Asked For This

Giving the UPCAT to hopeful examinees a while ago made me think a lot about my life. Sa totoo lang, you cannot do anything there but think since we are not allowed to read books or use our fones even. Looking at the examinees made me think back about how much I have changed since I took the UPCAT myself some six years ago.

UPCAT makes me prouder of being a UP student. It sort of reminds us that we were one of those chosen few - the "cream of the crop" they say, but when you're already in UP, that somehow vanishes and most of us sink back to obscurity. Not everyone shines in UP, some have learned that the hard way.

I asked myself then, sitting in front of the 60 examinees - which among these will pass? Going by the passing rate, I can say that only 6 or 7 of them will make it through UP's open walls.  Do these students know what they are applying for? Do they know how much UP will change their lives like how it changed mine?

Lately, I was trying to find back the confidence that I used to have. And UPCAT reminded me that being a UP student (and now I'm even a UP instructor) is something I can use to boost it up again.

Why am I trying to find my worth again? Because I cannot understand why I am wasting myself on someone who will never love me back... Someone who makes me feel I am so terribly inferior.

Am I?

I've lived a hard life, reader. I've worked hard to earn the position I have now. I used to commute everyday to school from Las Pinas. I used to miss my classes because I had no money to go to school. There were times when the money I had was just enough for me to go to school, I had to borrow from my friends for my fare back. There were times I had no money to spare for food. Can you imagine how hard that was for me?

There were times when, after a tiring day from school, I go home to find my brother wreaking havoc in the house. I go home to find that my family had barely anything to eat, just so I can go to school the next day. Can you imagine how hard it was to study and focus on your acads with that in your mind? You cannot!

And yet somehow, reader, I made it through. I graduated with honors. I graduated (tied with Francis) as the best of my batch. I made it, without slacking from my responsibilities in Chemsoc and in the student council. I made it even through all the financial constraints and the internal crisis I was going through at that time! (And I made it without sacrificing my social life, too.)

And now you. You! You're making me feel that all that meant nothing! You made me realize that I was so damn incompetent for even one second of your touch! I've thrown myself at your feet. I've thrown my pride aside and it still means nothing! I'm not even worthy enough to be your friend!

I've lost it because of you. I've lost the confidence I had in myself. Was I able to use all my achievements to make you like me? You're making me think I was worthless! It feels like shit, knowing that you cannot find what you're looking for in me. And that even if I try, I can never give it.

I saw you again the other day, and you might have seen me too. And you just smiled. You smiled as if your rash decision last November meant nothing. All you cared about was clean cuts and you didn't consider how I would take it!

How many months has passed? How many months has it been since it started? It's been too long already. Too long for me to dwell on something impossible. I know it, but still I can't completely turn my back on you because you didn't give me an ending. I am blind, I know that, too, but I can't let myself let go of you on my own.

I am asking you to tell me something. I am asking you to explain, because what you've left me with was not easy for me to bear. You've left me with an open question, and I've tried to put if off my mind but its nagging me, and something always stirs it up when I though I've finally moved on. I am asking you to please understand that I got myself too involved with you and that in order for me to let go and move on, you have to do something too.

Please, I am asking you. I just want to hear from you. I want to close this book (if it was really meant to be closed) before it can do more damage to me. I don't really believe you are a bad person, and I don't want to be angry with you if you do not deserve it.

I reached for you. I tried to reach for something I cannot have and it felt bad for me. I know you had no hand in putting me in this position, but the only person who can put me out of this is you.

Am I asking for too much?

I'm taking this risk. If I cannot make you care about this then I don't know if... If I can still bear it...

I will understand. I will always try to understand what you do even if I know that it is a hopeless thing because even if I've tried to deny it to myself, you'll always be very special to me.