I believe that there are people like me who have reached the point when they have to know the meaning and purpose of what they are doing before they do them. In school, we have been trained to just sit back and listen and just accept things as they are. It's true that, of course, we can ask questions, but mostly these questions are limited to academic ones. Inquiries about why we are studying are not usually emphasized by most teachers. Not that they do not have answers to them, but mostly because they deem these irrelevant. In school, we have to trust that our teachers know what they are doing to us. That they know that these things will be relevant to our lives in one way or another. I'm not talking about questioning whether the knowledge will be helpful. I'm referring to the deeper ones - those about meaning and the ultimate purpose of all these.
I have been exposed to this scenario longer than most of my peers since I worked in the academe and because I spent six years in graduate school. So you can say that in my environment, the distinction between getting ahead in your career and getting ahead in school has somewhat been blurred. In fact, I'm not even sure if some of my colleagues are aware of this or consider the why's important. From what I observed, a very few have had trouble questioning whether what they are doing or what they are being trained for agree with what they really want to be. Mostly, they just go with whatever is asked of them. Or maybe, if they're having trouble reconciling these things, they keep it to themselves, which is unwise, in my opinion.
Now here is where the trouble arises - not all of us currently in the field really want to become scientists. In my case, it's not mere aversion to the vocation. Being a scientist is one of the most noble and worthy occupations I can think of, secondary to being a teacher. I cannot imagine why I wouldn't want to be one, if I just look at what it means to be one. But when I learned more of what it takes and what the process of being a scientist really asks of you, I lost heart. Add to this the fact of being surrounded by professors who seem to make it a point to make that upward climb even more unreasonably difficult for you. I wish they understood more that what makes us quit is not the difficulty, but because of how unsupportive and discouraging some of them are.
Anyway, given all these, the scientific environment (the one I'm in, at least) appears to be not conducive to people like me who need help understanding why we are all doing this. I'm not sure I can blame them or being like that since most of the time, to me, they seem lost in a different and almost theoretical world where all that matters are publications and grants and tenures and just gaining knowledge. All they thought of were the requirements to be a scientist, and woe unto the weaklings like us who need to be motivated to move forward in this path. I am admitting though that it is my weakness that these things need to be explained to me since I couldn't figure them out on my own. It is just sad that they do not understand that people like me do exist. I think they assumed that all of us had figured this when we were younger, like we weren't burdened by other meaningful quests such as finding your own identity.
It took me a year to do that figuring out on my own. It was not an easy process and I have gotten myself trapped many times in my own circular arguments, but I am still thankful because it helped me understand a lot about being a scientist. The past year made me understand that for me to function, I need to do things for my own reasons and not the reasons why the others are doing it.
As I mentioned in the first paragraph, there are some things that I do know, and one of them is that whatever my chosen vocation is, it should have meaning, and the bigger its meaning is, the better it is for me. Unluckily, I am one of those who are just not motivated by money, and that is why I pan over those friends who seduce me into becoming a rich bastard. I need meaning, and I am just grateful that somehow I ended up working in the academe (which wasn't my original plan since I had none in the first place). Education is, I believe, the number one priority our society should focus on, and this is what keeps me teaching. It places me in a powerful position, and I am going to use that to help the world move forward.
But then I realized that this is simply not enough. If I were to really want to help change the world, I must be in an even more influential position. That I can make a bigger change if I were higher up there and to do this, I must get a higher degree.
Also, I get scared about not being able to improve myself mentally, and there might be a time when studying about this and that on my own may not be enough to keep my mind sharp. So I must study. I must utilize what I have to the fullest. It will be like cheating if I don't become the best I can be. Not for me, not for money. But for the world.
It is this latter point that really pushed me towards claiming that PhD. Not because of my own desires but because the world needs me to be one. Everyday, I commute on my way to school and I encounter all these people on the streets. Corruption in the news, the lack of academic progress. The youth blabbing about stuff which will only pull their IQ's lower. They make me realize that not everyone is cut out to fill a higher place in our society. And if I were to help improve their intellect, I must be an example myself. I must aim to be higher, not for personal gain, but because the world needs more people like me.
I hope that this will remind my peers who are already well on their way to getting their PhD's about the other responsibilities that goes with the higher positions they are aiming for. We do not exist in this world merely to improve ourselves. We must give back to society. We must work together to eradicate ignorance. It is all very well to do things for science's sake, but we must keep in mind, always, that we are doing this as a service to humanity.
Imagine that time when the youth will be talking about progresses in science instead of what's happening in PBB. Imagine that time when college students will line up choosing science courses because they want to enlarge our body of knowledge instead of choosing courses just because they are financially rewarding. We can make this happen together. So if I need to get my PhD just to be part of this pioneer group, count me in!
The time for selfishness has passed. The time for passive complaining about the government is nearing its end. It will be our turn next and we have to prepare to take our places. We must make an end to the personal issues inhibiting us to be the best we can be. Focus on those things now so we can move forward to the next target. The world is ours and it will be on our shoulders soon. We cannot afford to limit ourselves to what works for us. The next level is to find out what works best for all of us here in this planet.
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