The Bus

Friday, a few minutes past 7pm, I was climbing up the Philcoa overpass, carrying a heavy backpack full of CD's, tapes, and papers I need to check, and a plastic bag containing other personal stuff. I was desperate to go home. I just wanted to have a change of scenery for a while. To escape from this mess that I have made of my life.

As I came to the other side, where the buses going south pass, I saw him.

I knew it, I thought. I knew something like this would happen today.

Apparently, he was on his way home too, from the size of his bag. He rode a bus and without thinking, I followed him and got on the bus, too.

He did not notice I was behind him. When he turned to seat himself on an empty three-seater seat, he finally did.

I sat beside him. My mind surprisingly blank. I never even looked at him as I sat down and arranged my things, but I realized I was sweating a lot for a properly air-conditioned bus.

He stood and tried to go the center aisle but I was on the way. "Please stay," I said. "I just want to talk."

He did not seem to hear me, and insisted on me getting out of the way for him. How can this have happened to us? I thought. Doesnt he remember who I was before it happened? "Please."

Reluctantly, he sat back down. "Look," he said impatiently, "I have made it clear that I do not wish to speak to you again. Will you leave me alone?"

Shocked silence. The bus conductor approached us, carrying the tickets. "We will pay later," I looked up and told the conductor in an unsteady voice. The conductor looked at us for a long while before going back to the front of the bus.

"Are you angry with me?" I asked him, almost in a whisper.

"You are annoying me. Just let me be!" he said.

"You did not answer my question..."

"Yes. Very! Now please, if you dont want me to leave, go!" gesturing with his hand. "Find some place else to sit."

I did not move. He made a frustrated movement and said something inaudible. I was momentarily afraid of him.

"Why? Why are you angry at me? Was what I did wrong? Shouldnt I have told you?" I asked him, keeping my eyes on the vandalisms in front of us.

He made an impatient noise, and looked outside through the window.

"Listen," I said, "I do not have feelings for you anymore. Can we at least be friends? Be civil, like what you said? I do not like all this hostility."

Our eyes met briefly, and he immediately looked away. He was still angry. "It doesnt matter what happens today. Whats done is done. Why cant you leave me alone?! Dont tell me you miss me! You do not even know me that well! Its your problem, not mine, and I will not do anything to make it easier for you."

"I did not imagine you would turn out to be this bad." I said ruefully after a while.

He simply looked outside again through the window. "I am not.." he began, but he did not finish what he was going to say.

I looked out through the same window, and found that we were approaching a convenient place I can get off to. "Do you have any parting words? I will get off at ______."

"Good luck," he said suddenly. "To your career... And to your life. I did not mean to hurt your feelings."

"I know, I understand. You've told me that," I replied coolly. I glanced at him, and he seemed to be thinking, his head bowed. I decided to push my luck.

"You know what, you have never been really away from my thoughts. You were always under my skin, all this time. I couldnt think of why it was so. Perhaps that is the reason why I cannot shun you from my thoughts - I cannot understand why it happens in the first place," I chanced another look at him and he still looked like he was thinking, if a bit bored.

"But despite all that, I did not love you. I never did..." I continued. At that time, I felt a terrible sadness come upon me. "I wasted my feelings on you. I stayed in there longer than I should. Longer than everyone would have stayed. I do not know why I did that... if I really did not love you." The bus stopped.

"Or perhaps I am just a fool," I added to myself as I stood up to leave. I handed some money to the conductor without waiting for change before getting off the bus. I did not wait to see the bus move on. I walked away from it.

I stopped and stood on the sidewalk waiting for another bus, reflecting. Not really seeing the buses passing by. Not really trying to read where they were going. In my mind, I kept on repeating, "I will never see him again. I will never see him again..." Over and over in my mind. And despite myself, I stole a last long look at the back of the bus where he was, sitting comfortably, looking on the other side of the street. Perhaps already thinking about more important things - things that really matter to him... Things that will not make him angry, or at the least, things that will make him feel good.

Despite my control on myself, not minding the other people waiting, I shed a tear, right there on the sidewalk. "For the things I do not fully understand," I said, smiling, as I wiped my face with my hankie.