David

David is my brother. He's my only brother. He'll be 19 later this month. He's staying with my parents. He's not studying. He's staying at home, doing nothing very productive. He doesn't have friends, except perhaps for my mom and dad. He doesn't go out of the house without my parents. He doesn't go on errands. He can't be trusted to stay at home alone.

He slouches when he walks. His mouth is often left open, gaping at whoever he creases his forehead at. He eats messily, and he eats a lot. He's becoming quite bigger lately due to lack of exercise. His voice is like a young annoying child's. High-pitched, and whiny. Sometimes, he speaks words which doesn't make sense. Most of the things he does doesn't make sense. He throws tantrums when he forgets to take his medication.

It's been nine years since I first heard that my brother is going crazy. What we first thought was just a nervous breakdown turned out to be the beginnings of schizophrenia. I've heard of the term, but at that time, my idea of the disease is limited to its criteria. I looked it up in my dictionary, and saw its layman's definition- a psychotic illness characterized by... I stopped reading then. Surely, the doctor got him wrong. My brother? My best buddy is psychotic? No way.

No way indeed.

He shouts so loudly we had to close the windows. The floor shakes when he stamps his foot. When he's in a fury, he could hurl the TV at us. At times, we really had to tie him up. He hurts my dad, my mom. He hurts me, too. Physically and emotionally. Talking him out of it is useless. Threatening him is useless.

Some nights, we get no sleep at all. Just as were about to fall to sleep, he talks. He whines in his irritating voice. He pokes us until we're awake.

He threw my watch, tore my books. He threw my walkman on the floor and it broke. He bent my eyeglasses. He scratches my arms with his fingernails. We fight. We fight a lot.

During those times, it is hard to feel sympathy for him. It is hard to think that this... cruel monster... who's always causing us misery used to be my brother. He used to be David.

Oh the times when we were playing as kids! The times when we talk about childish stuff late at night inside our room. The times we used to tickle each other breathless. The times he used to tease me. Nobody can tease me like he used to. Nobody can and nobody ever will!

Oh David, do you still remember me? Do you still remember your kuya? Do you still remember the times when Mom scolds us and we find our only solace with each other? Do you remember how I fought against those who were bullying you in school? Do you remember Leanza? Calabasy? Hazel, the small perfume bottle I found outside the hospital? Do you remember our make-believe world? Do you remember the fights we waged against Black Master? The marble tournaments? What about Lego? What about cars? What about everything that we've shared?!

David, ibang-iba na si Kuya... Miss na miss ka na niya. Siguro kung normal ka, itetext kita... Sasabihin ko, "Oi, musta na kayo diyan? Musta na gf mo? Kayo pa ba?" Siguro sasabihin ko, "Itigil mo na yang pag-inom" o "Gago! Mag-condom ka ha?"

Pero ngayon, anong nangyari sa atin? Pag-uwi ko, gusto mo lang ako umalis dahil pinapagalitan kita. Pag-uwi ko, sinusungitan lang kita dahil ayokong ipakita kahit sa sarili ko ang laki ng pagkawala mo sa buhay ko! Ayokong isipin na sa isang iglap, naging parang "only son" ako. Ayokong ipakita na nawalan ako ng kaibigan. Nawalan ako ng kalaro, kasama... Nawalan ako ng kapatid!!

David, tulungan mo si Kuya. Kailangan ka niya ngayon... Kailangan niya ng makakausap at makakaintindi sa kanya.

David, kapatid ko... Bakit mo ko iniwan dito mag-isa? Bakit nagpa-iwan ka sa ating gawa-gawang mundo? Ayaw mo na ba tumanda kagaya namin? Ayaw mo na ba habulin ng problema?

David, kung nasaan ka man ngayon. Kung saan mang state naiwan ang iyong utak. Sana di mo malimutan ang mga pinagsamahan natin. Nung mga panahong bata pa tayo, at walang bahid ng kasamaan. Doon ka lang, huwag ka na babalik dito dahil magulo dito. Iba na ang buhay kapag tumanda ka. Mapait, masakit, nakakaleche ang totoong buhay. Huwag ka dito.

Ngayon, walang magagawa ang mga salitang ito para baguhin ang sitwasyon natin. Kahit ilang beses akong mag-sorry at mag-i love you sa iyo, hindi ka na babalik sa katinuan. Hindi na kita makikitang nagduduling-dulingan. Hindi ko na maririnig ang panunukso mo. O ang tawa mo na nakakaasar. Tapos na. Wala na.

Binabalikan ko na lang ang mga panahong iyon sa aking isipan. Binubuhay ko na lang ang mga panahong masaya ako dahil ang mga nakikita ko ngayon - sirang ref, wallet niyang wala nang picture ko, fone na walang message, isang picture sa bag, usok ng yosi - ang mga bagay na ito ay nagdudulot sa akin ng kalungkutan. Kaya't mabuti pang balikan na lang ang mga bagay na parang fairy tale na lang. Yung mga panahong ang mga problema lang natin ay nawawala si Green 2, o brownout at hindi tayo makapanood ng Dragonball Z.