Friday, July 18, 2014

What Darwin Said

Three years ago, a friend asked me how I imagined myself in the future. And instead of spouting some typical response, all I said was that I imagined myself out under the sun, walking. That was all. My answer gave her pause. She did not probe my answer any further and we were silent for a while.

A few weeks ago, I met my friend who was set to fly for graduate school in the US. We were talking about how my former colleagues saw me now. "Your life is... a trainwreck," she said, spreading her hands. And I laughed. I had to laugh.

Some nights, when I'm alone in our living room, smoking and playing some music, an intense panic grabs hold of me. Telling me that things are too late now. That I've been on this downward spiral ever since I had the courage to leave the path which was set for me. That I was doomed when I took that first step. But eventually, after a few songs, that feeling dissipates. Because I've learned to tune them out of my head. There is no use dwelling on such things. "If I look back, I am lost."

Some days, when I'm out on yet another futile attempt to find some semblance of a job, I look back on what I've done to my life. I wonder whether all the important decisions I've made were wrong, no matter how right they felt at that time. Though I'm learning so much with my diminished resources, the uncertainty drags me down. It's like I'm suffering from this neverending anxiety.

I never really learned how to survive in this world. In my world, I'm a king. And I'm happiest when I could impose my ideals on the real world. My illusion of megalomania. My thirst for melodrama. All the regular academic achievements I've gained in the past, I never really strived for. They just came to me. So easily that I never really learned their value. Now that things are not being handed to me on a silver platter, I am clueless on how to begin. Who would've thought that this thrice valedictorian will end up jobless and increasingly desperate?

Perhaps it all had something to do with my albums. They've always meant much more to me than I'm letting on. There's so much more going on behind each song. Maybe I just really wanted a variety of experiences so I could be inspired to make albums with different themes. Because these albums, they will be my legacy. They're not mere records. They're records of my life.

But it isn't like there aren't any new opportunities coming my way. There are quite a surprising multitude of them actually. All these exciting paths, opening up before me. And yet strangely, I do not have the will to take any of them. Because my life is done. I am done. I feel it in my bones that I have reached the end. I've always wanted a fireworks kind of life and I got that, ultimately. I've given one of the best shows there was and my audience have oohed and aahed and clapped their hands off. And now I'm done and I'm just ashes falling to the ground.

Most people, they are aiming for something. And that is what gives them the drive. The direction. But me, I've had what I wanted. I've done my part for this world. I don't ask for much, really. And I don't want anything more. I should have been gone a long time ago. It's like I already missed my train and I'm left at the station.

I'm a man of the moment. I only live for the now. Logically, rationally, I should plan for my future. But that's just not me. I'm the man with no future. Literally. At least with the way I am living my life, I am consistent.

Darwin said that evolution favors those who are able to adapt. And I couldn't. So I should go. And I accept that wholeheartedly. Don't feign concern. Don't waste your time on me. No pity. No sympathy. No commiseration. Help those who deserve it. Help those who really need it. Me, I'm good. I'm good to go.

I'm not fucking depressed. I'm just brutally honest.






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