Lasahan Mo 'To

Sometimes, I wonder why I keep on fooling myself - like I'm just forcing myself to go with those on the other side. After all this time, it still feels unnatural for me. Where do I really belong? Where should I look?

It's tiring. I don't like being single anymore. I haven't had that many relationships before, but it feels like when you've been in one, you want to jump into the next at the soonest time possible.

Tomorrow, I was supposed to meet this friend. A new friend, someone like me. I tried to help him out of the same experience I have gone through last year. He was supposed to thank me in a quite unconventional way (I wouldn't tell you what it is, but you could guess.) And now... I don't think his plan would push through. I am beginning to think it never will.

And the sadness I'm feeling now is because of that?

I still remember the times I was with her... Even through the rough times, I've never felt this bad. There's a switch somewhere in our brains, I think. A "relationship" switch, which, even though you are not aware of it, prevents you from feeling too much negativity. Your brain knows that in the end, there is someone you can go back to. Which leads me to the next topic...

She is moving out of my life... figuratively. She is moving out of our house.

Damn! I didn't think it would hit me this hard!

Well, all of us have to leave something behind in order to put things back in order. But I don't know... I've been living with her for a year now. It wouldn't be easy going through life without her. It will never be the same...

I was a fool to let her go, I realize now. I was the biggest fool. Who would love me as much as she did? Nobody. I will not find anybody else who will accept for everything that I am. She accepted every stinking inch of me whole-heartedly. She went through all the hell I gave her, and she stayed still. She loved me still. But what did I gave her in return? What did I pay her back with all the good times we've spent together? Still more hell!

Our breakup wasn't really that final. I still get to see her every day and night. We are sort of still together. But now... Now she's leaving! For good.

I believe in fate. I believe things happen for a reason. I believe that I have to be whole first. That I have to explore all my sides before I can even think of settling down with someone. I have to accept all the consequences of my past decisions. There is no other way for me to live this damned life I have. Yes, reader, "damned" is the term. I've looked through the good and the bad of it, and it's still a damned life.

I need to see someone who will make me realize that my life is lovely - that it really is worth living.

God! Sometimes I feel like giving up on me. Why do You have to do this?!

Haaay sa totoo lang sawang-sawa na din ako sa blog na puro kadramahan ang laman. Gusto ko na din magsulat ng blog na kung saan ikinukwento ko na ang saya-saya ko. Na kinikilig ako sa pag-ibig. Na kahit ano pang ibigay sa aking problema ay makakaya ko dahil kasama ko ang isang taong gusto ko. Gusto ko yun... yun lang naman ang kailangan ko ngayon...

Gusto ko munang magpahinga. Gusto ko munang tumigil sa pag-iisip ng mga ganitong bagay. Bakit ba kasi masyadong active ang utak at puso ko? Na hindi ko kayang hayaan man lang ang mga nangyayari sa buhay ko na wala akong ginagawa. Na hindi ako curious. Na hindi ako titigil hanggang sa naintindihan ko lahat-lahat tungkol sa mga nararamdaman ko. Na hindi ako titigil sa pagkilos hanggang hindi ko nakukuha ang sagot.

Ngayon, medyo naiintindihan ko na kung bakit ako nahihirapan. Hindi lang dahil sa identity ko, dahil kung ganun man, bakit ako lang ang nagblo-blog tungkol sa ganito? Dahil din kasi sa ugali ko na gusto kong kilalanin ang sarili ko.

Iyon yun. At siguro, kung hindi ako nag-blog ngayon, baka hindi ko maiisip yun.

Hehe naisip ko lang about this blog thingy. Para kasing gusto kong ibroadcast sa inyo ang mga naiisip ko. Dahil ba para magpasikat? Para maging proud dahil kahit papaano hindi boring ang buhay ko? Siguro nga... pero bukod dun, I want to make a difference kasi. Kahit papaano, through my blogs, I am able to change the world a teensy weensy (n times) bit.

Yun nga, kasi ayoko nang wala akong ginagawang makabuluhan about this world. Nabubuhay ako hindi lang para sa akin. Para sa ating lahat, kaya't kung ano man ang maicocontribute ko na feeling ko ay makabubuti sa atin, ginagawa ko.

Sus, ijustify daw ba ang pagbloblog... Hehe. Gusto ko din kasi talagang maging isang writer kaya heto, pinagbubuti ko ang aking munting column - ang "One Tree House."