Lab2Love

Sigh. September is here. It's almost time for me to say goodbye to my students. To my newly-found friends. Again. Just this afternoon, I invited my 150.1 students to hang out with me in Sunken Garden. It was a bit off though because it wasn't really planned beforehand and most of them had other things to do. But they still came. All of them. And I was really grateful.

Yesterday (Monday), it was my Chem 16 class I was hanging out with in the same area. I got to know them better. I made them share stuff about themselves. Every one of them. I told them, "So that it will be more painful for us when we say goodbye." Some laughed, half-heartedly. Those who simply shifted their eyes and kept quiet probably knew I wasn't lying.

These past few days I honestly feel like I'm always running against time when I think about my classes. I feel that I'm always hurrying. It's like being two years as an instructor has ingrained sembreak in my biological clock. Sembreak means goodbye. Sembreak means pain. Again. And again.

One of the many many things I've realized and accepted as true is how who you are now is a direct consequence of the things which have happened to you in your past. I remember a period in my high school when I was positively shunned by my classmates. I felt like nobody wanted to be with me. I was circling around different groups, moving from one to another whenever I feel like I'm not welcome anymore.

It was just a period though. After a while, I found my own high school barkada.

Perhaps that "isolated" feeling stuck with me all these years and it made me too clingy with my students. Too hurt whenever they go. Whenever the sem ends and they move on, faster than I can. Because I know that they will meet new teachers and they will be busy with other stuff. They will forget. Some of them.

So what do I do? I make the best of the time we have. Whenever I have extra time, I discuss other stuff. I try to share with them what I've learned in love and life. We both know that those lessons are way more important than chemistry. Every minute really counts because once the sem has ended, it's all gone.

Some nights, I lie awake thinking how difficult it is for me. I remember every sem, every class. I remember how happy we all were everytime we meet. To them, I'm just one person. When I go, it is easier to keep in touch. Easier to forget. But what about me? I've already lost hundreds of them. And I'm about to lose more.

So many faces I remember. So many moments. So many laughs. How can you not be sad losing those? Some teachers must have hearts made of stone!

I keep telling my students that if I were rich, I'd have a really big builiding where my students (past and present) may stay. We'll have nighly review sessions in spacious, well-lighted rooms. I'll try to help them with their other subjects. We'll have parties, inuman sessions, neverending yosi breaks. Loads of bonding activities...

I wish they could all stay with me til the end.

***

But some mornings, when I wake up to find my fone brimming with quotes from my past and present students... Days when I get Friendster comments from my past students saying that they miss me. Some days when I'm walking around UP and I am greeted by my students left and right. Days when I am smiled at. Days when I am hugged just because they saw me again... It's worth more than any amount of money you can ever give me.

***

And some people wonder why I'm still a teacher when I can get a higher paying job? Some people think I'm a fool for being a UP teacher? They can brag about how rich they are, but can they brag about how happy they are? I just laugh at them.

They don't feel what I feel.

:)

***

The tears I shed for my students always pay off in the end.