As a compromise, I've talked my superior into changing my teaching status into part-time next semester, assuming that I will go back to UP for my MS. I did this partly because my work is stressing me out. And partly because I just feel the need to escape from this system somehow. And that's why I've been raving out my plans of becoming a part-time barista and my training to be a DJ in Facebook. But these are not mere noises, mind. I am dead set on these things. I have submitted my resume to Starbucks and is currently practicing being a DJ (I'm starting with a relatively simple software) on my spare time. Which makes me think now why is it that when it comes to things like these, I can discipline myself but when it comes to my MS, I somehow cannot?
I've been thinking about these things earlier and though I know that starting from scratch (and in a completely different field too) will be extremely difficult, but somehow, I don't mind. In fact, I'm quite excited about this prospect of laboring and working my way up again. I don't know. When I said I was sick of this system, it turns out that I really was and I do not want anything to do with it anymore. I want to wash my hands off it.
Now of course, I acknowledge that from the perspective of the majority and of the practical, my plan is foolhardy even at its best. Why the fuck would I throw everything that I have now away when it all it takes is a few more months of toil and I just might finally clinch that required graduate degree? Why throw away this chance of stability over a seemingly whimsical and risky endeavor? What the hell is wrong with me?
You see, this reaction comes from having the same view as the majority. And as I've demonstrated many times, I don't follow such conventions. I don't want it. And I'm only forcing myself to get what the others want me to have. So in the end, I don't get out of my way to grab it. I don't make an effort. Not because I'm lazy. But because I simply don't want it.
I've said this many times before and I'm saying it again - I'm not living for careers. I live to find meaning. For life itself. And I know it sounds vague and pretentious for the normal person but really, we can go and have a conversation about it and you will see that this is not all fluff and nonsense. I've really thought it out and this is the way I want to live.
I want to be a barista because I want to seek balance in my life. Being a teacher (and a celebrated one at that) tends to overinflate my ego (if it hasn't already) and I want to keep this swelling of my head down to manageable levels. I want to learn humility. I want manual labor. I want to know how it feels to serve. My first year of teaching people older than me had been calling me 'Sir' and had been giving me respect I didn't really feel I deserved at such a young age. And it goes on up to now. Teachers are always respected. I know that we should be but I'm talking about my personal growth. It just isn't very healthy to be unduly respected all the time.
I want to be a DJ because I want to put my creativity into good use. As of now, they're dripping out of my system in the form of my mixtapes and my blogs and my other minor side projects and these are all very well since at least, I am able to let them out but I think it's high time for me to channel these urges into something more productive. I've always had good sense when it comes to music. And I love it so much I cannot just stand still and limit myself to appreciating it. I've tried my hand on playing instruments and I realized it's too late for me to become a passable musician. So being a DJ gives me hope. Maybe here, I can use this musical talent. Coupled with my love of dancing and playing loud music and parties and pleasing the crowd, I couldn't see anything more perfect for me other than to be a DJ. It fucking fits. It just fucking fits me.
These new interests give me life. They refresh me. And goodness knows I'm drying out. I need some vitality to keep me from being stuck in a depression. I need these things. For me to appreciate life more.
But my MS degree? Whenever I think of it, it never fails to sour my mood. It's a burden. It's a requirement for me. Not a passion. And it isn't like I need this degree to prove myself. Because the way I see it, this whole system seems like an extended version of high school. I think that I've reached the point when I don't need to prove myself anymore. I don't need these degrees or titles to make me happy. I've somehow grown beyond these things and now I'm running after the things which for me are more important.
It's just too bad that I have to give up teaching for a while. But it isn't like I'm closing my door on it forever. I just need to breathe. This year, I want to do things for myself. I have served eight fucking years and I deserve a break. I know that after a period of not teaching, I can really evaluate whether I'm dead set on being an educator. I think I caught it too much too early. I need a pause. I need to rethink. I need this break from my routine.
And I also need this break for me to clear my head so I can write better. I still haven't given up on this dream also. I need to widen my experience so I can write about more things. I want to do odd jobs so I can further develop my character.
I can already imagine how it would be if I get lucky in this new direction. I'll be going home, tired from my shift. I'll face my laptop to write a bit, letting my mind wander inside a rented room in a dingy city. On some nights, I might get a DJing gig and I'll be off to this bar. And I'll go home, a little tipsy and really happy. This is how I imagine my life to be. Not the conventionally boring one. I want a dynamic life. An artist's life. Not a scientist's life. Oh how I want that so bad.
That kind of life? That's home for me. That's what life is for me.
The Road Not Taken
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
-Robert Frost
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