Biochem 3

Sana teacher na lang ako forever. Sana wala nang ibang aspeto pa ang buhay ko kundi yun na lang. Kasi kapag nag-aalala ako sa grades nila or kapag kino-comfort ko sila or kapag effort na effort ako magturo, nakakalimutan ko yung sarili kong buhay. Na kapag hot na hot ako bilang passionate teacher, somehow nagiging sapat na iyon. Hindi ko na naiisip na malungkot ako sa bahay. Hindi ko na naiisip na mag-isa pa rin ako hanggang ngayon.

Masarap yung feeling na na-aappreciate ako ng mga students ko kahit papaano. Minsan kapag ganun, may moment na feeling ko sapat na yun for me to go on. Yung noble happiness churva na yun. Nararamdaman ko yun minsan. Pero kasi paglabas ko ng classroom or paglabas ko ng school I'm back to being just "Bry." At kahit anong focus mo sa pagtuturo hindi ka naman magiging focused dun all the time. Haharapin ko din ang mga personal kong problema.

Sana ma-stuck na lang akong teacher. Sana ma-lock yung room tapos "Sir Bry" na lang ako forever. Kasi kapag "Sir Bry" ako masaya ako. Minamahal ako. Na-aappreciate ako. Kasama ko yung mga mahal na mahal kong students na kung pwede lang hindi na kami maghiwalay pa. Pero heto iiwan na nila ako. Ga-graduate na sila. At heto umiiyak nga ako ngayon kasi alam kong sobrang mamimiss ko sila. Na akala nila petiks lang ako on the outside. Puro patawa lang. Puro bitchiness lang. Pero deep inside nagpapanggap lang din ako.

Bakit kasi kailangan pang matapos ang mga bagay-bagay sa buhay ko? May darating. Tapos ma-aattach ako. Magiging friends ko sila. Tapos aalis na din. Aalis na. Tapos ako naman 'tong si tanga na nagpaka-attach kasi. Sana lagi ko na lang silang kasama. Sana may Biochem 3. Biochem 4.

Kasi bakit ako na lang lagi ang naiiwan? Puwede bang may mag-stay din for me? Kapatid ko. Mga ex ko. Mga kaibigan ko from UP. Ngayon mga AdU students ko. Sana lagi na lang kaming magkakasama... Sana may mag-stay din kahit minsan lang sa buhay ko.

Paano na ang soulmate kong si CJ? My one and only Mars at si Nuydy? Si Hard (now softer) Sheryl and Aki went to market? Paano na si Bebe? My Ate Mikko? Si Anton na parang reincarnation ni Jamila? Si Roy na nahihiya pa din sa akin at si Gui na never naman nahiya? Ang maliligayang moments ni Ate Joyce at Kuya Kenneth? Si Apol (na hindi pa din sumasama sa amin) at lalo na si Pards my new best friend?

Ayoko na di na ko makasulat iiyak ko na lang muna siguro to...

High Horses

I am aware that there are moments both here and in the real world when people can get really annoyed with me because I seem to act like I'm superior to others. My atheist posts in Facebook for instance. Or the way I talk in class sometimes, when I think that a particular lesson is easy or when I'm haranguing my students about their absymal performance. Or when I'm criticizing someone or something, I tend to go overboard sometimes. I acknowledge this imperfection of mine and in my defense, all I can say is that if someone were to point these out to me and I acknowledge that they were right, I would humbly apologize. Or maybe just apologize. Humility might be beyond me at the moment.

And I suppose this irritating characteristic of mine is what makes my haters so satisfied when I've stumbled on yet another challenge in my life. It's another vindication for their way of life. A score for them. For their religion. For their obsession with material things. For their chastity or for their homophobia. For their privacy. That everytime I fall they couldn't help but feel some ghoulish delight because I've always carried myself on this high horse. I've always been so full and so sure of myself. So confident in my convictions. That try as they might to deny it, some of them couldn't evade the fact that they feel happy that I failed.

I do try to make an effort to keep my criticisms light and funny so it wouldn't seem as if I were deliberately looking for a shouting match but I suppose my sense of humor is just too transparently acerbic that the sharpest of them can see that I'm shamming. That through this veil of politeness, I still look down on them. In some cases, perhaps, I am wrong to do so, but I still firmly believe that in most cases, I'm merely exhibiting the logical reaction. There is only so much tolerance I can give for deliberate stupidity, for example. I'm not vying for a halo, so if I were to frown at people persisting on being idiotic when you've done your best to make them understand then I suppose that doesn't really make me evil.

