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I blog because I want to let things out. Sometimes it works. Sometimes, after I blog, I feel myself emptied of bad feelings. Like a pensieve. Removing memories I want to forget. For a while at least.

I talk about things which I consider important. I talk about life. I talk about my falls, my recovery, my confusion, my experiences - fun and bad. I talk about my thoughts, my beliefs, my opinion, my strengths and weaknesses.

In this way, I am able to isolate a part of myself and preserve it. Like a picture, I am storing memories as much as I can while I can. I like to look back at what has happened to me. At what I was before. I observe my cockiness, my pessimism, my misery, my elation, my life from a distance. Like I am reading about the life of another person. Someone I am acquainted with. Someone I thought I knew and yet is still full of surprises, not all good.

If I were another person, I would hug myself and cry. I will not say anything. I will just look into my eyes and try to find what is wrong. But is something really wrong?

One night, I went up to the rooftop. It was an eerie night. The sky was red, and stars were few. I sat on a chair and tried to think. I go up to the rooftop not because I want to smoke. I go up there to think. And so I thought as the smoke swirls in tendrils around my hand and face.

I thought about the existence of God. I thought about the reason for my existence if I am going to be thrown into hell anyway. I looked back at my life. How everything is changing fast. What you believed was true can change. What you believed will disappear is just hiding from a corner. Waiting to come back at you when you thought you have forgotten.

Despite all this negative energy around me now, I like how I am. I like how I get to look into my life deeper than I can at any other circumstance. I like how problems are able to reveal a part of me one at a time.

I need to go, too.