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This is my 40th blog entry... Ha! Are you tired of me filling your email with "Bryan Christian has updated his Friendster Blog"? Well, I am sorry. I did not mean to force you to read my entries. I just like to write that's all.

Today I feel afraid and in pain at the same time. Have I made a mistake? Sometimes I really have to make sacrifices to make things work. I want this to last, that's why I am doing this. I want to know now whether this is really who I was meant to be!

I could have gone on living a lie, knowing that sooner or later I will come back to that forbidden ground. I could have done that! Everybody might be happy now but what about tomorrow? The next day? Will you be happy being with me for a long time knowing that I am still searching inside? I want this over and done with!

Things are not easy for me but I have to stand up with my decision. For now. I have to do what I meant to do. I will. I really have to.

You know what I am sick of hiding from you, reader. I am sick of being ashamed of who I really am! From now on, I wont be! Why should I be ashamed of who I was born to be? Why should I try to conform to your rules? Why should I be ashamed of being bisexual?!

Yes, thats right reader! Thats right! I am a fag! Fairy! Call me whatever you want! I am so sick of hiding! So sick! Come on spit at me! Humiliate me! Push me away!! Thats what I have gone through in high school! Thats the hell Ive been to! Thats what youre good at, society! Youre good at making people suffer.

Just because I dont fit in your rules, does it mean that I am lower than you? Does it mean that I have to be laughed at? Not taken seriously?

You know what, its really unfair. I mean, I did not ask to be like this. Its already sad that I might not be able to have a normal life. No wife probably. No kids too, perhaps. And then you go add up to my miseries! Why do you have to push me down harder when I am already buried in the mud? Fuck you! You dont know how hard it gets!

But no, my miseries do not end in that. I have to be in between. I have to be partially immersed in both. Life will let me taste living a normal life, and yet, it will eventually take it away since I am not made for that. Just when I thought I could be happy, the Wheel turns... and... things happen again.

Reader, do you know how hard it is right now to keep on writing? (Shit, I just remembered a fucking cheap thing about PBB. This isnt inspired by that, I tell you!! I dont even watch that!) Do you know how slow my hand types right now? Do you know how my mind is telling me NOT to publish this entry at all? In fact, I am still not sure whether youd be able to read this or not.

You see. Even myself rejects who I really am! It is so hard to change what youve been taught to think. I cannot even accept myself. Why do I always have to struggle? Why do I have to keep it inside? Why do I try to change who I am?!

I am so sad, reader. I am very very sad. I long for the time when I will know who I really am. When I will have internal peace. Reader, I hate you. Youre okay, normal. You take being like that for granted. How I wish I was like you. But then, I am not. I am given this queer problem to handle. After years, still no answers, still suffering, still struggling. I long for that day when I do not have to bow my head in shame. When I do not have to fear jeers and catcalls following me. When I can be really proud of who I am. I dream of the day when I can proudly raise my chin up and say "Hi peeps, Im Bry. Im bisexual. I live a fuckingly hard life. But no matter! I am still me! I am proud of who I am. I can date everyone! Hahahaha!"

My fingers cringe. My eyebrows knot. My eyelids shut. Am I doing the right thing telling you? After this, can I still deny you of the truth? If you approach me and try to put it in the conversation, will I speak at all? Will I lower my eyes with unshed tears?

No more. No more please. I am a person too. I hurt too much right now. Please do not add to my miseries. No more hurting please. No more whispers. No more secret smiles. No more fake friendly faces. No more gossiping...

Reader, you might ask me - why did you have to let us know? Why did you have to be like Kris Aquino, telling us everything about yourself? The answer is, because you are my friend. I trust you, and I need your help.

Just to cheer me up, I cannot believe how brave I was to tell you all this. I am not ashamed to tell you who I really am. Youre my friend, you matter to me, and you deserve to know. Shit, I am so fucking brave, I could be a knight! Hehehehe! Or I could be Harry Potter! Thats better...