The Blacksmith's Hands

It is more difficult for folks like me to find somebody new. Especially, since one of my requirements is discretion.

"There are a lot of them in UP," Jewell said, as she sipped her iced tea and placed it back on the table. "But if you're looking for discreet ones, they'd really be harder to find."

"Yeah," I added. "They don't walk around with signs you know. Like 'Hey, I'm avaialble' or 'I wanna go out with you'."

I placed my cigarette on my lips and sucked the smoke into my lungs. I looked at her, and I added, "I want someone younger than me. Like with ***. You know, it would be like drinking from the fountain of youth..." I smiled and winked. Please excuse my language. At that time, I was already a bit intoxicated with gin pomelo.

She smiled, and said, "In that case, you have to support him financially."

I nodded and said thoughtfully, "Yes. You're right. But my salary isn't enough though..."

Jewell then went on about telling a story about this really good-looking guy he knows, whose education is being supported by an older man. I thought inwardly, and realized that I may do the same, if it turns out that I cannot find nobody to suit me.

"You know what," I confessed to LE and Jewell. "My problem is that my standards are too high! I mean, look at me. Am I fit to demand for what I want? Will it be a fair bargain?"

Given the parameter that it is very hard to find somebody like me in a typical setting (like how boy meets girl), how do you proceed to finding someone new?

Esme, my high school friend once said through YM, "You try *********.com. My gay friend goes there and look at the papas he gets. My gosh! I don't even have a boyfriend yet, but he...!"

So I did try, but I found that I did not like it.

I have another confession reader. I am a bit hypocritical about how I deal with homosexuals. You have heard me abuse those who look down on the third sex people. You have heard me call you to open your minds about issues like these, when deep inside, in my very own soul, I am also biased. I'm partially biased.

When I see gays trying to dress like women, my initial reaction is disapproval and dislike (unless they are really gorgeous). I have more respect for gays or biusexuals who act like straight people. I mean, they were born as men, why not act like men?

I am very aware (sometimes, more than I would like to be) that I am effeminate in some of my actions. If I dislike that in other people, how much more to myself? So, can you see how much I love myself already?

Once, I went to this kiddie party (I was in elementary school then) for my cousin. Like in most parties, there was someone doing the video coverage of the whole thing. When I got to watch the video and saw myself playing with the other kids... Hell! I acted so gay! I didn't know that before. I was so depressed after that, and until now, there are traces of that shame in me.

That's why I walk awkwardly, because I am trying to walk how straight people walk. I bow my head when I walk, not to look at where I am stepping on, but because I am ashamed of how I act. I wear my eyeglasses lowered because I don't want to see the sneers of people who dislike people like me. I don't want to see their expressions - their ill-meaning expressions - whenever I pass by where they are. I let my hair grow as long as I could, because I want it to cover my whole face, my whole personality I am so ashamed of!

So this is God's Plan for me, ain't it? This is HIS GODDAMN PLAN to make me go through all of this.

If that is so, I will get through these issues within me. I will not give up. I am given these problems because I CAN handle them. And I will. Nobody else can!

My fondest dream would be to go back to the people who has degraded me before. The people who laughed at me, who looked down on me. I will go back at them to show them how much I  have changed - physically, emotionally, and sexually. I will show them how their insults helped me be the one I am now. I will show them what they would never have - a character forged strong and true by hardships only I have ever went through!