Some of my friends have gotten around again to considering that I need their gods back into my life. I can all but see their thoughts saying "This is all happening to him because he has no gods." And I know they only mean well but that was a facepalm moment for me. They really do not understand atheism. As if I would go back to believing in gods just to make myself feel better? As if belief is volitional? It's tough to get by on your own without any deity to "lift up" your woes to and I do give religious people points for that because shirking off responsibility is such a lifesaver but for us atheists, you couldn't just go back to mythology whenever you feel it's convenient. That's simply not the way it works. I appreciate it, but no thanks.

It is true though that some of the hardships I'm dealing with it were caused by me rejecting religion. As Jesse Ventura said, religion is a crutch and of course I fell when I let go of that crutch. And the reason why I'm having a lot of difficulty now is that I'm trying to stand up on my own. But religion isn't the only crutch I've let go of. Social conventions. Expectations. Norms. I've let them all go because I learned that I must develop my own philosophies. I understand that some people (I expect that they are not very many) have done the same and are doing much better than I am. Well, I never claimed to be the best at this anyway. I may actually be lagging behind but maybe the next time you consider pitying me you think of these factors too.

Come to think of it, many of you are up on your high horses too. You may not be as flashy as I am, so the public may not be as aware of it but in your head you might be looking down on me too. Maybe we're all on the same boat after all. I look down on you and you look down on me too.

But the thing is, we both know that there's a higher state than this. A more enlightened state when we could jump off our high horses and let go of our crutches so we can learn to stand on our own feet. We're both not there yet, but at least have the decency to recognize that you are on crutches too. That pretend as you might that you are stable, you are also sitting smugly on your high horses. Because you know, how can you really stand up on your own when you're deliberately blinding yourself that you're propped up?

I'm in the mud now, I know. It is sad that after many years of exploring, I am still lost. And I acknowledge that I'm possibly the laughing stock of the batch. But it's fine because I am laughing with you too. The sadder thing though is why you had to laugh at me in the first place. Sad not for me, but for you.

Whose high horse is higher now then?

Oh well. On hindsight, it doesn't matter much. We're still both on high horses. Or maybe thestrals are a better analogy. Some can see theirs. Some can't.

Fun

It was early morning and we were out on the streets. He was drunk and he had his arm over my shoulder. I was supporting him. He couldn't walk straight. I didn't know where I was so occasionally I had to rouse him up to ask him where to go next. I was drunk myself but my concern for him sobered me up. It wouldn't do me good to lose my wits in that place. I didn't know anyone there, not even the guy I was with.

Our bodies were really close together, mine and his. It had been some time since I had been close with anyone in that way. Publicly, at least. And since the streets were empty, I could look at him without tripping or bumping on anything. And I saw how attractive he was from that angle. So I stole a kiss from him while he wasn't looking. And I thought he wouldn't notice from the way his legs were crossing while he was walking but he looked at me and he smiled.

"Do you want to go home?" he asked, his voice hazy. "I don't want to go home. Where do we go next?"

"I don't know," I answered. "I don't know this place."

Soon, we passed an unlit part of the road and he pulled my shirt up. He placed his hands inside my jeans while we were still walking.

"Not here," I hissed, half-laughing half-panicking. "Not here, we'll be seen."

And I tried to grab his arm to pull it away even though I was excited about the prospect myself. But it simply wouldn't do to do it then and there. We have reached a busy road and though it's late, there were still the occasional cars. And the occasional security guards on the villages we were passing.

It took a surprisingly short time to reach the main road where he hailed a jeepney. I still did not know where we were going but he seemed to be sober enough to tell the driver our destination.

My date was sitting too closely and he was leaning on me and I knew the other passengers of the jeep couldn't fail to notice that we were together. I tried to look at how they'd react but they looked too tired or too drunk to care. He felt nice beside me and I realized that I was happy to have him there with me.

We got off at an intersection and I still did not know where we were. He pulled me to this apartelle a few meters away from the road. I told him I did not bring a lot of money with me but he told me not to worry. From the practiced way of how he was leading me on, I felt that he had been there many times before.

We paid a room for two hours and when we got inside it he immediately undressed and he took a shower. He was wearing nice underwear I noticed and it made me conscious about mine. It was a measure of how unplanned it all was that I wasn't wearing my sexytime undies that night.

