Sir

Here he comes in his long-sleeved lab gown, traces of sleepy cobwebs still on his eyes. It was an early class, but he was the teacher. He should've set an example for us. Still, it's not like he's always late. And I don't always arrive on time either. So it's not really his fault. But still...

He speaks to us, asking us how we spent our free days. He tries to act gruffly but most of us really see through this weak facade. I wonder why he tries to act like he's not soft. The way he talks, walks. The way he addresses me. I think he's gay despite some of the stories he told us last meeting. And on the meeting when I was absent. Was that on purpose? He's putting a show for us. But I know better. I know more about him than my classmates think.

Now, he's asking us to submit our prelabs. And as usual, inserts a joke when he can. He's actually quite funny. And I laugh heartily because I think they are funny. I don't laugh just because he can see me appreciate his jokes.

I hand him my prelab. And as usual, he doesn't look at me too much where my classmates can see. Once during an experiment, I tried smiling at him too openly, giving him my toothiest smile but I wasn't able to read his face. He showed neither thrill nor distaste for what I did. He simply looked at me. What if I touch his hand while he was giving me back my lab notebook. Will I finally get confirmation?

But I was too late. I thought too slowly. He was already checking the next notebook. Next time, perhaps, I will be able to do what I need to do.

He starts discussing the lesson as I was sitting on an ungainly laboratory stool. It amuses me to watch him. He teaches well because he's not boring. He stutters now and then, and he makes elaborate hand gestures when he's feeling quite emphatic with the topic. Aside from that, I like to watch the ever-changing topography of his face. There was never a meeting when he doesn't sprout new pimples. Well, "sprout" is the term. One of us actually thinks he's good-looking and I laughed inside. Well.. maybe when he was younger, but definitely not now.

I look at him occasionally, just to show him that I am listening to his discussion. I like to humor him, play his teacher's pet, and I have this very strong feeling he misinterprets it. Once, when I raised my hand to recite, he blushed as he called me, had to turn his back on us and pretend to write something on the blackboard. That was quite a foolish thing to do then, since the question needed no equations, but there was really no way to hide his crimson face except to go out of the room.

That's why I feel no fear for him. When I enter his classroom, I feel like I own the place. My classmates obey him, but he obeys me. Just one request, let's say... a longer time to answer the quiz, and he would immediately give in. Stuttering and trying to act unflustered. I will smile secretly at my power over him. Secretly, mind. I also keep my mouth shut because it will also be my downfall once my classmates get wind of what happens between us at night. My name, my almost-godly name, will be tarnished by this scandal.

He hands us the locker keys and directs the monitors. I picked up the keys first and bent over our locker to open it. I realized I didn't understand a thing he said because I wasn't paying attention. But I don't worry. Not in this class. I can easily ask him to discuss that to me again. In private, probably.

As I was putting the glassware we would need for the experiment on the tabletop, I looked at him . I looked at the teacher who I think was falling in love with me. I looked at my lab teacher, too young to let himself get caught up with me. What was with him? Doesn't he know that I can never reciprocate? Not because he's not lovable, but because I don't want to ruin what we have. Despite his shortcomings, I really look up to him. He's the friendliest teacher I ever had. I'll never forget you, Sir Bry, so don't fall in love with me...

He catches me looking at him. I froze for a second, realizing that I've been looking at him for too long, and immediately looked elsewhere. My bad. He'll think I was looking at him because I'm in love with him as well. It won't be my fault if I play this game a bit longer. I'm quite sure he isn't brave enough to directly confront me with what I think he feels for me. I'm not brave enough either to face that. What a tangle that would be, especially in light of the stories he has told us.

Once, he was telling us about student-teacher relationships. That they had this meeting, and the new instructors were told that it was forbidden. And he looked me in the eye right then as he mouthed the word "forbidden" like it was meant for me. I keep unusually quiet whenever he's talking about his love life. I'm afraid he might mention me, or give allusions to me. Worse, he might ask me what I think about it.

And so I proceeded doing the experiment, with only half a mind on what I'm doing. Walking to the reagent area, I looked at him sideways and saw that he wasn't looking at me. He's careful with his actions. He won't do it. He won't open up, that's good. I can enjoy being chased a while longer. Or maybe he isn't in love with me after all.

***

It was the 9th of September 2005. The days of this class are numbered. Sir Bry felt like crying. He looked at his students, lingering on the one he has been eyeing for a while, but that student was busy filling a test tube with reagent and didn't notice his wet eyes. "I was simply interpreting what he does to mean what I want them to mean," he thought. "I'm being assuming."

He is a fool, but that of the worst kind. Because he is aware of his foolishness. He knows his chances were diminishingly small. It hurts him. But what hurts more is that even if it does, he still nourishes that stupid idea.

He walked to the reagent area, in the ruse of checking whether the students were handling the chemicals properly. But in truth, he wanted to be close to that student, just to get some confirmation about what's really happening between them. He saw that student smile for no reason while he was discussing the prelab. What was that for?

He stood near. Very near, but he got no reaction. The two of them are hiding their feelings well. "Or maybe he isn't in love with me after all," he thought.