Unraveling

My life is unraveling. 

Last night, Tin, Rolds, Chase, and me went to drink at Garahe. Its a very cheap place to drink and sing near our boarding house. I got drunk but not too drunk to puke. I was waiting for Chiyo to come home. But she didnt. I was looking high and low, drunk as I was. Morning met me lying on her bed alone...

I was furious. I met her at the lab and asked where she was last night. She apologized and all that... We talked during lunch, continually asking for forgiveness. After that, we went to the boarding house. I was sleepy, I thought of taking a short nap before coming back for my masterals at 4pm. While I was lying in bed, she cried on me. Cried and told me what was going on in her head all the time we were on this drift...

I slept after that. And I felt so wasted I decided not to come back to UP at all. I left my bag there. I left my lab gown at the lab. I did not care. Ive never been this reckless before. Cutting classes just because I felt that I cannot focus. I was even supposed to talk to Marnie, my former student, but I did not show up. I am so sorry. I just feel... wasted and reckless these days. As Ive said, my life is unraveling.

I have a lot to tell you today. Since "coming out", I do not have to guard what I am going to tell you. I can tell you anything I want to.

Here's one. A four-letter word I havent mentioned in my blo before: my zits! Yup thats right. Ive never been in this state before. I look positively alarming. They jusy keep on erupting on my face. I dont know what to do anymore!

Sometimes, it does get hard, you know, showing up in public. I hear things they say about me, and they do get me down. It does matter to me, no matter what I say. But not as much as it would matter to those very vain poeple I know. Worrying about a single blemish on their face! If they suddenly found themselves trapped within my body, theyd probably kill themselves.

The good thing is - at least Im a guy. I dont need to look pretty all the time. And besides (sorry if this sounds conceited), I really look good. I mean, its just these zits which make me repulsive at present. If you take these away, then voila! Magic...

I shouldve taken advantage of the time when I didnt have these. Like way back in high school.  I completely did not care about how I look. I shouldve flirted right and left back then. I should have used it! But still, it doesnt matter that much. Like what Eminem said, why do you care how I look unless you want to fuck me? The most I can say now is that I know that what I have now is temporary. I do not need to do plastic surgery to make myself good-looking. I just need to get rid of these blasted things on my face... How? I have no idea. Yet. Blast those genes which gave me this as well!

Anyway, did you know that I have this Harry Potter journal I used to keep on my college years? It was a gift from Ysis some Christmasses ago. At first, I didnt know what to write in there. I wasnt this mad a writer back then. So I just thought that since it was a Harry Potter journal, I might as well talk about Harry...

I used to have this obsession about looking like Harry. (But unfortunately, I look more like Harry's intestines these days...) There was this other student I keep on meeting who looks more like Harry than me. The effect? I keep on wishing hed die so I will be the only one left. Hehe!

After those foolish entries about looking like Harry. I went on to more serious ones - love and sexuality. I used to have conversations with myself in that journal. I was trying to find who I really was.

The last part I dedicated to my Island Journals. In there, I made believe that I was livin alone in an island in search of discovering my own identity. I have to say I learned a lot writing those entries, but what I learned wasnt conclusive. I still am searching until now...

Why an island? The first that comes to your mind probably is my surname - de la Isla or "of the island". True but actually, it was a symbolism of myself. I imagine myself as an island, but we all know that no man is an island. So in a way, I am blatantly saying that I am not fully a man. Read the yearbook when it comes out.

I just had to blog today. I am becoming too impulsive for my own good these days. Cutting classes, being absent... Doing things just becasue I wanted to, not considering things which I have to do. For instance, just a few hours ago. I thought of taking a shower since it was quite a warm night. The next thing I know, I was naked in the bathroom, staring at the hair on my nipples.

I wanted to talk more about nipple hair but this computer shop is closing so I better hurry and say goodbye. Thanks for those who are commenting on my entries!