After my turn in the shower I found him sprawled on the bed with only his underwear on. He seemed to be sleeping. But of course, we did not go there to sleep so I got on top of him and kissed his neck. And that roused him up nicely.

And then we got undressed and when he saw me he was impressed and he said that he wanted me to fuck him and I got scared. He asked me why and I told him I'm no good with that and that I don't really like penetrating I like to do other stuff and he said okay. He asked me if I wanted to be fucked and I said no right away and I was thankful he didn't push me like the others did. But he asked to be fucked again and I desisted again. Yet still he persisted and he coaxed me and enticed me by asking me wasn't he hot and didn't I want to feel how warm he is inside. Wasn't he a catch? Wasn't he? Wasn't he?

And so I tried and then I was there and he kept asking did it feel good and I said yes although it did not really feel that good but what was I to say? And I kept on at it even though I didn't want to anymore and though I know his body was hot enough for me he was still nobody. And my sweat was starting to drip down on him and it was no good but still I went on though in my head I apologized to all of my ex's though I did not really understand why.

The he asked me whether I was close because he said he was and I told him to go ahead because I was far from being close but he told me no, let's go at the same time but I said no go ahead and finally he did and I was thankful it was over. Then he said it was my turn so I did the things I like to do but I still had trouble and I did not understand why but then the phone rang to tell us that our time was up.

He was still on the bed and he told me to be quick about mine but I said no it was okay we had to go get ourselves clean now and I thought it was strange that he was sad about it though he already came. He stayed on the bed and asked me one more time to go ahead but I said no, it was okay.

We went out of the building arm-in-arm and it felt strange to still find him that touchy after. He didn't really care whether we were seen and finally I had to go remove my arm from his shoulder because dawn was approaching and there were more people about. He didn't remove his arm though.

We stopped on a street corner to smoke and he asked me whether I liked him. And I said "Like you in what manner?" though I know what he meant. And he said, "No you don't like me" but I said I did but he answered "You don't like me enough."

And you'd expect me to pounce on that moment, the hopeless romantic that I am, but I did not because I just thought it was much too early for love and that we simply had fun that night.

We stood there for a few more minutes, with him doing most of the talking. He kept asking me to take care of myself because he was not going to text me anymore. He looked at me carefully to see whether I was hurt but I told him I was no innocent and that I understood.  "You think this was my first time?" I told him, smiling. And that shut him up nicely. "But you can visit me in my shop if you want," he added. "You know where I work now."

We reached the part where he can ride a jeepney home and after we said our goodbyes he added, "You know, tonight was really special." But I cut him off by snorting involuntarily and he sounded a bit hurt when he softly said "You don't believe me" but I said nothing to that because it was all becoming too confusing with him and his mixed signals.

I watched him walk away and when he glanced back I waved one last time. I stood there watching him longer than necessary. I know now that I shouldn't have but at the time it felt like the right thing to do.

I crossed the street and I noticed how I could still smell him on me. That brought a rare smile to my face but then I remembered that was always the case when I've been with someone and I was reminded of how long I've been doing this.

The sky was beginning to lighten when I got home and as I sat on the couch to take off my shoes I realized that I was missing him already. And that simply wouldn't do. I shouldn't be clingy.

And it was just for fun.

Just for fun.

A week after, I finally thought it safe to text him again.

He did not reply. And I thought that he probably did not even save my number.

It was just for fun, I reminded myself.

Just for fun.

Pila Balde

Nagtatagay ako sa sahig at naka-upo siya sa sofa.

"Pwede bang tumabi ka sa akin?" sabi niya.

"Shot mo na," sabi ko, sabay abot ng baso.

"Ayoko na."

"Ok," at tumabi ako sa kanya. Nainis ako nang kaunti dahil ayaw na niya uminom. Wala pa sa kalahati yung laman ng bote. Nagsindi na lang ako ng yosi.

"Gusto kong subukan," sabi niya.

Alam ko naman ang usapan namin pero naisip kong baka hindi na niya ituloy. Ako kasi, okay na iyon sa akin na may kausap. May kasama lang. Kasi sa totoo lang, hindi ko naman siya ganun ka-type. Hindi lang sa itsura niya. Pati sa ugali niya. Medyo delayed ang development. Yun pa lang fact na virgin pa din siya hanggang ngayon, nagsabi na sa akin na hindi ko siya pwede maging boyfriend. Magiging teacher ako nito.

"Subukan ang alin?" tanong ko.

"Ayoko palampasin ang chance."

