Forever Young

I find it funny that I'm writing this in the wake of my attempt to sequester some poison from the laboratory. It was right there in my hands, a kilo of it, crystalline and white, and all I had to do was scoop less than a handful, stow it away in a vial in my pocket, and move away while no staff was looking. But in that moment, I was paralyzed. I was half-laughing with confusion, to be honest, holding that bottle with slightly trembling hands. I knew then that I would be sealing my fate if I went on with my plan. And I realized there in the laboratory storage room, under those tired-looking fluorescent lamps, that distinct lab odor of various chemicals and with only the whirring of the exhaust fans to break the silence, that I was not ready. That no matter how much I have contemplated of killing myself, I still haven't thought it out thoroughly enough. And this makes me ashamed of myself somewhat.

I learned that it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. Hours before that, I realized that to commit suicide, you must turn off both your brain and your heart. You must not think. You must not feel. You must be a cold automaton to be successful. It must be a decision made in cold blood. And perhaps at that moment, I wasn't feeling numb enough. So I failed. Though I did note the exact shelf where that bottle of KCN lies for future reference.

I do not really understand why I get these urges. Sometimes at night, "I want to die" will suddenly play on repeatedly in my head. And it is all that I can do to keep myself on my bed, tossing and turning, knowing that the moment I got up and really did something about it, it might be my end. And it doesn't matter whether I had been particularly sad or happy that day. I could have had the worst day possible yet I wouldn't feel suicidal. There are triggers to it, that's true, but it isn't as obvious as "having problems" or "feeling sad". I've come to the conclusion that most likely, it is something in my genes which makes me have thoughts like these. In fact, I'm getting this feeling now that I've lived past my supposed death date. It's crazy I know, and I'm doing what I can, but I'm not sure whether trying to stop these urges will really help at all. It might be making it worse, for all I know.

The night before last I was making the artwork for this album. And I was browsing through my pictures, looking for suitable ones to be representative of what had gone on for the past four years and what I got from looking back at those events was amazement. From where I am now, I couldn't believe what I had accomplished just a couple of years ago. Look at those semender parties, for instance. I couldn't believe that I've really made them happen. Who I am now seemed but a faded relic of the storm I used to be. I made waves. I was a force. But now I've lost them all and I'm down in the dumps more often than not.

This album chronicles the best and the worst years of my life. And although it is mightily embarrassing to make a case study of oneself and promote it, I'm pushing through with this because like what I've said in a previous post, it is a life all the same. I might have been wishing for my own death for years now, but while I'm alive I'm really alive. And you can almost feel the passion oozing out of these songs. Think Tom Riddle's Diary. Really, these songs are my essence. It's Sir Bry 101.

I'm sharing this album for several reasons and to reiterate one of those, it is in the hope that you might learn something from what happened to me. We go crazy with books and movies, especially those that touch us so why don't we learn from the lives of our own real friends right? I can't make a book yet, much less a movie, but mixtapes are within my current capabilities so this is what I do. The songs might not be mine, but the way I compile them makes a work which is bigger than the sum of its parts.

This is not an attempt to glorify myself even if it does seem that way for those people who don't know me well. I keep putting my images on my albums simply because I do not want to be forgotten. If you doubt me, then let's have a chat about it. I can't explain further here. The universe knows I have had enough of unwanted attention.

I'm going to claim that "Forever Young", personal bias included, is my best album. And it should be, given that it's a compilation of the best songs I've found for the last four years. My first 4-year greatest hits album "Dusk at Red Island" (released last May 2009) focused more on love and my tumultuous relationships. And it's interesting that here in "Forever Young", my paradigm has shifted to more meaningful things. How I've established my identity. How I've started to make a change. Much deeper musings on love, life, and death. Others may claim that their best achievement for the past years had been graduating from grad school, getting this house or car, or finding the love of their lives. But for me, this album is all I have to show. It is the wisdom gained. The experience. The lovers. The friends. All here in this 80-minute album.

May you have an enjoyable ride through time with me while listening to the music here. This is my life I'm sharing here with you, and from a fellow human being, you couldn't ask for more.


Love,
Bry

Here is the link:
Download "Forever Young" HERE

I've fixed the link above. It now links to Hotfile. :)