Circling the Abyss

Ma'am Elma's passing has jolted in me a thought we've always had wrapped up tightly in our heads. We confine it there because we are so very afraid of it. But everytime someone dear to us dies, this thought rears its ugly head out of its shackles and for that brief moment, we have no choice but to acknowledge it. We have no choice but to face it - a reminder that we, too, will die. We too, in time, will have to face our own annihilation. Most days, we do not think of it. Most days pass with us living as if we will never die. Most days, we become too trapped in mundane things - our job, how we look, money, our relationships. But when someone dies, we are slapped in the face about how petty our priorities are, how silly we've been living our lives.

It makes me feel cold. It makes me want to scream and run madly and hide in a dark corner. It is not only death, really, but the questions it inevitably raises along with it. Questions about the meaning of our existence. Questions about whether there is life after death. Questions about the purpose of life. But more than these, I am afraid of facing that truth, when the people close to my heart, they will be gone. Never to see them again. Never to hear them talk. Never to hug them again. Or at the least, for the people who were not really that close to us, never to have that comfort that they still exist there somewhere. Out of sight maybe. Out of hearing. But that they still exist, still doing the same things they have always done when we were with them.

It is the promise of life after death that makes religion so attractive and essential to most human beings. This is one of the reasons why very few have gathered enough courage to question this promise that religion claims. It is easier to be comforted that when our loved ones die, we will see them again in heaven. That our existence in this world is but temporary. That our thoughts, our feelings, our hopes - these will not go away. We will go on being who we are. But I know that even some of the religious do not fully believe in this. That in the end, no one really knows if your religion will make good about its claims. Deep inside these people, there is still that doubt. But for most, it is better to have something to hold on to than have nothing at all. And this is one of the reasons why on very rare occasions, I let religion slide by. Some people are just not prepared enough to accept that there is a very large possibility that their lives are hinged on false hope.

But no matter what your beliefs are, I think that we all have to agree that we do have to make the most out of this earthly existence. It was a slow process for me, coming to this conclusion. I myself was not brave enough to tackle death head on and my philosophies on this developed as mostly side reactions of my ruminations on life and love. It is this realization that made me more adventurous when it came to my life. I wanted to feel it all since who knows, I might never get a second chance. I wanted to explore. It made me more reckless. It made me push myself out my comfort zone and really feel what being alive really means.

But the bigger realization came to me when I learned to accept that my existence in this world has no supernatural connections. Many find comfort, believing that we are here for a reason, predetermined by a deity. It makes us feel important. It gives our lives purpose. But when I have slowly accepted that these were merely comforting ideas propagated by religion for its own agenda and not really based on any evidence at all, I began to face the truth that it is I who must give meaning to my life. Not the church. Not the Bible. Not god. It is I who must find my own purpose. And this is what got me started on my existential quests. I used to be limited to dwelling on personal issues - my feelings, my insecurities, my sexuality. But when I've dissipated the supernatural fog which only confused and blinded me, I began to really see what I must do with my life.

I began to see that since I was given the opportunity (in an evolutionary sense) to exist in this world, I might as well use my life to help humanity move forward. I might as well do something good not only for the immediate people around me, but for everything in this planet, not only to my fellow humans. I accept that I am but an organism which is a part of a whole, and instead of focusing on things which will only benefit me in the long run, I should focus instead on things which will benefit many. I chose this as my purpose. I chose this as my guiding principle. And I was surprised that I did not have to force myself into following this. It felt only right for me to do the things which are right. I did not need to be rewarded for these, like some who do good in the hopes of ending up in heaven. Like all atheists, I understood that we must do good for goodness' sake. Just that.

And I suppose that in this light, you will now understand why I am living my life in this passionately loud way. I wanted to grow laterally, not selfishly vertically. I wanted to touch as many lives as I can. I wanted to share what helpful life experiences I can because I want us all to move forward. I wanted to remind people that this life is too short to focus only on ourselves. I wanted to tell people that more than money and career, we must find meaning and the happiness that we can. That we must reach out to others, in any small way that we can.

Sooner or later, I am going to die. I might die in an accident tomorrow. I might suddenly be diagnosed with a fatal disease. I do not know. But what I do know is that even if I die, I will be comforted that I was at least, able to make the most out of my life. That I did not allow myself to be limited by the chances immediately available around me. That I was able to share my life with others. That I was able to enrich the lives of others through my teachings, whether they be academic or not. That somehow, even if I know that my overall contribution to humanity might be minuscule, at least I did something.

When I'm gone, I want to live through the memories of the people who I've been with. I want them to think of me as if I still exist out there somewhere. Unseen maybe. Unheard. But somewhere in their minds, there I am still blogging. Still making albums. Still being weird. Still being me. That is how I live when I'm dead.

I live my life like I can die anytime. I live my life like my death is final. This is why I post Facebook statuses and share experiences as if there's no tomorrow. It doesn't make me less afraid of my death though since I know that I can never really say for sure how I will be feeling when my time is up but no matter how I feel, in the end, people can say with conviction that here lies a man who lived.