Naintindihan ko siya kasi pinagdaanan ko na din iyon dati. Kahit na medyo huli na, at least gusto niyang makilala kung ano talaga siya. Hindi nga naman siya makaka-usad sa buhay niya hangga't hindi niya nalalaman.

"Halika, yakapin mo ako," sabi ko.

At nilagay niya ang braso niya paikot sa likod ko. Nilapat niya ang kamay niya sa hita ko.

"Okay lang ba?" tanong niya.

"Sige lang, ikaw bahala," sabi ko sabay hithit ng yosi. Tinaas ko pa ng bahagya ang mga braso ko para mas madali para sa kanya.

"Heto na," sabi niya. "Anong gagawin ko? Hindi ko alam. Nanginginig ako."

"Chill ka lang," sabi ko.

"Okay lang ba talaga? Nahihiya ako eh."

At naintindihan kong hindi kami uusad kung hindi ako ang magsisimula. Pinatay ko ang yosi ko sa ashtray at hinalikan ko siya.

Hinalikan ko siya na parang gusto ko siya. Hinalikan ko siya na parang sabik na sabik ako. Inisip ko na lang na sana mapasaya ko siya. Na sana maging mas memorable ang first time niya. Kahit na wala talaga akong apoy na nararamdaman. Sige lang, trabaho lang. Bayad na naman ako, kung tutuusin.

"Gusto ko pero kinakabahan ako. Patayin mo na lang yung ilaw," sabi niya. "Baka may makakita sa atin."

At sinunod ko na lang ang gusto niya.

Humiga siya sa sofa at hinila niya ako sa ibabaw niya.

"Alam mo konti na lang, mahal na kita," sabi niya.

Lalo tuloy hindi ko siya nagustuhan.

Hinahawakan niya ang mukha ko. Hinalikan ang kamay ko. At kahit na matagal na rin na panahon ang lumipas since may gumawa sa akin ng mga bagay na iyon, nanguna pa rin ang pagtataka kung anong nakikita niya sa mukha ko at hinahaplos niya ito. Kung anong meron sa kamay ko at bakit niyayapos niya. Dapat inenjoy ko na lang siguro. Pero kakaiba lang talaga yung pakiramdam na gusto niya ang katawan ko.

Pagkatapos, naupo na siya ulit sa sofa. Umupo din ako pero hindi sa tabi niya.

"Pawis na pawis ka," sabi niya.

Tumawa na lang ako. Naalala ko na lang na lahat naman ng mga nakasama ko sa kama, alam ito tungkol sa akin.

Nilagay niya ang kamay niya sa hita ko habang pinagmamasdan niya yung mga nakasabit na larawan ko sa sala. Yung mga diploma ko. Yung mga kung ano-anong certificates.

"Anong iniisip mo?" tanong ko.

"Ikaw," sabi niya.

At nakita ko sa kanya kung paano pala ako sa ibang lalaki na gusto ko. Kasi yun din ang sagot ko kapag tinanong nila ako. Na-guilty ako. Alam kong gusto niya ako. Hindi ko na lang siya tinitingnan. Mahahalata ako.

Tumayo siya at sinabing aalis na siya.

"Hindi na ako nakapag-gitara," sabi niya. "Next time na lang, kung iimbitahan mo ulit ako pumunta dito. Pero tingin ko hindi na. I feel it in my bones."

"Talagang in my bones ha?" sabi ko. Pero hindi ko dineny na hindi ko na nga siya papapuntahin.

Para siyang lasing habang hinahatid ko siya dun sa sakayan ng tricycle. Alas-dos na pero ang ingay pa din niya. Buti na lang marami ding tao sa labas nung gabing iyon.

Pagbalik ko sa bahay, hindi ko muna pinansin yung fone ko kasi hindi ko alam kung ano ang isasagot ko kapag nag-text siya. Hindi ko alam kung ano ba dapat ang gawin. Magiging mabait na lang ba ako? Subtle ko lang bang ipaparamdam na ayoko na siyang makita? Na wala kaming future together?

Lumipas ang isang oras at pinulot ko na din ang fone ko. Ineexpect na magtetext siguro siya pag-uwi niya. Nag-aalala din naman ako kung safe ba siyang nakauwi.

Pero hindi na siya nag-text.

At iyon. Ganun lang. Ganun lang ang kalakaran ng mga buhay namin.

Tinext ko na lang yung kasunod sa aking listahan.

"Hi, si Bry to. Binigay mo yung number mo sa akin sa... Kelan ka free?"