Bad Teacher

Today, I went to the College of Science Recognition Program for the University and College Scholars. I was a marshal (together with LE), and at the same time, an awardee. I was not really proud of it since I was only a College Scholar on the last sem of my undergrad college life.

Somehow, I hate it when I am around people who are smarter than I am. Especially those blasted University Scholars. Well, I used to be one of them too...

Perhaps some people might be annoyed about how I disregard my intellectual honors. I am sorry. I am not being cocky. You see I am not even the best, so what would I be cocky for?

I dont know... For me, it is not really that important whether I manage to get good grades or not. I think there are more important things in life than having a good academic record. I once told my 28.1 class that. Despite everything that I have, I feel empty. It is not because of my religious beliefs (which is about zero). Something more than that. Something more intimate. Something more personal than religion. And someday I will figure everything out then I will be completely happy.

All this is about saidin and saidar. To have saidin's power, you have to fight it all the way, otherwise it will consume you. You have to force it to do what you want it to do. For saidar, you have to let go of yourself. You have to be the calm riverbank, controlling the river, guiding its flow. You have to surrender...

Still, I am happy that I have this brain. It made my college life easier. I know, there are a lot of people like me out there. People brainier than me, therefore, I just wont talk about this.

My mom came with me to share the honor of the occasion. I am happy that I make her happy in some ways. However, it is depressing when I think about how I support my family financially. My dad doesnt have a job, and they scrap a living by selling turon and banana-Q and others.

I wanted to give them more money but I just dont have enough. My salary is not enough. I have my own expenses to cover. I rent, I pay for laundry, I buy my own food and other necessities, I had to go to the movies once in a while, I had to drink once in a while, and I had to buy smokes. I am not spending as much as I used to. I am trying to save but I dont have enough to save... Well this is turning out to be a depressing topic. Wanna talk about something else?

Okay... I am here in the faculty room. Instead of checking papers, I am taking a break writing this blog entry. I had to smoke before I got here. I was with my mom remember? So I cannot smoke while she was around. She knows that I smoke but I dont want to remind her. She is worried about my health (which as you can see, is not in the best of states.)

I think I am addicted to smoking now. I cant last a day without lighting some cigs. Its not that I really enjoy smoking. It seems like something that I had to do, like the urge to pee, for instance. You dont relish peeing, dont you?

I like trying different brands of smokes once in a while. My staple is Marlboro Lights. Its like my cigarette rice. Its easy to get and is cheap. Ive tried Gudang too. I dont believe that it really contains marijuana. Its a kretek cigarette! Thats all. And Im not addicted to it.

Ive also tried Black Bat. I dont like it. It just looks black, but otherwise, it tastes just like mild Gudang. I like West Ice, and sometimes, I like to try the fruit-flavored ones from Peel and DJ Mix. I really like Capri! I know its a woman's cigarette, but I really like how thin it is. You hardly feel it on your lips. It is like your sipping on nothing.

Winston Lights is okay if I cant find any Lights around. If Im bored with my Lights, I buy Reds, but I dont last long with them. I try Menthol once in a while too, but it is not my first option.

I like to drink too. I like feeling drunk. But perhaps that is for another blog entry. Which reminds me that I am going to my former student, Adrian's birthday party this afternoon. Perhaps Id drink there. I will be going with some of my other students too. It will be uncomfortable if I am the only one who will drink (while the rest of them sip tea and eat crackers?) I hope they would drink too, even just a little... (Bad teacher!)

Bad Teacher, what nice words. In fact, I already typed it as the title of this entry. I am a bad teacher. I am not your goody-two-shoes prof. I drink, I smoke, I dont check papers in time, I say bad words in class, etc. And yet, I love my students. I love teaching. What a combination! I wont change. This is what makes me me.

A normal entry. Typical of me. I should end my entries with my favorite word - capital M, capital E - ME!