Heartbreakers

I'm not as happy as I used to be these days but what's worse is that I had to make others unhappy, too.

Reader, I have broken another person's heart, unwillingly. I don't know what's wrong with me... In the end, I always end up hurting the people who have nothing in their minds but to love me and to help me. And it makes me feel really bad...

I always spurn the love they offer because of my selfishness. I want myself to be the one actively loving, and I would only give that to someone I really want. And if that is not the case, then I would do nothing... I would let you love me, but I will not force myself to love you. I would just wait for myself to reciprocate what you're giving and if that time won't come, then we're friends.

Was it my fault if I didn't fall in love with someone I hardly know? He's too young yet. He had to learn to control his emotions and not let himself fall too fast with people like me - selfish heartbreakers. (Yes, reader, you're not mistaken. It was a "he" this time...)

If I were more spiritual, I would almost believe in karma. The misery I've caused those who have been involved with me is not comparable to what I'm feeling, even with all the loneliness, the bitterness, and the confusion I've been going through. I have no right to shout out and complain to you, reader, because it was I who caused other people more pain. They are the ones who need help, not I.

I've been a fool, and I still am. The day will come when I will regret all those I have let go. All my chances of being happy I have ignored and given away. That cold day will come, one morning alone on my bed... And what would be my reaction, then? I would smile. I would smile broadly because I am living my own life - a life penned by my own hand and not influenced by those around me. It may be a cold morning, true, but inside me I know there's the satisfaction that I'm living my life my way.

Bick once told me that what is sad is that in living this kind of life that I have, I've broken the hearts of those who loved me. But what's worse was that I broke my own heart in trying to find who I really am. And the sorry thing is, I think I might break a few more if I'm not more careful this time.

I think I'm becoming fond of being a heartbreaker of my own heart. I'd rather break it on my own than let another person rule over me then leave me without even friendship left. I won't have that happen to me again. Never...

You, ***. You've seen me lately, haven't you? Did you see me stiffen as you and your friends walked past? Did you see the fuck you sign I almost formed with my fingers? Did you hear the faint "Shit!" I uttered when my eyes laid on you? Did you, ***, DID YOU?

You never did see a thing. Never hear a thing. You never feel a thing about me, and why should I? Why should I continue to suffer and call your name in vain when you shed no tear about me. You devoted no thought of grief whatsoever in my name, so why should I still think of you?!

Go away, bastard. You're full of shit, and if ever I see you alone I'm sorry but things might just get out of my hands. I might hurt you. I'll try to make you feel how much your selfish decision caused me hell, damn you.

So when you see me again, will you do me a favor? (And this time, it really is a favor, not a confession) Will you run from me like the coward you are? Run from the things you'd rather not face because it is "dyahe" to you? Run, run from ME!! Leave me alone because I'll find my happiness in a world completely devoid of your stinking heart!

Ha ha ha.