Who I Need To Love

Tonight I feel an infinite sadness. Infinite? Perhaps not. This kind of heartache, I have learned, doesn't last forever. Time heals all wounds, they say, but knowing that doesn't make things easier.

I am sad, because thinking of losing someone I have learned to be fond of is... excruciating. I don't know. I have allowed someone previously unconnected to me in any way to know me. Know my thoughts and what I do. Either the real me will lead you closer to me or will push you away. Either you realize that we have a chance or will make you see that our worlds are too different.

This blog entry may even be baseless, for all I know, but sometimes we have an inkling of possible things that might happen. And I am just steeling myself for that. I am preparing myself for another blow, so that when it does come, I'm already numb. Well, no matter  how I do prepare myself for blows like this, it still hurts. I've learned that last year.

I just don't want to be hurt anymore right now. I've been through quite a rough ride this past few weeks, with all the exams, the getting-to-know-myself phase, the getting-to-know-others phase, work, stress, stuff, and all others... that I feel that I wouldn't like to be on the center stage of God's training exercise for the present. I want to be excused for a while, go to the loo, and throw a splash of water on my face. I want to feel something nice which would last. Something I've tried to look for but have only found in dreams.

And should I still search after God has taken this away from me? Should I keep the hope I'm holding in my hands from vaporizing into despair and loneliness which would smart me in my face? Should I continue? Should we continue? Should I turn my face on the wall?

It's nice to be given encouraging words by friends. I appreciate them a lot, but they're just like candies, like food. Because life doesn't stop from giving its share of bitterness, and some time after, my supply of candies run out.

I need help, I told you that before we got deeper with each other. I need you to stay with me. Help me find myself, because the pain I feel is eating me from the inside.

It's nice to hear from my friends that the right person for me is waiting out there. That love will come. That I'm too young to worry about these. But that really isn't the problem. What's wrong with me is me! I can't understand what this fucked up body of mine wants. My heart, my brain, my body is pulling me in different directions! I want them, to please, coordinate themselves. For once, point in one direction so that I can finally move on from this phase of my life.

***There will be times when I'd look back at these entries with a smile on my lips and a sparkle in my eye. There will be times, when, in the future I'll be reading back on my entries, pondering why I was such a heartbag before. Laughing at how melodramatic I have always been. But I know that for each entry I have written here, I have encapsulated a part of myself. Trapped it. Caught it, feel it and be enchanted by my own heart. Marvel at the workings behind my own mind so that, in that indefinite future time, I will finally learn to love myself.