Fuck You I Love You

We are all for sale at one price or another. Each of us has an idea of our own worth, which we unconsciously compare with those of other people. In relationships, for instance, we look for those who are at least as "worthy" as we judge ourselves. We look down on those who we think are not as worthy as we think we are, and we do not entertain the idea of having a relationship with them.

This concept of worth vary from knowing how good we look or how smart we think, to what models our fones are or how much our clothes cost, and all the things in between (including how many ex's we've ditched or how many one night stands we've scored) with emphasis on which aspects we think are more important.

It's no wonder that a lot of people are feeling down (and I am no exception). We reach for the stars, those we deem as demigods, and after realizing that we cannot have them, we just feel down and we adjust our own worth a bit lower. We lower our requirements for the next one.

This thought is of course flawed, since it deals with how we judge ourselves worthy and that is a VERY subjective matter. It has a lot to do with balancing confidence and honesty. On this, I have some words to say...

Some people tend to be cocky because (I think) they are not satisfied with themselves. They want to listen to their own words - hear it from themselves that they are good-looking, intelligent, sexy because in their heart of hearts, they do not really believe they are. They are insecure about that part of themselves. If they cannot make themselves believe it, then they will try to make others believe it so that they might learn to believe it, too.

Now I very much apologize if in citing this example I might appear to be cocky myself. (That is not what I want to tell here, ok?) I believe that I am an intelligent person, not the most intelligent, true, but I am one of the best. I don't usually brag about how intelligent I am because I know it already. I don't go talking about scientific stuff just to broadcast that I'm a smartass whenever there are strangers around. That part of myself is already complete and I am satisfied with it.

On the other hand, I want other people to see that I am different. That I am cooler than some of them. That's why I wear "showy" clothes now. That's why I party as much as I can (and I tell as many people as I can that I do party). That's why I smoke and drink because deep within me, I don't really believe that I am cool enough. That part of me is incomplete - I need other people to be a part of it just so I can be contented with it.

However, the problem with some people is that in realizing this, they are afraid to reach for the "demigods" because they might think that they are not worth them. Most of the time , this is true since people are first attracted to each other on surface value, the easiest one to compare. If level 1 fails, we don't usually move on to the next level. It's game over. For some.

But I've mentioned a while ago that our worth is a subjective thing. We might think that that person is above us while that person might think that he/she is below us. So how do we deal with this?

I don't really know! I'm no relationship guru. In fact, I'm quite surprised why I decided to talk about this topic since I'm not in a position to do so. As if I've already gone through a lot of relationships! Anyway, I'm just writing what I've thought from observing myself and other people, and my opinion in this matter is that - you  should try. Try to reach for the stars for we'll never know the answer until we've tried. It may cause a lot of heartaches, I know, but through these, we learn. And we become more mature from our failures.

Ha! I can't believe I talked about this serious stuff... Just do what you want., that's all I can really say. It's on how you deal with matters after that matters. (Wow...) In other words, it's how you do damage control.

And why is this in my head again?  Hmm? This damage control trash? It's because my demigod FAILED ME AGAIN!!!!

I never learn, do I? I never learn and I still cannot make myself HATE the person who has utterly destroyed everything I thought I could have. Why can't I ever make you care about me?!! What the hell is wrong with you?!! Fuck you I love you!!!