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I am feeling quite bad right now. I dont like how my life keeps going on in circles. Still, God (ok I admit it) gave me this chance to become normal, and yet what am I doing with it? Am I throwing it away? Am I wasting this chance to be who I want to be?

Why am I fighting who I really am? Why should it be harder for me? Is this how my life should be? Efforts, pretensions, looking away from what I really want? Why cant I make it work?!

It is driving me mad! I hate it. I hate it when I hurt the people who loves me most. I hate it, I do! But its at the expense of my own being. I could have kept it to myself and everything will still be normal now, but whats in store for me then? Can I be strong that long? Can I stand fighting myself?

I keep asking why I cannot be fully happy. Is it really me or am I just looking at the wrong people? Why shouldnt I finally accept that what should not be is whats really in store for me? Is this my fate? To be left of the middle? To be damned, cursed, humiliated?

Struggle struggle everyday. I am trying to be okay. In the end, it all comes down to this. And even if it hurts me now, perhaps this is the only way to make me finally happy. Really happy with everything.

Maybe I should just let go and try liking it. Face it. This is my life. This should be where I am headed.

Sometimes, I feel like that I should just die. Kill myself. I am denied things which is nothing for most. They take it for granted. What are high grades compared to this? Nothing! It doesnt count at all!! And some people envy me. I envy all of you!

I want to go home. And hug my mom, and cry on her shoulder. I will ask her why life is harder for me. I dont think she will fully understand, but it would be a comfort just having someone to cry to.

I hurt too. But I have to know. I just have to know...

I woke up this morning
Now I understand
What it means to give your life
To just one man
Afraid of feeling nothing
No bees or butterflies
My head is full of voices
And my house is full of lies

This is home

I found your standing there
When I was seventeen
Now I'm thirty-two
And I can't remember what I'd seen in you
I made a promise
Said it everyday
Now I'm reading romance novels
And I'm dreaming of yesterday

This is home

I'd like to see the Riviera
And slowdance underneath the stars
I'd like to watch the sun come up
In a stranger's arms

This is home

I'm going crazy
A little everyday
And everything I wanted
Is now driving you away
I woke up this morning
To the sound of breaking hearts
Mine is full of questions
And it's tearing yours apart

Tearing yours apart...