You

Rats scurried down the dark alley as I walked fast past them, moving further down the street. Somehow, my three consecutive exhausting days caused by sleepless nights have unhinged my brain - fooled it, such that I find myself staring at the ceiling, my body dead-tired yet my mind refusing to acknowledge my body's need of reviving itself. And here I am, past midnight, letting my thoughts flow through this keyboard, through this blog, in hopes that I can get what has been causing me to be an insomniac out of my system before it does more damage. My head is already beginning to throb.

What has been causing me to react in this weird manner? Could it be my erratic sleeping pattern? Could it be my smokes? Could it be Cookie? What is it?

I remember one particular night when I scared myself silly, thinking that I might already be going insane like my younger brother. I remember well before my brother started showing symptoms of his sickness. They were sleepless nights, trying to sleep beside my brother who, back then, was still quite normal. Quite.

I find myself now, searching through my thoughts. Trying to dig about something deeper. I realized after browsing my past entries that I have become a "shallower" writer since I've been with Cookie. Perhaps it's the lack of problems which causes to be anxious at night when I lay down on my bed. I am just not used to feeling so light, so worry-free.

One sleepless night, with the moon peeking through the newly-installed curtains of my window, I reflected on what my love life has become through the years.

First, there was Dolores way back in high school. She was my best friend... then. After three long years, we're finally friends again. We never became an item. And eventually, I also realized that we're better off as friends.

Then, Chie-Chie came. A whirlwind of emotions. It's hard for me to look back on what was us. It was so short-lived, it almost appears like it never happened. Even now, some of our friends even forget that there used to be a "we". I've hurt her, true, but it was for her own good that I broke up with her. I hope she understands that, especially now. Like with Dolores, we're still friends. Although she's quite out of reach at present. She has forgotten about us, I'm afraid, but I couldn't blame her.

Months passed before Chiyo came, and with her, my worst nightmare so far, Hunter. Loving the two of them at the same time. My heart shifting to the left and to the right every few weeks or so. Hunter is now dead in my heart. Although lately, I've been trying to extend the hand of friendship again just to make things between the two of us back to what it should have been, and only to realize later that it wouldn't have mattered whether we became friends again or not since clearly, I don't mean much to him. But as Cookie once told me, you never can have enough friends so perhaps it wouldn't do any harm if I did what I did.

Chiyo? Well, she's been very busy lately. And I admire her for what she has become now. It is a miracle that we're still friends despite everything that we've gone through together. I have confidence in her. She's a strong person. And I know that she wouldn't let a person like me get under her skin for too long.

Sometimes, I look back on what has been. Sometimes, when I look around at the apartment, I can still see the touches she has left before she went away. I feel sadness, true, because we've shared some really good times together. But hope is what I feel more for her now. I've tried my best to make us work when I had the chance, and I failed. Still, I'm sure that someday, she'll meet the right person, even if she is quite pessimistic about that the last time I seriously talked to her. Despite our past, I would probably be the happiest person on earth when she finds his Mr. Right. Aside from the two of them, of course.

And now, I have Cookie. And he made me feel things I've never felt before. I've never known the meaning of missing a person until he came. Never known the real meaning of love before him. Never met a person who gives me such happiness just by being there. Things about love I believed to be exaggerations or silliness before, with him, I realized and felt to be true. With everything that I've felt, I'm supposed to be very happy. And I am.

But there are times when being with Cookie also scares me. Because I'm putting too much at risk when I'm with him. He's really pointing a gun at my heart now. Once he pulls the trigger, I'm as good as dead.

I don't want to make this list of loved ones any longer. And I'll do what I can, give all the love in the world just to make us go through the bad times and still survive. It's nice to think of the future. Nice to dream of the things I'd like us to do together. But in truth, as with all relationships, no one knows.

I don't know whether I'm strong now, baby. All I'm sure of is that I'm stronger than who I used to be. All I know is that, whatever the future might bring, I'm just so happy. So happy that you are here now with me. So happy that you chose me of all the other people you know. I'm aware of what might happen in the future, but even so I don't really care much about it.

What matters to me more is... well... you. You're here, I'm here. No need to blog about it more.