Warnings

It was one in the morning and we were walking along Edsa, passing through Guadalupe bridge where death awaits us if we move a few more inches to the left or to the right. One slip, one stumble - and we might die. The whole scene shouted of danger, with the buses zooming fast on our left and the mighty river gurgling to our right,  yet we were walking still. As long as we're together, there is a chance of safety and mutual protection.

My heart was tight as I looked at you, and I recalled what happened a few hours earlier. How I numbed myself, listening to you speak to me as if for the last time. How I realized that I've been treating you unfairly. How I broke down after and how you comforted me with hugs and kisses.

It was a wild night, with my emotions going through a rollercoaster ride inside my chest... How I was flying when you told me (without my urging) that you'd spend a part of the night with me. How you told me that you were not pleased with me smiling sideways at you along the street. And how an hour later, we lay on the bed not touching each other.

***

"I just don't want to be unhappy again," I remembered myself saying as the tears unwillingly poured down from my eyes. My crying reflexes were quite faulty - it's been a long time since I cried like that. And at that moment, I remembered who I used to be. How dark my world was when I was alone. And how different I am now with you in my life. The need to cling to you. The need, not the wanting.

And so why was I pushing you away when you've done so much for me? I cannot understand myself.

***

Hopelessness. Was what I felt when it dawned to me that you might break up with me. In spite of the fear, I strangely felt natural. It seemed like I was back in familiar ground. My territory, where Sadness, Grief, and Loneliness, my long-time friends are waiting for me. I was no stranger to despair. I felt like I knew I'd always end up alone and the possibility of you going away didn't seem a nightmare but an already foretold conclusion.

It felt like my life was simply moving on - that breakups are but natural and periodic occurences in my life.

But despite that knowledge I was scared like hell thinking of what could have happened.

***

In UP dormitories there are signs near the entrances shouting that "YOUR STAY IN THIS DORMITORY IS A PRIVILEGE" painted in large black and red block letters. The first time I read that I was surprised at how blatant it was. At how it seemed a harsh reminder to the dormers. How unnecessarily intimidating it was...

It is only now that I realize how important those signs are.

"YOUR STAY IN THIS RELATIONSHIP IS A PRIVILEGE"

A bit harsh but true nonetheless.