I was staring at the carpet, half-listening to Chase's daily rambling about his salary, his lovelife, his plans. I was playing with my lighter, tossing it up, catching it as it falls. I tried it with my eyes closed, and I failed.
I was staring at the carpet, wondering how the threads are woven into a pattern. My fingers tracing the lines, the colors, what the pattern wants to tell me. It did not make sense, and yet somehow, I had a stupid feeling I should be able to find something in it.
Lost in my universe. Trying to come back down. Thinking that only a precious few will be able to relate to what I'm going through. And what is it I'm going through? Nothing.
Sarah McLachlan was on the background, singing "Do What You Have To Do".
"I know I can't be with you, I do what I have to do. And I have the sense to recognize, that I don't know how to let you go..."
I may be ambiguous at times, but I know that I'm a man at heart.
Doesn't make sense. This blog doesn't make sense. But should everything make sense? Is there a point in living a life devoid of rules, simply following your whims and desires?
I'm doing calming exercises to clear my mind. And it makes me empty. And when I'm empty, I don't make sense.
I long for the day. That day when all these will be over. When I will rediscover the old me. The funny, easy-going me. But I can't remember if I ever was easy-going at all. At all...
Thoughts forming themselves into words are floating in my mind, and they shimmer amidst scenes of dreams, of past happenings in my life. Against pictures of sadness. Of grief. What am I grieving for anyway?
I can't turn my mind off!
I may be ambiguous at times, but I know that I'm a man at heart.
you were once easy-going (mga 2 yrs ago?) or at least you looked like you were easy-going (no one would know the difference anyway).i looked up to you because you were so inspiring, no matter how much shit you went through (family, financially, lovelife etc.), i never heard you complain. you were almost always smiling, and you always had a story or a joke to tell no matter how sad/problematic you were. i never even heard you cuss (like putang-ina etc) and i feel guilty everytime i use those words when i'm with you.
ReplyDeleteso what's the point? bahala ka na mag-interpret. maybe i just miss the old you (as in nung undergrad). you may not like the "old bryan" but then, he's gone anyway...
it doesn't hurt to pretend that you're strong or brave sometimes. like what i said, no one would know the difference. nasa pagdadala lang yan. i know you could do it. ikaw pa. idol kita e.