I've met guys who ended up using me in one way or another. I've met a guy who was only there for the money and the free treats. I've met a guy who used me for my brain. I've met a guy who used me for my body. I've met guys who were only there for the attention. And through all those stumbles, somehow I kept doing the same things over and over again. My friends kept telling me that I never did learn what I should have. I listened to them. But then how can I learn to be somebody who I'm not?
When I give my heart to someone, I always give it whole. I never really learned to play games. I may pose to be a player, but deep inside I'm the Ned Stark of this gay world filled with thieving and scheming and lying Lannisters.
I've been dating this guy recently, and we've spent many nights together. And by that, I don't mean sex (refer to my previous entry.) He was actually like me in many ways. Only he was meaner. And he was shallower. My friends say that we even look alike. But then I thought that maybe it was because he was younger than me. Or maybe because we have vastly different backgrounds. So I always tried to see the best in him whenever we're together. Even if my friends who've met him told me that they didn't trust him. I did not listen to them because I knew him better than they did.
Despite his flaws, I resolved to really give him a try. Looking back, there were relationships I could have saved if only I tried harder. So I thought that with him, I wouldn't be the one who gave up first. This time, I'll try harder than I've ever tried before. Even if it was clear that he wasn't really interested in me. He never asked questions about me. he could put on his earphones and completely ignore me. That was rude of him, I know. But then, as I've said, I tried to understand.
One night, he called me while I was sleeping. He said he wanted to see me and he sounded frantic. So off I went to meet him in the middle of the night. But he did not show up. I was roused out my bed and he did not show up. He never even texted me what happened. But instead of getting mad, I got worried. Because I thought something bad must have happened to him. Surely, he couldn't do that to me.
Then later in the week, he stopped responding to my text messages. And I thought he was gone for good. But instead of getting mad, I hoped that he got back with his ex. As long as he was happy, I was good.
And then last week, he texted me, asking to borrow some money. He knew that I am jobless at the moment, and there had been days when I really had to skip meals. He knew all that. He knew how difficult my situation is at the moment. I asked when he could pay me back and he said he would the next day. So off I went to meet him near his place and handed him the money. But when I asked for it back, he did not reply. I texted him several times and he never replied.
And so here I am. Duped once again. Still unable to believe that there really are guys like him out there. All those weeks we've spent, apparently, he was only there for the free smokes. For the free coffee. For the free drinks. I thought, surely, after spending all this time with me he wouldn't be able to do something like that especially since I've done him no wrong. Especially since I asked nothing in return. He knew I needed my money back but did he even care to reply? No. It has been days since I texted him.
He just did not care, he told me. He prided himself in that. Maybe that way, he wouldn't find himself in a vulnerable position. While I was the one who cared too much. Giving myself away for guys I never really got to know very well. My fault is (and has always been) that I love too much too fast.
I've always thought that love was my weakness. But I realize now that it is also my strength. Because I cared deeply for my students, I was loved. Because I stood by my friends, I was loved. I have people who stand with me because they know I could love. Fiercely. Unconditionally. I can see it more clearly now. I am not liked because of my intelligence or my personality, but because they know that I know how to love.
These wrong guys, they exploited that in me. But at the end of the day, though I may feel hurt by rejection. Though I may cry because I was used, in the end I showed them that I could love. I showed them how it is to really love someone and I know that one day, they would all realize that. And they would know that not everyone they meet can love as much as I do.
All these failures in my life recently have exacted their toll on me. This uncertainty in my life right now. This depression that I'm struggling with and still couldn't overcome. These things made me lose confidence in myself. So much so that I think that I'm worth nothing now. Is it really surprising then that these guys treat me this way?
I see what I should do now. I should learn to love myself again. Yeah, maybe I can still love others but until I love myself, no one will love me back.
Earlier, I was crying. But I realized that I wasn't crying because I loved him per se. I was crying because I loved. I hurt, yes, and I'm not going to deny that. But I hurt because I loved. And like the song said, "Only love can hurt like this..."
I need no revenge, no. I don't need to hate on them just to make myself feel better. Because no matter how they may try to deny this, I know that I've got something that they could never have. They may claim that I have lost. They may claim that I am bitter. But in the end, what did I really do? I loved. I showed them love the best way that I could. And that's not such a bad thing right? There are far more worse ways to be remembered.
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