Shots

I couldn't help but think that Superman and I have something in common (and no, I'm not going to say we look alike...) We are both sad. I mean, he saves the world and everyone but I wasn't able to feel that he was happy doing it. He didn't even get Lois Lane to be his wife. Sigh... We, who are given great power, have great responsibilities as well... (It may sound ridiculous, but it may be interpreted in other ways.)

However Superman had a son, while I...

***

Sometimes, fate has a way of arranging things to a nicety. For instance, yesterday I went into a motel for a taste of fornication, and today, I was summoned to go to church.

Of course, it wasn't of my own volition to go to church. It was Rhods who invited me. And so I found myself, sitting on a cinema chair, wondering whether the preacher really looked at me when he said the word "pig."

***

Last night (the night after the motel thing), I had trouble getting to sleep. I was sufficiently tired (I wasn't able to sleep much the night before because of too much excitement) but still, I couldn't turn my conscience off. I also had sudden qualms of a queasy stomach whenever I remember what I just did. It made me want to puke. I'm not lying, I swear I almost did do it when I was near the sink.

***

A slight movement woke me up from my fitful sleep. I looked at the time - 5am. It was July 1. The day I was to go to the motel with someone. I couldn't get back to sleep once my mind realized what was going to happen in a few hours.

The radio was turned on. She left it on, and it was playing nice early morning music from WRock. I closed my eyes and listened to the radio, trying to get back to sleep to forget about what was to happen. But it was an impossible task. The repercussions of what I was about to do will drastically change my life forever. Who could get back to sleep knowing that?

As I was turning these thoughts over in my mind, an eerie voice issued from the radio. A song I'd never forget because of its associations with me - us. It was My Immortal by Evanescence. I moved my arm and reached out for her hand.

***

It was Harry Potter's birthday, July 31. The year was 2005. She has just proposed that we drink in honor of the occasion and I was the foremost among our friends who heartily agreed.

We hid the bottles of beer we bought outside into a backpack, and I stole up secretly to our boarding house room. Drinking and smoking were prohibited then. Bags of chips were opened. Plates of food shared. Bottle caps off and the froth of alcohol oozed into our thirsty throats, finding its way through our blood and through the brain, driven by our conversation and the music from the CD player.

But before the alcohol reached my brain, it reached my heart.

Hazily, I found myself crying on her shoulders, cursing the world for making us suffer. It started from there. What happened to us now started from there. And the song playing at that time was the same...

***

song I'd never forget because of its associations with me - us. It was My Immortal by Evanescence. I moved my arm and reached out for her hand.

I held it tight. Held her tight. So tight that her arm might have felt numb.

"This morning," I tried to tell her without uttering a word. "This morning, Chiyo, I am going to get to know myself. This morning, I am going to try to do it with a man... I'm going away, Chiyo... I'm going away... to... to hurt you.

"This will be the last time I am going to hold you with innocence in my hands. This will be the last time you will hug my body pure and untouched by others. This will be our last hug together as Chiyo and Toy, you and me, Honey and Honey."

Tears slid down from my eyes, but with the dim light, she wouldn't see them even if she tried.

"R u awake?" somebody texted me. "Yes," I replied. "Is 10am ok?"

***

I felt her eyes scorch the back of my head as I rose off the bed too early for a weekend. They followed me as I took my towel off where it was hung. When I looked back though, she was fast asleep.

***

A guy in a yellow T-shirt, jeans, and rubber shoes approached me. He smiled, and I nodded in reply.

***

1am. July 3, 2006. What was done cannot be undone. I have no regrets. But I have no answers either.