Hunter Haunted

"When you think the party's over, look over your shoulder. I'm at your door, coming back for more..."

That was how the song went. But for me, it's more like "When you think the nightmare's over, look over your shoulder. I'm at your door, trying to hurt you more."

Two questions:
1. Do I really consider it a nightmare? and
2. Is it really over or did I ever think it really was over?

I was in a texting marathon the rest of last night (after watching "Lovewrecked") with Marnie and Ria, each of them sending their replies while I was sending a message to the other. My hands were too busy juggling my fone, my cig, and my glass of cola. Perhaps it was those busy fingers which brought me this dream, or perhaps it was Marnie's association with him. Or even perhaps because we talked about him for a bit last night. Whatever the reason, I dreamt about something related to him again.

I dreamt that I was texting (ha!) with this really cool fone and I came upon this friend who is my "sorta" lone connection with him now. We talked, and I asked her whether she has already given him "it". She said she hasn't, and I have expected that to be her answer. I suggested that perhaps she should just leave it for him to find with a note attached to it, since lately, I am already able to not think about him for days and the idea of reviving our friendship has somehow lost its appeal.

I can't remember what her exact reply was. Just that she didn't agree with me, then she together with the rest of the dream swirled into a scene where I am texting my friends who are Globe subscribers. (Hehe, for the unlimitxt thingy.) Texting them about stuff related to him. Weird, but it was like I'm texting them a blog-text - something not conversational but something which I wanted some of my friends to know.

Then, here goes! Somebody replied, and I somehow expected it to be him, and it was him. His number wasn't saved in my fone, but I know his number by heart (no, by brain). He was asking me to clarify the message I sent to my friends since I named him there. What bothered me in my dream was how he received my message when he wasn't a Globe subscriber, and he wasn't even in my phone book.

I looked at our common friend (who was suddenly there again) and she advised me not to reply, even though I was practically itching to have a conversation with him. She thought that this would only lead to more misunderstandings between us and that instead of acting, I should just wait for her to mend things. I acquiesced, since in my dream, I was already a bit indifferent about him. (That fast)

Some time after, I checked my fone again, and I found he has sent a lot of messages, all clamoring for replies. I read one, and it spoke (it was a voice message?) and in it, I heard his anguished voice, asking me why I should make him suffer more. Asking me why I do these things to make him bitterly regret what he has decided. That I did not need to give him more misery since it was hard enough for him - hiding his sexuality.

From his voice, it was clear that he was, indeed, suffering. But suffering from what? I think to myself now. Does he even read my blogs? Does he even care about me? Is he suffering because I made him realize that he wasn't as straight as he thought he is? Is he suffering because I found out his deepest secret? Is he suffering because I made him gay?!

These questions will find no answers. And I don't care anymore about finding the answers because this dream brought me some satisfaction already. True, there are a lot more sensible reasons why he chose to leave, but until we get to clarify things, those reasons do not make those I stated above devoid of the possibility of truth.

Who knows? Who knows I made myself foolishly suffer when in fact, it was he who is pining away, trapped by his own deluded personality? Who knows that for every thought I devote to him, he thinks about me twice more?

Nobody messes with me unscathed. Whatever your reasons are, I know you will never forget me that easily. I may not haunt you anymore, but you will always feel that you are haunted. Because you want to be haunted, hunter.

You can't let our memories go that easily... without them bouncing back to you. Hard. And in your face. When you least expected them.