi naman masyadong matagal bago ako nakapag-decide.

"Okay, isa pa. Sige," sagot ko sa waiter sabay ngiti. May tama na nga siguro ako. Mga 21%.

Nag-dagdag na ng isa pang mesa yung babaeng waiter. Inayos ko ang mga upuan.

"Okay, dito siya uupo ha," sabi ko habang inaayos ang katabi kong upuan. Tinabi ko sa upuan ko nang todo hanggang magkadikit na yung dalawang upuan. Natawa na lang ako sa sarili ko.

Maya-maya dumating ka na. Una kitang nakita dahil sa puwesto ng upuan ko. Matagal-tagal na din pala simula nung huli tayong nagkita. Kinabahan ako.

So hayun umupo ka na nga. Doon sa tabi ko dahil wala na naman ibang available na puwesto. Saktong masaya lang naman ako. Kontrolado pa naman kahit na hindi pa din kita masyadong matingnan. Parang high school lang ang drama. Tinawaga ko ulit ang waiter at nagpakuha ng mga extra na baso. Serbisyong totoo lang. Dinahilan ko na since ako naman ang nag-invite, responsibilidad ko na i-entertain ka.

Tuloy ang inuman. Saktong inuman lang at hindi naman talaga masyadong nakakalasing yung mga iniinom natin. May isang beses na binara mo yung joke ko. In fairness, effective naman. Na-impress ako actually.

Maya-maya nag-aya na sila na lumipat ng ibang bar. And for the first time (in so very long) pumayag ka din na sumama pa din. Naalala ko yung mga araw dati na ilang beses kitang ininvite pero may conflict palagi. Hehehe. Ayos lang iyon. Ganun talaga.

Sumakay na tayo sa kotse at doon ako umupo sa harap. Kunyari spontaneous lang pero by sheer force of will ko kung bakit nangyari yun. Hahaha.

Umandar ang sasakyan at nagtatanong ka sa akin ng directions. Masaya ako nun. Saktong saya lang naman. Yung tipong masaya na tinatandaan ko ang bawat detalye ng mga nangyayari noon. Siguro gusto ko lang may balikan akong masayang eksena sa utak ko. Alam ko kasi na matagal-tagal na naman siguro bago kita makita ulit. Minsan natutupad din naman pala ang mga simpleng pangarap natin sa buhay.

Kumain muna sila sa Ministop. Tinanong kita at sinabi mong hindi ka naman nagugutom. Natatawa ako sa sarili ko dahil parang sugar daddy ako sa concern. Hahaha. Ganun talaga. Alam kong corny ang lahat at nakakatakot slightly. Pero ganun eh, wala na akong magagawa kung ganito ako. May something pa din talaga eh. Hindi ko yun kayang ikaila.

Maya-maya andun na tayo sa loob ng bar. Hindi tayo magkatabi. Okay lang kasi kinakabahan ako. Baka kung anong maisip kong gawin. Na-realize ko kasing ngayon lang kita na-"solo" in a way. Masaya ako. Pero kinakabahan din.

At go, todo sayawan na. At doon talaga ako na-impress sa iyo. Na ang saya mo sobra kasama kapag sayawan. Hindi ko talaga inexpect yun kasi alam ko namang hindi ka lasing. Napahanga mo ako doon. Bukod sa game kang kasama ay magaling ka din pala talagang sumayaw. Masaya ako noon dahil alam kong nag-eenjoy ka.

Minsan nga halos tumigil ako sa pagsasayaw dahil parang suryal ang mga nangyayari. Ang saya ko lang na andun ka. Ang saya ko lang na andun ang mga kaibigan natin. Na sa sobrang boring ng sembreak ko so far alam kong yung gabing iyon ang magiging highlight. At para sa akin, ikaw ang highlight ng gabing iyon.

Dumating yung time na nagsayaw tayo at tayong dalawa lang. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang iniisip mo nun. Hanga ako sa iyo dahil alam mong may something pero chill ka lang. Enjoy lang. Hindi mo ako iniiwasan or anything. May gusto sana akong sabihin. May gusto sana akong gawin. Pero isa lang akong malaking torpe pagdating sa iyo. Hindi ko talaga kaya. Hindi ako makagalaw.

Iniisip ko na wala naman sanang masama talaga pero pinapangunahan ko ang lahat. Ayoko kasing... mapasama ka. Ayoko din sigurong mapahiya. Ayoko din sigurong lumayo ka or anything. Na-trauma na ako sa ganun eh. Kaya siguro okay na 'to. Masaya na ako sa ganito.

Lumalim ang gabi (actually, ang umaga) at medyo napagod na din tayong lahat sa walang humpay na pagsasayaw. Lumalarga na ang ibang tao sa bar. Naglilibot. Kinabahan ako. Pero hiniling ko na sana hindi na maulit yung nangyari last year. Saktong isang taon na ang lumipas simula noon.

Dapat talaga nag-aya na akong umuwi dahil maya-maya nangyari na nga ang kinakatakot kong mangyari. Kinakantyawan ako ng mga kaibigan natin. Tumitingin sila sa akin habang nangyayari ang lahat at naulit na naman ang naramdaman ko noong isang taon. Ang sakit. Parang literal na kinukurot ang puso ko. Dinidikdik. Pinapaso. Bakit ba kasi kailangang mangyari ang lahat sa harapan ko di ba? Bakit?!

Hindi ko na kinaya ang lahat at lumabas ako para mag-CR. Lasing na ako. Mga 80%. Nahihilo ako at nasusuka na. Gusto ko na lang dumausdos sana sa sahig pero naka-autopilot kasi ako. Ilang minuto akong nakatulala sa CR at nakatingin lang sa inodoro. Nahihilo ako. Torpe. Tanga. Talo. Naisip kong nasa toilet bowl ang puso ko. Tapos... flush.

Bumababa na tayo at napansin kong masaya ka. Parang kinikilig ka pa nga. Pinipilit kong maging masaya din dahil masaya ka. Pero ang hirap pala, lalo na't yun ang dahilan. Bumigat bigla ang ulo ko. Buti na lang kaya ko pa ring umarte kahit konti. I'm fine. I'm fine!

Sana kasi, ano, may karapatan din akong pasayahin ka kagaya nung nagpapasaya sa iyo noong mga oras na iyon. Sana kaya ko din. Sana ang basehan na lang ay yung kung ano yung nasa loob ng puso. Sana yun na lang ang nakikita at hindi yung panlabas. Pero wala eh, hindi kasi ganun ang takbo ng mundo. Ganun talaga at hindi ko kayang labanan iyon.

Alas-sais na nang makarating ako sa kama ko. Pagkatapos ko magbihis ay derecho lugmok ako sa mga unan ko. Naiiyak ako na ewan. Pero hindi para sa iyo kundi para sa sarili ko. Kinuha ko ang fone ko at nag-text ako. Lasing pa din kasi ako kaya pasensya na kung may nasabi akong hindi dapat nasabi. Medyo wala ako sa sarili. Lasing pa ako. Mga 10%.

Nanaginip ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano nangyari exactly sa panaginip pero ang naaalala ko nandun ka. Pero paggising ko, magaan na ang pkairamdam ko. Okay na ako. Parang may na-realize ako sa panaginip ko tungkol sa atin, kahit na hindi ko na maalala kung ano yun exactly ngayon. Ang weird pero basta ganun.

Nag-reply ka. At natuwa ako dahil sa tingin ko naiintindihan mo ang nangyari. Tama lang ang sinabi mo. Tama lang talaga. Salamat sa pag-unawa.

Binaba ko ang celfone at napangiti. For the first time, may happy ending din na nangyari sa araw ko.